The Biggest Lies in How to Tell if He’s Cheating
She thinks he’s cheating but doesn’t know how to confront him.
“He’s cheating. I know he is,” Diana said with ultimate assurance.
“How do you know? Did you catch him with his mistress? What makes you think so?”
“No, I did see him with anyone. But I saw deleted photos of his dick and semi-nude pictures he took in the gym shower. He didn’t send me those photos so he must have sent them to some chic before deleting them.”
I was hoping she had concrete proof her husband won’t be able to deny, but she didn’t. All she had were three images. No chat history, no email, and no call records to back up her suspicion.
Whenever my married friends share stories of their cheating spouses, it often begins with minor shreds of evidence like this and then it grows bigger as they dig deep into their spouses activities.
My friend just had a baby three months ago, their first child in the marriage. The last thing she needs now is to discover that she might end up raising her child as a single parent. She quit her job when she was in her second trimester and started freelance jobs online for insurance firms.
I wanted so badly to dispel her fears. I tried to make up excuses that maybe her husband has a weird habit of taking photos of his body just so he could gush over them.
No, she didn’t buy that. She continued to inquire. “He’s cheating, right?” “Why aren’t you saying something?” I didn’t have the words to comfort her.
“What if he’s not cheating and you find out you only got your blood pressure up for nothing?” I said. Hoping she would let things slide. Probably until she’s strong enough to handle any emotional trauma.
“Do you have a prenup?” I asked.
“No. We did talk about it but didn’t pull through with it. Why do you ask?”
“Right now I think you should get one. Speak with your attorney and prepare a postnup with a clause on infidelity. If he’s seeing someone, then he will be forced to break it off and that will put your mind to rest. But if he refuses to sign it, then we can proceed to dig further about the pictures.”
She liked my suggestion. If her husband is messing around, I want her to protect her assets first before confronting him. She has more to lose than him. And she has to be mentally prepared for the inevitable if her suspicions are true.
Cheating is a situation that reminds us that we have no control over other people’s attitudes towards us.
When we are betrayed, it is difficult to see the betrayer in a good light.
We doubt and blame ourselves for not seeing the signs before it happened. Some people even live in denial and may end up depressed.
They get confused and battle with their minds. “Are you dreaming? This can’t be happening. There’s no way this person can cheat on you.”
Their thoughts are clouded because it feels so unreal. Cheating never feels right. For the one being cheated on, it’s a dehumanizing thing to process.
But if you had seen the signs before it happened, you can easily accept the situation for what it is and work your way to resolving the problem.
So to help you move on or accept that your partner is making a move to cheat on you, here are signs you can watch out for and what you can do to prevent him from cheating.
They pick unnecessary fights with you
Very often, when someone is planning on cheating on you, they get easily irritated by your presence. They find faults in everything you do.
A simple “come and take a bath” or “what will you like for dinner?” turns into a catastrophic argument.
When you notice your partner is becoming easily triggered by irrelevant things, you need to realize it is not your fault. You are not the problem.
People who cheat tend to battle with their conscious because they are looking for a reason to justify their action before it happens.
Sometimes they may not know when they are getting triggered. But their subconscious mind tries to make the relationship painful to avoid the guilt.
What you can do
There is no easy way to handle a person with uncontrollable emotions. But what you can do is to do things they loved at the beginning of the relationship.
By reliving those loving moments, they begin to see the person they fell in love with again. If you’d notice your plan working, be understanding as they are still fragile at this point.
When his calm, talk to him about his sudden change in attitude. Ask him what has changed since the day he fell in love with you. By being understanding and not pushy, you might get a confession out of him.
They are too attached to their phone
Like I said earlier, people who cheat always feel that guilt before it happens. You might notice them taking secret calls or hiding their phone from you.
You may notice the hush tone and excitement when they begin to talk with someone they know they shouldn’t be talking to. People who have nothing to hide don’t have sketchy behavior.
That guilt they feel is their conscious mind telling them what they are doing isn’t right. If you can reach him at this point, then you can save the cheating from happening.
Cheaters know their actions will hurt you, so they try to protect you by hiding it. It’s important you act on their guilt to wake up their subconscious.
If you notice your partner is overly protective over his phone, you have every reason to believe something isn’t right.
