The Biggest Thing Holding People Back in Life, Love, and Money

Two of the worst words in the English language when put together

If you have the means or the privilege and capacity to acquire the means, mindset might be all that matters to success in life, love, and money.

As I noted in a recent Making of a Millionaire article about making city life work:

A typical response is yeah, but…

Over the years, I have learned something about the yeah but crowd when you discuss city life. They’re going to find every reason on Earth to argue why it’s not going to work. Bottom line — living in big cities isn’t for everyone.

They’re used suburban life where compromise means doing without a “bonus room” or not having a pool. Totally different experiences and lifestyle views.

If you want to make it work in a big city, rent a small space. Yeah, but what if you have a family?

If you want to make it work in a big city, don’t have a car. Yeah, but what about when it rains?

And so on and so forth.

Yeah, buts abound in areas outside of the can I actually make it work in a big city conundrum.

As usual, Medium readers responded with solid insight on the notion of yeah but. Let’s sample a few of the best responses to color our conversation:

Here’s part of what Denise Shelton had to say:

The yeah buts also prevent many people from traveling out of the country for a vacation. It’s sad how people put limits on themselves needlessly.

Keyword: needlessly.

Then there’s Alice Giuditta’s excellent contribution:

Alice went on to say:

The “yeah but” circle largely overlaps with the “risk averse” aka the “what could go wrong” circle. (These are the people whose “yeah but”s go as far as “What if there’s a fire? What if a lightning bolt strikes the lamp post and it falls and lands on my car?).

At their most extreme, they often lead lives orientated around fear, ignoring everything that could go right, lest one thing go wrong.

There’s really nothing better than recognizing how the incessant yeah, butting impacts your life and livelihood.

Eugenio Cibruscola takes it from there and sums it up clearly and concisely. We can tie his response to money:

I can’t say I’m necessarily a huge fan of it is what it is either, though I do understand what Eugenio means. I prefer:

Just figure it out

I’m the first person to take shots at myself. To self-deprecate and be too hard on myself. However, I have always done quite well in the just figure it out department. I made the conscious effort to remove yeah but from my vocabulary several years ago. The only time I yeah but is when it’s in response to somebody else’s unproductive yeah but.

My girlfriend and I are taking this aerial tramway into the mountains of Palm Springs in a couple weeks. In 12-and-a-half minutes, we’ll ascend from 2,643 feet to just over 8,500 feet.

I’m sort of afraid of heights. She is a little. But we’re going for it because this is what we do. We want to overcome a relatively minor fear together and enjoy what lies at the end of the ride — apparently excellent hiking and, most definitely, beautiful views and scenery.

My girlfriend would never come with the negative yeah but because she’s a badass, however —

If I came up with the idea (I didn’t. She did!) and she was like yeah but what if we get scared. I would be like yeah but what if we do. We’re going to have a great time together — even better if we get scared together — and we’re going to have a great hike and an amazing feeling before, during, and after our adventure.

There’s nothing better than two people who eschew negative yeah buts getting together and going the distance.

If you let yeah buts permeate and control your life, you miss out on a lot. You create toxic relationships with other people. You end up in a partnership that’s anything but.

You turn vacations into nightmares. Traffic jams into stress-fests rather than opportunities to dance and sing badly. Getting lost on unfamiliar roads into unhealthy anxiety as opposed to the beauty of laughing at one another’s horrible sense of direction.

You’ll be one of those guys walking on the shopping street with his girlfriend — actually lagging behind your girlfriend on the shopping street — wishing you were anywhere but with her. You can think of the equivalent toxicity for any flavor of pairing you can imagine.

All the yeah buts add up to a miserable existence. To finding yourself in a rut.

If you’re in a lifestyle rut…

If you’re in a relationship rut…

You run the risk of finding yourself in professional and financial ruts.

You’ll bring the yeah buts into these areas of life. Because yeah buts represent little more than seemingly insignificant behaviors you use to control your anxiety. Except you’re not controlling anything, you’re enabling yourself. When the people around you start doing likewise, you’re really screwed. You see it “working” and you repeat the behavior in everything you do.

You’ll find a reason to not quit your full-time job and go freelance. You’ll find a reason to not quit your full-time job and start your own business. You’ll find a reason to not save money because, yeah but $25 a month is nothing (even though it absolutely is something). You’ll find a reason to not invest your money because, yeah but the stock market is rigged (when it’s actually anything but).

If you can’t refuse to remove yeah but from your vocabulary, at the very least counter your negative yeah buts with positive ones.

So yeah saving money makes sense, but I don’t make enough to do it.

Yeah but $25 a month equals $300 a year, which is $300 more saved than you have right now.

Yeah I’d love to invest, but the stock market favors the big money, not the little guy.

Yeah but companies that pay dividends give you what is basically free money every quarter (or every month) to reinvest in more stock. This is how you build wealth!

You can counter every negative with a positive — in every aspect of life. If this annoys the people around you, find other people to keep around you.

And this isn’t about that positive psychology crap. It’s quite the opposite. You’re not seeking guidance from the universe or rubbing a crystal or even looking yourself in the mirror with cheesy self-talk.

Instead, you’re making a realistic assessment of your situation. You’re acknowledging that, yes things can and might go wrong. Maybe they already have. You process this reality for a second then maybe you actually say, it is what it is. Most importantly, from there, you just go and figure it out. You do what you need to do to live the type of life that makes you want to live forever.

Taking on this attitude helps everything else fall into place. You attract others with the same attitude. You do cool shit together. You see professional success. And you start to reap the financial rewards. You stress and work less and live more.