The Craving of Kindness
What I find myself needing more and more.
I recently started dating again after a hiatus of more than four years. When I say dating, I’ve been on a total of two dates with the same woman.
When you’re in the world of dating, you’ll ultimately get asked the following question:
What are you looking for in a partner?
My answer is simple: kindness.
In a world that appears to have gone bat-shit crazy, kindness has become an all-too-necessary commodity. Personally, I believe that kindness is pretty much the answer for everything.
Like many of you, I have spent my fair share of time in relationships where kindness was sorely lacking — on both parts. Over the last five years as I’ve travelled far more extensively and lived in multiple communities and cultures, I’ve realized how precious kindness actually is and I’ve started to crave it.
The pandemic showed, in equal measures, the power of kindness as well as the destruction caused by lack thereof.
I see people claiming to care about our mental health, when they’re actually causing us great harm. I see them talk about hope and optimism, and yet they do nothing but pitch fits when anyone asks them to take on the slightest inconvenience for a greater good.
The hissy fit over wearing a mask blew my mind. All we were being asked to do was to care for other souls as the world tried to get through an unprecedented global pandemic. What’s the big deal?
I also saw kindness reach an extraordinary level throughout the pandemic. At the beginning there were concerts to raise money for people who had lost their jobs and their homes due to Covid-19. People created free services for the elderly and immunocompromised to deliver their groceries— God knows the big supermarkets with the big bank accounts weren’t going to do it.
Masks were made and distributed, video calls were commonplace to help the isolated feel less lonely, and my local nursing home asked people to become pen-pals with the residents so that they had someone to communicate with during the restrictions.
As Yvonne Sin in British Columbia says:
I’ve learned about restaurants providing and delivering free meals to thank health care workers.
But I digress.
For me, kindness is a non-negotiable when it comes to a life partner and I hold myself to the same standard.
I’ve been in too many relationships where I was expected to play the role of the rock, the hero, and even the savior. I’m a strong woman and I’ve worn some of these badges well, but everyone needs someone to rely on, someone to help you push through when times get tough.
Whilst true equality in every moment is not possible, there should be a gentle ebb and flow of effort from both partners. Some days I give more and on others, you do, but on all days kindness should prevail.
I haven’t had the easiest time over the last five years, but then neither have many of us. As Charlie Brown writes in her excellent article regarding Comparative Suffering,
Someone else will always have it worse than you. That doesn’t diminish what you’re going through.
I completely concur with this statement and have been saying it for years.
Pain is relative to life experience and history. Some have been through horrific experiences, and in comparison to another’s pain may look incomparable — but it’s not. The challenges we face are new to each and every one of us and we, mostly, do the best we can to get through them.
What looks big to you may look small to me but I’m not going to diminish what you’re going through because it’s big to you!
Kindness in speech and action were not in abundance where I grew up, it was a dog-eat-dog culture and aggressive speech was the norm. There was, however, one shining light of kindness in my world as a child — my Godmother — the litmus test for kindness as far as I’m concerned.
I’ve thought a lot about her lately as my craving for kindness has grown. She was a remarkable woman. Whilst I doubt I will ever reach her echelons of gentleness and soulful beauty, mainly due to the conditioning I’m still trying to “uncondition,” I’m nevertheless on a mission to be as kind as I can.
I have surrounded myself with kind people from all over the world. If you show me that you are not able to speak with kindness (and believe me I give some more chances than I should), I’ll walk away.
I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again.
It’s not that I think I’m special and deserve all the kindness in the world, it’s that I don’t want to be around anger and hostility anymore. I work daily to readjust my thinking in a way that makes me as kind and tolerant as I can be… and believe me there are days when I fail miserably. I speak to dozens of students every week, some of whom are not remotely kind or caring and it’s easy to match like with like, but the thing is — I just don’t want to do that anymore.
Yeah, okay, it might feel good in that moment where you feel vindicated and “put them in their place,” but that type of energetic exchange feels completely awful running through your body and psyche, and it’ll sit with you for days, sometimes weeks, depending on how hostile it was.
That supermarket clerk that frowned at you might have just lost a parent, that bus driver that barely looked at you when you greeted him might have just been given notice on his home, that nurse that was kind but didn’t acknowledge your pain sufficiently might just have ended a relationship and she’s struggling to put every one of your needs first. None of us have any idea what others are going through so just be kind.
Acknowledging someone else’s pain will never diminish your own. And to be honest, why do we want to revel in our pain?
Pain is meant to be a temporary state — something we heal from. I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather spend my mental and energetic time in happiness and joy than in pain. It’s become a craving.
The moments where I feel at my personal best are when kindness has reigned supreme. This is where I wish to dwell.
Kindness has become my language of love.
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