Bipolar

The Best Ways to Thrive in a Bipolar Relationship

Having a relationship with someone with a bipolar diagnosis can be a roller coaster ride. These tips will help you to thrive.

I love you. I hate you.

I want to be glued to you. Don’t touch me.

Please don’t ever leave me. I wish you’d go away.

Yep, I’m bipolar. Your first inclination might be to run hide, but I hope you’ll stay. I promise I’m not as scary as I might seem at first.

Relationships are hard, there’s no doubt about it. Being in a bipolar relationship is even harder but not impossible. Here are a few things you can do to improve your chances of a successful outcome.

For the purposes of this post, a bipolar relationship refers to any pairing where at least one of the parties has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

The struggle is real

Some months ago, a reader of my blog reached out to me regarding her bipolar relationship. She did not have a mental illness and had struggled through months of ups and downs with her partner’s bipolar. At the time of her writing, she felt like she had reached her breaking point and might have to walk away to save herself.

From her words, I could tell how heartbroken she was as she agonized over her decision. She described her ex as “the most fabulous man” and told me how much she loved him. Yet, she was exhausted and feared things wouldn’t improve.

As my heart went out to her, I realized there was some knowledge I could share. I’ve been in several bipolar relationships, and each one has taught me something of value.

Not a relationship guru

I’m not going to pretend I’m a relationship expert. My dating history looks very much like a hurricane’s aftermath. Most of my relationships have failed epically yet have also taught me exactly what doesn’t work. Hindsight shows me how things could have been better.

Fortunately, I am blessed to know several people who have successful relationships, and many of them have bipolar. One friend, in particular, has a wonderful husband who is very supportive and loving to her. He doesn’t understand mental illness, but he works hard with her to make their marriage a success.

There is hope. The following strategies can help make your relationship last.

Take time to talk

Several years ago I got engaged. Our relationship was less than ideal. Every few weeks or so, we were either getting back together or breaking up. That trend went on for years. I vacillated from loving her to hating her and back again.

Why she stuck with me as long as she did, I will never understand. My life skills for coping with mental illness were only starting to develop.

One of the biggest issues was my unwillingness to fully open up to her. I kept my scariest thoughts secret for fear they would break her. At the same time, I condemned her for loving me when she didn’t really know me.

She was in a no-win situation. In time, I found the strength to walk away for good.

people with bipolar frequently don’t want to talk

That experience taught me how vital the right kind of communication is to a relationship.

Unfortunately, people with bipolar frequently don’t want to talk. They may shut down and aggressively push the world away.

What can you do? First, try to be patient. Work to provide opportunities for open conversation, and when the words come, strive to listen without judgment.

This conversation can be painful and stressful to start, but try to push through. Learning to communicate well during the worst times will draw you much closer.

Be forgiving

With or without good communication, feelings are going to get hurt. It’s inevitable when someone has a mental illness. Heck, you can count on hurt feelings in any relationship. I wish I could sugarcoat the issue.

With bipolar involved, it’s even more likely. You might have the best treatment plan, but some bad days will still happen.

It’s vital then that you learn to forgive.

Bipolar tends to release a sort of beast into the world. There are times when things come out of my mouth, and I feel like a helpless observer. The words aren’t true and nothing close to what I really feel.

Forgiveness should go both ways

If you are the one with bipolar, it’s equally crucial that you learn to forgive.

Does your partner need a break from you? That usually doesn’t mean that they’ve stopped loving you. Every caretaker needs time for self-care, and let’s face it, to some extent, the person without bipolar usually becomes a caretaker.

Think how many times you’ve wished you could get out of your head. I would love that vacation. If you had the ability to get away, you would take the break too.

Your partner may say hurtful things to you, especially when you’re not at your best. Are those words something that will matter in 10 years? How about in 50 years? If they won’t matter then, try to let go of them today.

Forgiveness is contagious. If you can learn to be forgiving, your partner is bound to be more forgiving in return.

Who of us doesn’t need more forgiveness?

Try to ride the wave

Bipolar disorder is frequently affected by season changes. Some seasons are better and others much worse.

Historically, spring has always been my worst season. Some years, I also take a tumble off the sanity wagon around the end of the year as well. This is true from year to year and a topic I try to reveal early in the relationship.

Understanding that seasons can be vastly different again requires that you’re willing to be patient.

If the seas get rough, take time to evaluate the relationship before you walk away.

There are times it’s impossible to be rational with bipolar disorder. That makes it essential that our partners can be an anchor through those times.

Have things changed recently? Try to ride the wave for a few weeks or take a few days apart. Try to remember that no relationship is perfect. Even two people with perfect mental health are going to face bad stretches.

Hold on tight

Having a strong commitment increases the likelihood of having a successful relationship. Bipolar brings a lot of insecurities to the party. Knowing that your partner is not going anywhere can do a lot to keep the monsters at bay.

If you’re the one with the diagnosis, commitment is equally vital. On the good days, make sure that your partner knows that you are not going anywhere. Work hard to stay present in the relationship come what may.

Yes, I understand the compulsion to run. In the fight-or-flight struggle, bipolar loves to pick flight.

If there is good in your relationship, hold on to it. Promise to stick it out, and don’t let go.

Tomorrow will be different

Try to keep a positive mindset. The only constant in our world is the fact that things will change. Ironic, isn’t it?

Today might be a terrible day. It might be the worst day you have ever experienced as a couple. If you hold on, tomorrow may be different.

Today may be dark, but there’s a chance of sun tomorrow.

Keep a positive attitude, and look to the future with optimism. Today, you might see a Manic Monster before you, but tomorrow you may wake up to the person you fell in love with.

Keep hope in your heart no matter what.

Take care of yourself

Relationships have the best chance of success when the mental disorder is being properly treated. For the one with bipolar, this means making sure you are doing the right things. Take your meds every day, get adequate rest, eat well, and get some exercise.

Knowledge is power with any illness. Both the patient and their loved ones need to be properly informed about the mental illness condition.

I don’t like going to the doctor. Actually, I hate going to the doctor. I hate everything from waiting in uncomfortable chairs to having to tell the doctor the truth about how I’m really doing.

Medicine is the bane of my existence. Every time I have to put one of those pills in my mouth, it makes me angry. Yet, I continue to seek treatment and take my meds. I do it for those I love.

Proper health care is one of the most valuable things you can do to help strengthen your relationship. It shows your partner that you care about yourself enough to stay healthy. It also tells them that you care about them and want to keep the bad days away as much as possible.

Try to keep going

Not all relationships are worth saving. I hate to say that, but it’s true.

Only you can do an honest evaluation. No one else knows all the details of your relationship.

If you’ve been together for some time, then try to keep going. This might just be a bad spell. Things could improve again.

If the best thing is to part, that’s okay too. The world won’t end. Love will likely find you again.

All of my relationships have ended, but each one has made me better. Consider what you’ve learned and apply those lessons to your next relationship.

Love is possible, so don’t ever give up.

Until next time, keep fighting.

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