The Biggest Benefit of Always Being Yourself
Losing my way, the journey back to the real me, and how it transformed my life
I went to an all-boys boarding high school. Accompanied with that comes the testosterone-driven competitiveness that 550 boys going through puberty bring to the table.
At times, I had heaps of fun. You’re constantly surrounded by friends, no parents, limited supervision, and all the space in the world to explore.
It could also be the smallest place in the world, as if there was no place you could go to just be yourself. It was a ruthless environment — survival of the fittest. By fittest, I mean, most popular. And the quickest way to the top of the popularity chain in a boys' school is by proving yourself. That often (mostly) comes at the detriment of others who are “weaker.”
In an effort to keep my head above water, I fought my way to the top of the pile. During that effort, I fundamentally changed a lot of things about myself that I am still unraveling today.
It’s like peeling back an onion layer by layer. Just when you think you’ve gone to the middle, there’s still another to go.
Why now?
So, what was the catalyst for deciding to get back to my true self, and why did it take this long to make that decision?
The realization came the other day when I was speaking to a friend and started getting anxious. I couldn’t understand why. There was no apparent reason for the sudden anxiety onset and as I worried about it more, the worse it got — standard.
After I’d survived the conversation, I escaped to my room and tried to get to the bottom of what had just happened. I realized there’d been a trigger that had set everything off. The person I’d be chatting with asked me about something that deep down I love doing — cooking — and I straight up lied to her about it. It wasn’t a conscious decision, it just came out before I’d even thought about the actual response. I’d be conditioned to respond that way because cooking was not something a high-school jock could be associated with.
But I’m no longer a high school jock, why I am still trying to keep that appearance up? The truth is, I don’t know.
My best guess is years of repetition has meant it has become ingrained into me.
While I was sitting there on my bedroom floor contemplating what had just happened, and why I’d lied about something so mundane, it dawned on me that this was happening most days.
I was so far away from the person who was deep, deep inside of me.
The Freedom of a Kid Without Worries
That’s what I don’t have. I haven’t had it for years.
Sure, it's unreasonable to think that you can go about life with the same gay abandon as you did when you were 5 or 6 when you literally had zero responsibilities.
But what I’ve lost is the freedom to live for when I was that age — and that’s not an authentic version of myself.
There’s no point in pretending.
It doesn’t get you anywhere, besides into tricky situations where you get anxious because you don’t know how to act. And that’s exactly what you have to do, all the time — act.
In starting my journey back to becoming my authentic self, I realized how much worry and mental fatigue would be removed if I didn’t have to think about how I was acting.
Was I being cool enough?
Did I laugh too loud?
Was that an inappropriate thing to say?
I was so focused on myself — because I had to be — that I was losing out on a genuine connection with the people around me. I was listening, but not hearing.
When that happens, you quickly lose touch with reality. As a result of years of doing this, I realized I was surrounded by people who actually had very little in common with who I was, below the multiple layers of the onion.
Added Value to Your Life
Another bonus of being yourself?
You attract like-minded people. But you also repel those who don’t fit into your eco-system. That means you’re surrounded by the people who matter to you, who love you for who you are, and ultimately who want you to be your best self.
Those who don’t like who you are leave — and that’s okay too. You can’t be friends with everyone, and in trying to be you’re doing yourself a disservice.
As the saying goes, “You’re the average of the 5 people you spend most of your time around.” Make those quality people that align with your true self, values and purpose, and the trajectory of your intellectual wealth will be in constant upward motion.
That only happens when you’re true to yourself.
According to the Harvard Business School and the University of Carolina, in a study they conducted regarding job interviews, being yourself in an interview is much more attractive to employers.
The norm is that during an interview, you’re trying to impress the people who you want to hire you. HBS Uses a term called ‘catering’. The just of it is that you try and cater for what the other person wants to hear, and in so doing, alter the way you act to mirror what you think they want to hear.
Over 71% of applicants across a 450-people survey believed that ‘catering’ was beneficial to their cause. They couldn’t have been more wrong!
In another controlled experiment, applicants were randomly screened across different investment pitches and asked to pitch in different ways. It was found that those who were trying to cater to their audience were 29% less likely to receive the funding they were asking for than those who were acting genuinely.
Next time you’re in doubt about how to act in an interview? Just don’t. Be yourself.
The Journey Back
I’ve recognized I’ve left the path that I know I’d rather be on. So, what does the journey back to where I know I want to be look like?
How do you make your way back to your roots after years of warping your inner self?
I’ve figured out the first step: Learning to love who that inner person is. It sounds cliche, but you need to remember what made you truly happy, and gravitate back towards that person. Without loving who that person was, you’ll never feel comfortable in your own skin, and constantly feel the need to try and fit in and be somebody else.
Some ways I’m doing that are through mindfulness practice and daily journaling.
By practicing mindfulness, I am training my brain to stop the ingrained behavior of trying to be someone else. By being able to stop, notice what I am doing, and note to myself when, where and why, it helps me be better at prepping myself for situations where I may slip back into old habits.
Journaling keeps me accountable. It’s the one place I can be brutally honest with myself. By talking to myself as if I’m a person sitting across the table, I can almost hash out any feelings, issues or emotions that I’m wrestling with. This helps me keep a clear mind, and aligned with my goal of returning to the most real version of myself.
Other small things I’m trying to do:
- Speaking up when I want to say something, not holding it back for fear of rejection.
- Doing something every day that I love to do, without worry about what other people might think.
- Removing obstacles that prevent me from being an authentic version of myself. Often these are people.
- Trying to let go of the constant desire for validation. Being comfortable with the notion of not being liked.
Most importantly: Understanding that this is a process. The onion has been layered thick. There have been many years of internal sculpting which need to be undone.
Being kind, patient and inquisitive has kept me going on the journey back to the real me.
I’ve recently taken a short break from writing in order to do some introspection and planning. This is my first article back and a bit of a change from my “usual programming.” I’d really appreciate your thoughts and feedback. Please email me, or pop in a response below.
As always, I appreciate you reading — I hope it added value to your day.
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