Stop My Seed Arising

Summary

The article reflects on the profound personal impact of loving in the time of AIDS as the author recounts his relationship with his partner Loy, who succumbed to AIDS-related complications, and the ensuing feelings of guilt and regret manifested in the author's poem.

Abstract

This poignant piece of writing delves into the emotional journey of Steve Alexander, who met his life partner, Loy, in 1986. Their lives were forever altered when they tested HIV-positive, leading to a period filled with uncertainty and acceptance, as they chose not to dwell on the past and focused on living with the virus. After Loy's death in 1995, Steve grappled with overwhelming survivor's guilt, which he channeled into a dark and somber poem titled "Stop My Seed Arising." The poem is an expression of his anguish and the unrelenting wish to exchange places with his beloved and prevent the suffering that ended Loy's life.

Opinions

The author and Loy chose to move beyond the question of who was responsible for their HIV infection, focusing instead on accepting their reality and supporting one another.
After Loy's death, the author was plagued by the haunting belief that he was responsible for Loy's illness and subsequent passing.
The emotion-laden poem in the article is a Testament to the deep, passionate love the author felt toward Loy, underscoring the regret for unable to protect Loy.
The article commemorates Loy by sharing their love story filled with strength, mutual caring, and emotional fortitude in the face of irreversible adversity during the AIDS epidemic.

The consequences of loving in the time of AIDS

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I met my soulmate, Loy, in October 1986. In February 1987, we both tested HIV-positive. He died of complications from AIDS in April 1995.

Neither of us knew whether he was HIV positive before we met or whether we both were. The three possibilities were equally probable. We would never know which was the case. Agreeing it was fruitless to obsess over who exposed whom, we apportioned no blame and assigned no fault. Neither allowed the other to feel guilt. We accepted our status as a fact of life, put considerations of how we got there aside, and moved on.

Still, after he died, the rising specter it was I who brought Death upon him inhabited my soul. I wrote this oppressive, noir poem giving expression to the survivor’s guilt racking me.

Stop My Seed Arising

To have evaded the onslaught, Side-stepped the bullet train Of your dread sixteen months’ dying; Not since to have lived eons fraught Far beyond describing With this salt rime from my crying.

Never to have known such anguish, Extreme and frank despair As even Hell’s stopped descrying, Or this year no longer languish, By degrees expiring In what others name surviving.

For none of these nor my pain desist Cradled in God’s embrace, Nor my troubled soul’s quieting, One hour with thee would I have missed In ecstasy writhing, Or in thine arms one night’s lying.

But all of these gladly would endure In endless penitence, For twice eternity striving Time to reverse, thy health secure, Stop my seed arising. Keep thee from in a grave lying.

POETRY | LGBT+ | LOVE | REGRET

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