Love Means Nothing to You

We’re over and I’m not coming back!

We’re over. Kaput. Finito. I’m not coming back. I was a fool to think it could work between us.

When we first got together we were young(ish!) and naive. We had our whole lives ahead of us. Then the honeymoon period wore off. Our relationship started to become dull and empty. I was as bored as a hippy’s hairdryer.

I wanted to talk about politics. That one time I tried to talk to you about how cool it would be if Trump believed in global warming. But you weren’t interested. You were only interested in other peoples lives. You would tell me what mutual friends were up to. Like what Burt up the road was having for dinner. Or how Jenny was suicidal because she couldn’t find her phone charger. You tried to tell me that I was as unique as everybody else. I didn’t believe you.

I wanted you to be my shoulder to cry on. That time I came back from the doctors with erectile dysfunction. And you didn’t understand. I mean, it’s not hard.

Do you remember when I got thrown out of church for claiming Jesus spoke with a lisp? It was a real slap in the faith. What did you say? You were like Kermit the Frog at Jim Henson’s funeral. Speechless.

You and I grew further apart. Then there were the rumours last year. You denied them. But how do you think your behaviour made me feel? Rumours that you had exposed yourself to millions of people. You blamed it on your vulnerability.

Then I left you. You begged me to come back by introducing me to people I may know. You tried to talk to me about the past. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be. But like a fool, I came back to you. I thought it would work. It did for a bit. But then you went back to your old ways. I tried sharing stuff with you. That day my mouse Elvis died. Do you remember? He got caught in a trap. I needed a shoulder to cry on. But instead, you kept trying to get me to play Fortnite. But I must have told you a million times. I don’t like games that only last two weeks.

You made me feel as uncomfortable as Kevin Spacey at a PTA meeting. Being with you is like dating a tennis player. Love means nothing to you.

I’m not saying it was your fault. I’m just blaming you.

Facebook, I’m done. Actually, it’s not me. It’s you!

“Tis better to have logged in and lost than never to have logged in at all.”

Update: Since the writing of this story, Lee Serpa Azevado and Facebook have rekindled their relationship. Although they are taking things slowly.