The Claps; The New Scourge of Our Society

What it is, diagnosis and seeking support

There is an affliction that places us all in imminent danger. The very foundations of our online community are on the brink of collapse.

This disease is as debilitating as man-flu. And as stigmatizing as having ginger hair.

What Is It?

The claps is a spectrum of antisocial behaviours that inflict harm and negativity on others.

Those that engage in these harmful behaviours are commonly referred to as clappers. Victims of such abuse are known as clappees. Those that dismiss the claps as junk science are known as anti-clappees. Eileen Ulick is the de-facto leader of The Anti-Clapee Union of National Trendsetters (ACUNT). Lobbyists against the claps are referred to as anti-clappers. One of the leading lights in lobbying for social change is The Great British Anti-Clapping Front (GBACF). Not to be confused with The Anti-Clapping Front of Great Britain (ACFGB). These two organizations are constantly bickering with one another. I think I’m gonorrhea-valuate my relationship with both of them.

The claps show mercy to neither victim or assailant. Even the assailant is at risk of harm. Their Meddyum account could be suspended at any time.

Common types of Clappers:

The Happy Clapper

These clappers care more about coming to the attention of the writer, than showing genuine recognition for the story. These individuals would clap at a funeral if it got them the attention they craved.

The Angry Clapper

Also known as the armchair clapper. Ironically, they tend not to clap. Nor will they engage in any coherent, respectable discussion. They are experts in the use of shutdown-statements and insults in the response feed of stories. They also put swear words at the end of their sentences to make it look funny. What arseholes!

The Aggrieved Clapper

These clappers will only clap for comments that are themselves disrespectful, unkind and ultimately toxic. Trolls radicalise the aggrieved clapper and produce a bully that wages mass destruction on innocent Meddyum enthusiasts. We need to seize their memes of production.

The Attention-Seeking Clapper

This type of clapper puts the work in. Not only do they clap, but they will write an essay-length response to a story. The sole aim of their comment is to promote their presence on Meddyum, with little to no recognition for the writer or the content. They are the ultimate online attention seekers. The kind of people that would publicly endorse misogyny if it got them validation and praise.

The Narcissistic Clapper

This type of clapper will attempt to turn every engagement into an opportunity to talk about themselves. And tell everyone how fantastic they are. Any engagement with this type of clapper is futile. They will have more excuses for their toxic behaviour than a pregnant nun.

The Spamming Clapper

This type of clapper will clap and then post a comment with links to their own content. They attempt to justify their behaviour with bullshit excuses that there are links between the writer’s content and theirs. I will search for penis enlargements in my own time thank you very much.

Getting Diagnosed

Unfortunately, there are two major factors that make the diagnosis of the claps difficult. Firstly there is a distinct lack of evidence-based research in this field. Secondly and more importantly, most of us people on Meddyum don’t give a shit. Some people are just idiots.

Help and Support

If you or someone you know is a clapper, signpost them to the ‘Meddyum Abuse Hotline’. A Meddyum employee will answer, call you a fat piece of shit and then tell you to fuck off. Alternatively, you may feel it more appropriate to make an emergency appointment to get over yourself.