LOVE, LIFE LESSONS

What My Back Seat Lover Taught Me

Ignorance isn’t always bliss.

Sometimes ignorance can be bliss.

If I don’t turn on the news, I’ll never get caught up in all the crazy stuff going on in Washington or the plight of the polar bears. I’m not saying it’s right. I’m just saying not knowing certain things helps to relieve stress and worry and keeps me blissfully ignorant.

But when it comes to sex, ignorance isn’t always bliss. Sometimes what you don’t know can hurt you. I gained a lot of knowledge from the affair I had with my back seat lover.

If I ever write a book about it, I’d have to call it The Sex Education of Kasey Sparks. Oh la la, the things I learned.

Yeah, I know it was wrong for this to happen from an affair and not within my marriage. A few people have asked me why I didn’t separate from my husband first. To this, I can only say that leaving was an extremely difficult decision to make.

The idea of being divorced and how this would affect my kids, friends, and extended family was just something I couldn’t wrap my head around.

I knew something was missing in my marriage. I knew things weren't good, but I kept thinking that everyone has challenges in their marriage, right? So I kept trying to focus on the positive. I had a roof over my head and food on the table. I should be thankful for that.

Up until my affair, I’d only ever had sex with my ex. And when it started, I suddenly realized what I’d been missing. Ignorance in this case was not bliss.

Ignorance had me feeling undesirable and unlovable. Ignorance had me craving touch and affection. Ignorance had me feeling that surely something was wrong with me. And ignorance had me putting all the blame on myself.

Little did I know that when it comes to sex, knowledge is power.

All you need is love

Who knew sex could be blissful? Not me. I’d never experienced this before.

And who knew that some of the most blissful sex in my life would happen in the backseat of a Jeep in the parking lot of a strip mall?

Certainly not me.

I remember thinking if a police officer shined his flashlight in the car and busted us I would have told him if everyone in the world experienced what I just experienced there would be no war.

Those hippies from the ’60s were onto something with their slogan “Make Love Not War”. Now it all made sense to me. We still may have been busted, but my declaration would still be true. All we need is love.

Bodies are a wonderland

My ex wasn’t much into bodies and touching. Sex usually started with touching the pink parts. There was no real build-up and we rarely ever kissed. But I craved affection so much that I was grateful for any kind of touch.

The divide between us in this area became very apparent to me during a session with our therapist. When the subject of sex came up, I blurted out “I just want his skin.”

Our therapist nodded and smiled. I knew he got what I was saying. But the expression on my ex’s face told a different story. The look of shock and horror on his face sent a shiver of shame up my spine.

Clearly, we weren’t on the same page.

But like my therapist, my back seat lover got it. He knew there’s so much more to sex than the pink parts. Our bodies are a wonderland. Exploring and touching the skin we’re in can be playful and fun.

Foreplay is the perfect word for it. When done well, is just that. For play.

Sexual healing

After years of feeling undesirable, it was healing for me to learn that my back seat lover found me desirable and took pleasure in pleasing me.

It was clear from the first time we were together that he wanted me to feel good. He asked questions and paid attention to the answers. He watched my expressions and the signals my body gave.

Because of this, I felt comfortable opening up to him and telling him what felt good to me. And in turn, I wanted to please him as well. I wanted to know and do what made him feel good.

It was healing to learn how pleasurable the experience could be for both of us.

Get down, make love

One of the things that hurt the most in my marriage was that my ex always seemed more interested in what was on TV than communicating with me much less having sex. It’s hard when other things seemed more important than the person sitting right next to him.

I remember one time I headed for bed and asked with a wink if he was coming up soon. He said he wanted to finish watching SNL and would be up in a bit.

Since it was almost over, I went upstairs and got naked in bed, waiting to surprise him when he hopped in. But instead, I sat there waiting and waiting. The show had ended and he wasn’t coming upstairs.

So I went down to see him completely naked and propositioned him. He looked at me and said, “Geez, Kasey. I’ll be up in a bit.”

Not at all the response I was hoping for.

I’m fairly certain that if I’d done that with my back seat lover, we wouldn’t have made it to the bedroom. We’d have gotten down and made love right there on the living room floor. We’d have ended up with rug rash in some very interesting places.

The sweetest taboo

After spending time with my back seat lover, what finally dawned on me is that there’s a difference between making love and having sex.

Making love is about having an amazing experience with your partner. It’s about playfulness and mutual pleasure. It’s about communicating and attending to our partner's needs.

My marriage had none of these things.

For 25 years, I'd been having sex not making love. And once I felt the difference between the two, I knew I could no longer be in a relationship without it.

Because in its essence, the difference is love.

My back seat lover was the sweetest taboo that brought about a sorrowful awakening. My marriage was missing love. And although I regret that it took an affair for this learning to happen, without the contrast of how different it could feel, I’m uncertain how else I could’ve figured it out.

What I know for sure is that my ignorance in this area was never going to bring me bliss. And I’m grateful for this knowledge because when I try at love again, I think I’ll be able to make a better choice.

Because now I know the difference.

I can feel the difference.

I’ll know if love is there.

Kasey Sparks, © 2021