What you can do
One thing you can do to pull down the protective walls he builds for you is to tell him a similar story of a friend who is going through the same thing and ask for his opinion.
By asking for his advice to a friend who suspects her partner is making a move to cheat on her, you catch him off guard. And his conscious mind will tell you how to proceed.
Because any advice he gives you at this point will determine the extent he has gone with his betrayal. If his advice is for your friend to confront her partner about her suspicion, then confront him about yours but another day.
Give him two or three days to reflect on your conversation and talk to him about your suspicion of his behavior.
And if he has any respect left you, he will know you already suspect him and break it off with the other person.
They stop having sex with you
Some people are strategic cheats. They may be having sex with you but still have an interest in someone else.
However, most times, with first-time cheaters, the sequence is the same. They start getting irritable, and next, they stop having sex with you.
Sex represents the connection- the level of intimacy the two of you share. If you were having great sex before, but now he’s withdrawn and avoids sex all the time, making up excuses whenever you initiate a move, you have every reason to be suspicious of him.
Because his lack of interest in sex can only last so long, and it reduces his connection with you.
What you can do
I wrote a post on how to connect with a man, even when puts up a wall. The strategies I mentioned in the article can be very useful when your partner withdraws their attention from you.
If you want to reconnect with someone planning to cheat on you, the best thing you can do is become their friend.
When someone wants to cheat, it’s because they see the other person as a friend who understands them. Become that friend they seek outside your relationship.
Don’t shame him for having thoughts about cheating. Make him feel heard. Give him the chance to discuss why he feels different about you now than before.
Allowing him to confront his darkest desires and emotions will help you learn more about him and how you can fulfill his needs.
They will gaslight you to take the guilt off them
More often, when you confront someone with the truth, they flip the script and make you the bad guy.
Potential cheats use this strategy too. When you confront their behavior based on the signs you see, they may turn you into the paranoid one. They make it look like you are crazy.
This is a defense tact to shut you up. Because if he can make you doubt yourself, if he can make you question whether your memory or interpretation of the situation is correct, then he moves into a power position.
When you sense something is up, trust yourself that it is. Don’t allow him to trick you into believing otherwise.
When a potential cheat starts gaslighting you, it’s because he’s trying to cover up the act of betrayal.
What you can do
You won’t get a confession or regret from him by insisting you’re right and he’s wrong. Even if you show him physical evidence, it may not change anything.
Gaslighting is a form of abuse. So if your partner is using this tact, you should be aware that they often go on with the cheating.
If you notice his behavior continues after you confronted him, at this point, all you can do is remind him of your boundaries.
Let home know if he pushes through to cheat on you, he’s ending his relationship with you.
Let him know you won’t forgive him if he cheats on you because that proves he has no respect for you and the relationship and what you intend to do if he betrays you.
Their stories about time lapses don’t add up
When someone loves you and is loyal to you, they want to give you every detail about their time away from you.
They get excited about sharing their day-to-day activity with you. But when someone isn’t loyal to you, they are sneaky in their conversation. They are afraid to share their day because they might say something that will increment them.
Although some guys hardly talk much, where the suspicion gets in is if he becomes irritated when you ask about his day.
So if he gets mad because you asked for details about his activities, that’s a sure sign he’s hiding something. It might not be that he is cheating or planning to cheat, but he is doing something he’s not proud of.
What you can do
Before a person cheats on you, the first thing they do is learn how to tell a convincing lie.
If you notice your partner’s stories do not add about his whereabouts, don’t act pushy to get the truth because it will only reinforce the ideas in his head that the relationship isn’t fun anymore.
Try to be more liberal. Accept his lies and allow him to believe you trust him. The last thing you want to do is pick a fight when you notice he’s clearly lying to you.
Situations like this may require you to be a bit extreme. You can start hanging out with friends and pretend you are not bothered. Your distance will create confusion in his mind.
If you have been giving him too much attention and suddenly stop after confronting him about your suspicion, more often, potential cheats get worried and try to talk things out.
Human actions are not always predictable. However, these signs are usually the ones we see before someone cheats.
To ascertain your suspicion, be sure you notice three or more of these signs before concluding your partner is planning to cheat.
Accusing a partner who trusts your judgment can lead to conflicts you are not prepared for.
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