RELATIONSHIPS | LOVE | ASTROLOGY

The Best Kind of Sex is Holy Sex

Why would I settle for anything less?

“I’m seeing a very strong Jupiter-Venus connection.”

My friend spouted these words as we sat together in her sunroom. The dwindling late afternoon sunlight filtered in through sheer curtains and washed the room in a soft glow.

This warm and welcoming spot has quickly become her go-to place to practice Astrology. She’s learning to read natal birth charts, which are circular charts showing the planets’ locations and their relationships to each other at the time of our birth. She’d already mentioned a few other aspects she saw in mine and I felt amazed by how many of them aligned with me and my life.

Sure, my friend knows me and one may say she drew upon that knowledge when she studied my chart. But she doesn’t know everything about me.

Before her Jupiter-Venus remark, she noted that Mercury — the planet of communication — is so close to my Sun that it’s overpowered by it. This can play out by a person feeling tongue-tied when speaking yet they are able to express themselves well in writing — especially if the writing is done in secret, like in a journal or in my case under a pen name.

Quite fitting for me, right? My friend has no idea I write in a pen name.

She remained quiet for a few moments as she pondered my Jupiter-Venus connection. She knows I’m single and that I’d like to be in a relationship. She knows I’m looking for love. She then glanced up at me and asked, “Are you looking for big love?”

“Why yes,” I replied. “Yes, I’m looking for big love. Aren’t we all?”

By the expression on my friend’s face I could tell the answer to this question was no.

And because the sun is blocking my Mercury I couldn’t quite put into words what I wanted to say next about this at that moment. But as I sit here now with my laptop perched on my thighs, the words are pouring out.

My Jupiter-Venus connection is spot on. I’m not just looking for love. I’m looking for big love. And I’m not just looking for regular sex in this big love relationship.

I’m looking for holy sex.

See, through my illustrious post-divorce dating experience I’ve learned about the joys of sex. I’ve learned that I’m quite fuckable, which is a relief after being in a sexless marriage for so many years. It’s validating to know I’m touchable and desirable.

The other thing I’ve learned from these experiences is that jumping in the sack with someone may be a ton of fun initially but ultimately it leaves me empty and wanting more — and I don’t mean wanting more sex.

Don’t get me wrong. I want that too. I’m a touchy-feely person. I like the sensation of a man’s skin on mine.

But every time the skin-on-skin part ends with a man I’m getting to know the whole encounter feels a bit meaningless. And I’ve realized I need sex to mean something.

For it to be meaningful, I need to know a man’s mind and soul not just his body and I need him to feel the same way about me. That’s what true intimacy is. It’s not just having sex. It’s knowing and loving someone deeply and then having sex with them. This intimate knowledge of someone’s mind, body, and soul elevates sex to a whole new level. It connects us to something greater than ourselves.

It connects us to the Divine.

And in that way, sex becomes a spiritual experience. It becomes a holy experience.

Holy sex is about mutual giving and receiving. Holy sex is a present-moment thing. It’s a mind-body-heart-soul-Divine connection thing. It’s about reaching a place where two feel as one. It’s a mix of both that primal feeling of life-producing sex and end-of-life heavenly bliss.

So I’m looking for big love with someone where together we experience the intimate, knowable part of being with each other, not just the fuckable part.

In her song “Fuck and Run”, Liz Phair hits on this idea. Her lyrics describe a longing for ‘the kind of guy who makes love cuz he’s in it’. Like me, she’s looking for meaningful sex.

To have this kind of sex, one has to feel completely open and accepted by the other. One has to be vulnerable. I know my ex struggled with vulnerability and I wonder sometimes if the lack of sex in our marriage stemmed from his inability to open up fully in this way. Maybe the kind of sex I needed — big, holy sex — was too much for him. It felt too vulnerable. And if I think about it that way, I understand it better. Being that open with another human can seem scary.

But it’s also the only way to have deep, meaningful, and holy sex.

Are the big love and holy sex I’m looking for impossible to find? Maybe.

But then again, maybe not because there was one time when I experienced this kind of sex. In the back seat of a Jeep in the parking lot of a strip mall I made love with a man and felt a bliss I’d never known before and haven’t quite experienced since.

So I know it’s possible. It’s written in the stars for me after all.

When I find it again though I’d like it to be within the framework of a committed relationship.

And hopefully this time, we’ll have the luxury of a large bed.

kasey sparks, © 2023

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