The Dark Side Of Alcohol In My Past

Yesterday, I wrote an article about Alcohol and the Spirit that is Living in It, but I didn’t mention what kind of role alcohol played in my old life.

Alcohol was a big part of my daily life as a child. I saw grown-ups drinking regularly. It was just like that. Everybody did it, everybody wanted to have a good time, and that as often as possible.

My mother had a very strong relationship with alcohol.

She drank a little bit daily, and then a little bit more and more. After my parents divorced, she started to go out regularly, sometimes even during the week. She had parties at home, and sometimes she would start drinking before noon.

Sometimes she was a very good and funny drunk, but with time passing, the chances were higher to experience her violent and aggressive, scary self. She would throw things at me, shout a lot, etc. I always managed to lock myself in my room, the bathroom, or the attic (whatever was closest) so she could not hurt me. One time she managed to damage the bathroom door so severely while trying to get into the room that it needed fixing to close and open it again.

But please don’t judge her.

Before she became a mother, she had a very rough start. Her father hit her regularly with his belt so she would be ashamed to take off her shirt when in the changing room before PE class at school. Her mother never hugged her until she was in her 20s, and then the intention came from my mother. She saw how little kittens were drowned by force by people to keep their streets clean. It was a common thing at the time.

My grandparents fought a lot, every day to the extent that one time a knife landed in one of them, only a flesh wound, but still! My grandfather had a dark past with alcoholism. He used to play the accordion and was mostly found in the town’s pub, playing and drinking.

I know. My mother didn’t have a great start in life, and her reality was harsh and cruel. I always saw her behaviour as an outcome of these experiences.

But I also know that we are in control of our destiny and we can create the reality that we want. We can change actively for the better; we can surround ourselves with higher vibrations and follow our hearts. We can make this conscious decision for ourselves, and life can get better again.

I tried to guide my mother out of her misery into a more positive life full of excitement, and we sometimes talked for hours and hours, walking through the woods where I received the feeling she understood.

I thought I was helping her. I thought she wanted to get better.

But only a few hours later, everything seemed forgotten, again and again. As soon as she had her first glass of beer or wine, all the good intentions seemed forgotten, and she started with the same angry rants about people in her life who were responsible for her misery.

Her mother, her father, her brother, her friends, her ex-husband(s), and later, of course, me, her daughter — everybody was to blame but her.

I felt like I was walking through a labyrinth, since decades.

I remember one of the first motivational speeches that I gave to her in the hope it might help. I was 8 years old, and my mother was drinking, crying, and smoking cigarettes in the basement.

In my mid-20s, I started to reduce contact with my mother. When I was about 30, it dawned on me that she didn’t want my help, she likes who she is now, and she doesn’t want to change, ever. She enjoys staying in the victim role. In a weird, confusing way, she really loves being the victim and even provokes situations so she can pull the victim card, again and again and again.

Family patterns can be strong and persist for centuries. Alcohol has often played and still plays a significant part in many family dramas.

When I look at my family, especially on my mother’s side, which I know much better than my father’s side, it becomes quite clear. My mother had a rough childhood, as did her siblings, and my grandparents had an even rougher childhood, as did their parents and so on.

The mother of my grandfather used to smash whole wooden chairs on his back. She must have been a very angry, probably drunk woman. She never wanted to see or meet me. She was alive until I was around 15 years old.

My parents drank a lot of alcohol and fought a lot, as did my grandparents, their parents, and grandparents, and so forth.

It is an ongoing toxic family pattern, initiated or at least made stronger by Alcohol.

My mother was never considered a full-on alcoholic, so nobody intervened. She lives in an environment where everyone enjoys drinking a decent amount of alcohol every week. It is difficult to see the necessary changes that should be made when everyone around you confirms that what you are doing is great.

When I stopped having contact with my mother, I could finally start developing in the direction I wanted to go. I chose the path of self-improvement and self-development. Becoming aware of who I am, where I come from, where I will go, and how to make this world a better place.

I am following my heart, finding like-minded beings, and creating magical things together. I don’t want to waste my precious life energy on low vibrations, not anymore.

Ending the relationship with my mother and not having contact was the hardest & best decision I could have made for myself.

Today I feel safe, loved, and happy in my environment.

I will always love my mother because she is my mother. I forgive her for everything, and I don’t blame her for anything because I know that I am in control of my life and the decisions that I make which form my character further and further.

This year will mark exactly 7 years since I quit contact with my mother.

It was my most intense period of self-discovery and self-development. I became much more aware of who I am and what my soul’s intention is and became the mother of 2 wonderful children, together with my soulmate.

We are not the richest or the most powerful family in the world (yet), but we have a home that is filled with love and respect. We teach our children mindfulness, meditation, and yoga. Lead a happy and adventurous life with our kids and travel around the world.

Our energy is directed towards creativity, and playful learning. We eat healthily and treat our bodies like our temples.

I am so grateful to have made this big turn in my life (massive shout-out to Mother Ayahuasca — Thank You!).

I won’t continue with this destructive family pattern of self-sabotage, hurt, and blame. Alcohol played a major role in this family drama but this ends with me!

I am happy to have quit alcohol at the end of 2017, in order to prepare for my second intense psychedelic flood dose: Iboga.

After my Iboga weekend, I never touched alcohol again. I started microdosing and got more into plant medicine.

Alcohol has the ability to cut this very special and sensitive spiritual connection.

You can be whoever you choose to be! I believe in your great potential! I know you have the power of changing and improving.

We can heal our wounds, let go of everything that doesn’t serve us, including toxic relationships and we can develop into the version of ourselves that we always wanted to be.

Feel loved, feel hugged.

Namasté

Alina

Follow for more. Subscribe here.