Summary

The author reflects on the personal and emotional challenges of creating a meaningful goals list, distinguishing it from wish lists and bucket lists, and acknowledges the importance of self-assessment and growth in the pursuit of a fulfilling life.

Abstract

The article titled "The Case of the Missing Goals List" delves into the author's struggle with defining and writing down personal goals. The author, surrounded by the pressure of self-expectation and the need for introspection, grapples with the connotations of setting goals, which evoke a sense of significance and achievement. The process forces the author to confront their fears, past choices, and the balance between personal ambitions and responsibilities as a parent. Through the recollection of a poignant experience with a hospice patient, the author underscores the profound impact of living a life without regret and the necessity of cultivating self-worth beyond the safety of routine. The narrative concludes with the realization that goals and dreams may be intertwined, prompting readers to consider how they can manifest their aspirations and enhance their lives through various forms of list-making and self-reflection.

Opinions

Goals are perceived as significant targets that one aims to achieve, which can be overwhelming.
The act of writing a goals list is seen as a daunting task that requires honest self-assessment and the acknowledgment of personal strengths, weaknesses, and past mistakes.
Fear of failure can lead to making safe choices that do not contribute to personal growth or the pursuit of success.
Living an unfulfilling life can result from not stepping out of one's comfort zone and not striving for personal development.
The author believes that goals and dreams may not be mutually exclusive and that understanding the emotional drivers behind them is crucial.
Reflecting on life experiences, such as the author's time in hospice, emphasizes the importance of living a life with meaningful purpose and without regret.
The author suggests that making various types of lists can help individuals clarify their aspirations, prioritize their happiness, and live a life aligned with their values and desires.

The Case of the Missing Goals List

Wish lists, and bucket lists, and Goal lists, Oh My!

I have my notebook in front of me and my thumb won’t stop clicking my pen. I am attempting to write a goal list. “But what defines a goal,” I ask.

I sense my friend staring at me, likely thinking that I am making things harder than they need to be. I glance up across our table to see the look of confusion on their face, too. I have a few things listed; studying Jiu Jitsu and touring Transylvania, for example.

And my mind races some more. “What is the difference between a goals list, a list of priorities, pros and cons, a wish list, a bucket list?” My friend mentions self-fulfillment and living a meaningful life, although somehow, I don’t remember if they used those exact words. Feeling a little self-defensive, I fight the urge to shut down. But I want to understand. I need this exercise and I genuinely trust their intention. Sharing this moment = sharing my vulnerability.

“It’s in there, just write,” they say while pointing towards my head. I promise I am not stalling. I have never written a list of goals. I hear *GOALS* and I am frozen. Goals are set targets. Objectives. Something that you aim to HIT. Something you achieve. The connotative value of the word makes me feel more overwhelmed than I want to admit. When I think goals, I think: significant, winning, points, score, prize…

I mean: GOAL! (insert cheers here)

Goals feel BIG.

Being tasked with creating a goal list that revolves around *me* is frightening. It forces new thought processes, new self-definitions. Introspection. Facing facts. It demands a true assessment of current situations. Requires acknowledgment of mistakes and shortcomings and strengths and weaknesses all at once. It highlights time gone; not lost… but definitely spent. I am compelled to look within.

Fear of failure led me to downgrade my ambitions.

Choices all made by calculating the probability of success — and aligning it with reality. Safe choices ensure that you survive, but they do little in the pursuit of success. It’s like living on the fence. Sometimes you really just have to: Make. The. Move. I made safe choices to avoid personal failure but also to ensure that my kids had everything they needed as they grew up.

Creating a goals list makes it necessary to evaluate myself as an individual, rather than exclusively as a parent. It requires me to step out of the safe zone.

The safe zone isn’t where growth is cultivated.

It isn’t where your sense of self-worth comes from. And you risk waking up one day realizing that you are living an unfulfilling life. Not living up to your full potential, disconnection in your relationships… something is missing. You need meaning. You discover that what had served you before is now holding you back. We need to grow and we need to change.

Before I can go further with my list, I am taken over by the need to share a story about a patient that I had cared for when I worked in hospice. So, I tell my friend my story of the elderly woman who I witnessed spend her last few weeks crying, nearly wordless, because of regrets over the things she never experienced. “Loneliness, too,” she had once briefly explained.

It’s stuck in my throat, so I don’t tell my friend about the times I cried silently for her as I washed her hair and took care of her. It was 23 years ago and I can still feel it.

My friend wants me to look ahead… What about one day… when my 7-inch shorter, silver, and 70-year-old self looks back… will she smile instead of cry? Will she have regret over inaction… A life not well lived?

“Write your list.”

I’d like to say that I did it. That I picked up my blue pen, and in my swirly ornate handwriting, I was able to write the list of GOALS!! (cue cheering crowd noises)

But I didn’t… I listed dreams instead.

Later that week I decide that maybe goals and dreams must coalesce. Or perhaps they are the same.

To understand, we should explore the motivators and emotions that drive our need for certain experiences. Our goals are all based on an emotional need and maybe a goals list is really looking at how we can best manifest our dreams and our bucket list items.

Ask yourself:

What parts of your life can you work on upgrading?
Are you constantly sacrificing your happiness for others?
Do you forget to put yourself first every now and then?
How can you add value and increase your happiness?
Is your job satisfying?
Do you help others?
Is there a hobby that you have always wanted to pursue?
How do you define a life with meaningful purpose?
What are you grateful for that you want to continue cultivating?
Can you improve your health?
Are you appreciated in your relationships?
Is there a burning need that you want to fulfill?
What are you missing?
How can you find what you are missing?

Start making lists. All kinds of lists. Wish lists, bucket lists, to-do lists, to-don’t lists, priorities lists, dream lists, best-of lists, timeline lists, brainstorming lists, checklists, gratitude lists, worst-case-scenario lists, and of course, goal lists.

I have more homework to do. I still can’t see through the fog that hides my goals. I know there is something there. I am far too interested in learning and much too inquisitive to not have anything to write down. I like to help people get past their fog because it is like witnessing potential personified. For now, I want to share memories, time, and lots of wish-listy and bucket-listy experiences with the ones I love.

“Its important to have specific dreams. Dream Big. Dream without fear.” ― Randy Pausch