The “Autistic Divide”
If we share a common goal, why is there so much conflict?
Permit me a bit of a rant to mark the midway point of Autism Acceptance Month.
Some claim that Actually Autistic advocates are “causing a divide” in the Autistic community, particularly between Neurotypical (NT) parents of Autistic children and Autistic adults.
No.
Autistic people are finally saying enough speaking for us, about us, and over us.
A person — or people — from a marginalized and oppressed group finally setting boundaries and standing up for themselves only creates a divide between those who want to lift our voices and those who want us to remain silenced.
Saying “this is harmful to us, and here’s why…” is only creating a divide between ourselves and those who don’t actually care about our lived experiences.
Those who would prefer to centre themselves as the poor put-upon parents of disabled children, claiming they must speak for their child because they cannot speak for themselves, rather than finding ways to let their child’s voice be heard.
“Parents of disabled children often centre stories about disability on the burdens of care… their perspective has often been the only one included in public discussions of disability, standing in the place of the voices of disabled people themselves.” — Jennifer Natalya Fink
People in positions of power don’t like it when marginalized people start to push back because it threatens the existing social structure and that threatens their privilege.
If an NT parent of an Autistic child is listening to Actually Autistic adults, learning from our experiences and what we are willing to share, there is no divide because we share a common goal: making life better for all Autistic people, and making space for all of us to be heard.
I had an “autism mom” tell me that I was trying to make people feel bad when I explained the connections between the puzzle piece, certain harmful organizations, and eugenics.
It was my fault because I was trying to make people feel bad … by stating facts …
That’s not how facts work.
If facts make you feel bad, that’s a you problem, not a me problem, and a good indication one should re-evaluate some choices. Accurate information can only help you make better decisions if you let it.
I get it. It would be devastating to be told what you’ve been doing for your child, at the direction of professionals and “experts”, is actually harmful when you wanted it to be helpful.
When think we’re doing the absolute best for our child and find out we made some wrong choices, it breaks our hearts.
Parental guilt is huge, and it’s only made worse by an ableist system that tries to convince us the only way for our children to lead meaningful, productive lives is to try to mold them into someone they’re not, no matter the cost to the child.
Is it really in an Autistic child’s best interests to be forced toward a goal of seeming as neurotypical as possible?
“It’s highly profitable… reduce the ‘normal child’ to a standardised product, one whose parameters are regularly redesigned to fit the needs of the state and the labour market.” — Mitzi Waltz
This is not the Autistic community’s fault, though. We’re fighting against this oppressive system harder than anyone else.
The only divide is between those who want to lift our voices and those who want us to remain silenced.
I’m a parent. I understand, we all do things that inadvertently harm our children when we were trying to do right by them. Many times I’ve found myself digging in my heels over something that was more about my own ego than it was about my child.
At the end of the day, you can decide “they’re being jerks” and ignore us, but at what cost? Who suffers most if you refuse to hear our stories?
We’re not perfect, we’re all doing the best we can with the information and resources we have available at the time.
“Therein lies the rub.” — Hamlet
Know better, do better
When we are offered information that is hard to hear, that hurts us, it’s not the fault of the messenger. If we turn our backs on the opportunity to learn and better educate ourselves, then we are at fault for refusing to listen; for letting our pride supersede what’s best for our children.
NT parents of Autistic children: consider the possibility that when an Actually Autistic person tell you that ABA is harmful or the puzzle piece has its roots in eugenics, they’re not trying to “attack” you. They’re trying to prevent your child and other Autistic children from going through what they have.
“Focusing on fixing, curing, or otherwise erasing disability is too often the only place the particularities of disabled bodyminds appear — ironically, in order to be disappeared.” — Jennifer Natalya Fink
We’re trying our hardest to get the information out there, and are faced with backlash every single day, yet continue to do it in the hopes that someone will listen.
So, please. Listen.
© Jillian Enright, Neurodiversity MB
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References
Fink, J. N. (2022). All Our Families: Disability lineage and the future of kinship. Beacon Press.
Waltz, M. (2020). The production of the ‘normal’ child: Neurodiversity and the commodification of parenting. In Bertilsdotter Rosqvist, H., Chown, N., & Stenning, A. (Eds). Neurodiversity Studies: A new critical paradigm. Routledge.
