The Best Thing I Did for Myself Was to Allow My Ego To Die

The journey was not easy, but worth every pain I went through. It led me to a peaceful and blissful life.

I always wanted to die before my physical death.

Wait, what? What does it even mean?

Death is a scary word — the eventual future of everyone. We always associate the word ‘death’ with the physical body. But actual death also happens when the identity/ego dies while we remain alive.

The ego is the identity that we create to interact with society. Your name, sex, religion, region, position, relations, profession, hobbies, etc. are ego constructs.

It is not easy to let go of your identity. But blissful living happens when you are non-attached. Enjoying everything with no expectations or desires. You feel whole from within. The seeking of deriving satisfaction from external resources end.

The Life Incident That Proved ‘I’ Have Died Within Me

I am a 36-year-old unmarried female. Currently staying in a small village of Himachal Pradesh, India.

Rural people frown at unmarried females of this age. My parents lived in Delhi for over 4 decades. But they still are rustic in their heart.

My uncle’s latest visit triggered their latent emotions. Marriage is a sensitive topic. We avoid addressing it. But my uncle still discussed it.

Their daughter is also adamant about remaining unmarried. Both my uncle and aunt were channeling their frustration. Making me a scapegoat where their daughter avoids them.

Watching the drama unfolding, I was waiting for my father to roar and take the center stage. And he did not disappoint.

My father burst, pointing towards me, and said, “I can say in writing she would suffer a significant deal in her life. Right now she is giggling, but she has ruined her life. She thinks of us as clowns.

It was our foolishness to allow her to study till the zenith of her career. Look at XYZ he married her daughter after high school. But this well-educated girl has cut our nose in society.

We only know how we survived in Delhi from hand to mouth, but never let our children feel any brunt. We struggled for them. But, she never she thought of providing some happiness to us.”

My mother tried to intervene. But I held her back. I wanted him to speak and scream as much as he wants. The situation was tense. Everybody yelled.

But within me, no motions arose. It was nothing. Nada!

I was extremely conscious of my reactions and searching for any fluctuations within. But my heart was as calm as a silent lake. Only bursts of laughers spread through me.

Not so long back, I feared my father’s aggressive and violent behavior. But this time compassion arose from my every pore.

He was trying to invoke my guilt, sadness, anger. But nobody can trigger anything when you are detached from it. Have I been attached to my identity, my education, sex, or opinions, it would have infuriated me to no extent.

Neutrality helps to see the situation as it is. With no turmoil inside, you experience life as it is. A blissful one.

Outside situations can no longer control my reactions. Because there is no ‘me’ to evoke. I am free.

It Was a Replay of the Exact Situation That Happened 4 Years Back — My Reactions to Both Were the Polar Opposite

The same scenario happened 4 years back. The frustration, anger, disappointments, guilt flooded me. I went into depression for months.

At that time, I wanted to marry a Muslim guy named Fauzi. My fanatic father was dead against it. Sadly, Fauzi passed away a few months back because of COVID.

I didn’t feel to share this news with my father. Fauzi was already as good as dead to him. Last time, I had Fauzi to share my agony, sadness, guilt, and anger. I cried endlessly for days. Puffed eyes, lost appetite, and smile made me wonder about the hardships of my life.

But this time, no emotions arose. My heart oozed compassion. I could clearly see the origin of his anger. Entrapped by rigid beliefs, he cannot see the truth.

It is good he vomited anger and frustration. Suppressed emotions play havoc with the mind and body. Releasing them is a cleansing process. My love for him can not stop his purging.

And for me, this mysterious replay of events showed a tremendous difference in me. The same incident traumatized me years back. Now, here is only joy.

The reality of life is not taking sides. But staying with whatever is. Life is right now and here.

Be a Master of Your Mind and Not Its Victim

Unconscious living focuses on fulfillment from the outside. Conscious living focuses and questions self. Nobody can make you suffer, but only you have that special privilege. Most suffering in people’s life is self-made. The root cause lies within.

My father’s expectations, desires, and guilt torment him. His resistance towards life is causing suffering. If he accepts my non-marital status, his pain will dissolve instantly.

But the mind is clever to keep him occupied. What(s), why(s), how(s) will hijack him. To avoid the snowballing of emotions, he suppresses them. This suppression stops his expressions. Whereas expression heals intrinsically.

Only a few true courageous people see the depths of their suffering. The pain that comes with it actually frees them.

My journey of acceptance was not an overnight journey. It came with many highs and lows. Resistance and acceptance played a see-saw.

The pain obviously arises, because it is there inside. You can not ignore it. But once you accept and let go of pain, you become truly free. Nothing touches you. Bliss remains unflinching.

When I accepted it wholeheartedly, I became free from my fears, pain, frustrations. It happened by being 100% authentic with myself.

The Door to Freedom Is in Conscious Living

Circumstances change. Nothing lasts forever — health, relations, struggles. Nobody can control what is outside of them. The power lies within.

I can not change my father’s reactions or emotions. All I can do is to be conscious of my reactions and be at peace. My peace may direct him towards tranquillity.

When the volatile incident passed, I was cheerful in my interactions with him. No resistance was there. It was just another day of joy, with no regrets. Whatever he said was in the past. Life right now flowing is always at peace. No mind stories can match up the truth of life.

Awareness helps to see the mind’s limitations. Conscious living breaks the pattern of the auto mode of life. Instead of questioning other people, you question and dive within.

Why did I react in a certain way? Was there anything else I could have said or did? How can I modify my reactions? Why do I feel anger at such a tiny thing? Is it my expectation? Why do I have hopes from them(a specific person)?

Authentic introspection leads to freedom. Osho has compiled it beautifully,

The society needs you as an ego, not as a Self. The Self is irrelevant for the society. The ego can be taught, made docile and can be forced to be obedient. The ego can be made to adjust, but not the Self. The Self is intrinsically rebellious, individual.

The society is interested in your ego. So it helps to strengthen the ego. The more you grow, the more you become social, civilized, the more polished an ego you have. Then you function from the ego, because you are not aware of it at all.

So your essence goes on into the unconscious, into inner darkness, and a false social construct — the ego — becomes your center. Now you identify yourself with your ego — with your name, education, family, religion, country. These are all just part of your ego, not of your Self, because the Self doesn’t belong to your parents, your country, any religion, the Self doesn’t even belong to your self. ItIf doesn’t belong!

The Self is a freedom. It is total freedom! It doesn’t belong to anything else, it doesn’t depend on anything else. It is!

Takeaways

In the deep trenches of life, ego is deeply ingrained. Many consider it normal. In fact, the mind tries to preserve it by creating a myriad of stories around it. But the reality is beyond any stories and projections. If sufferings are within, then the gate to freedom also lies within.

Be courageous enough to watch your dense emotions. They poke you because they want to get released. Free them and yourself. Life is a blessing to live.

Be free from the clutches of outside situations. Look for the barriers within. Break free of the patterns that make you think or believe in anything. Only then you can experience the eternal truth.

Death of ego takes time, persistence, and practice. Rarely a person reaches a stage where they want to go beyond their identities. Fear binds them. But going beyond it is the only solution to a blissful and free life.

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