Sartorial Splendor It Ain’t
The Art Of The Fashion Foul
Once every fifty years or so, I take a look back on what dictates fashion. What works and what doesn’t. I ask the question. Does fashion follow life? Or is it the other way around?
Bill Blass gave us the blazer. Calvin Klein, the jeans. Halston, the cologne. Coco Chanel, the goddess of style, dressed us to the nines. We are forever grateful to these visionaries.
On the other hand, the following takes on fashion didn’t quite make the cut. Yes, these looks will live forever, even if they aren’t quite ready for prime time.
Let’s go in for a closer look.
The Fanny Pack
What’s wrong with a little bit around your waist? Keys, wallets, and glasses are all safe and sound. To the guffaws of fashionistas, sporting a fanny pack subtracts style points. No matter, there are fanny packs galore. You can choose from sizes, materials, and colors to make your statement. This on-the-body organizer is here to stay. Keep your chin up man, you look real good today.
Wing Tips, Over The Calf Socks, Plaid Shorts, And A Tucked In Polo
If you are looking to be 100 percent comfy while taking the Buick (brown) to the car wash on Saturday morning, this is how you dress. Yes, people will marvel over the impact of this look. You have managed to combine the classic with the sublime and pulled it off. You control the blend of colors. Those wingtips couldn’t be more appropriate, and those black stockings pull it all together and push the look over the top.
Untucked Button Down Oxford Dress Shirt, Bermuda Shorts, And Penny Loafers- No Socks
You have had a long day at the office. The spouse needs a couple of items from the grocery store. You’ll be back in a flash. Lose the suit, the shirt still looks pressed since you sat at a desk all day, slip back into the loafers still at the door, and off you go. You never looked better while tracking down a pound of angel hair and some unsalted butter. This look portrays a man in a hurry. Depending on the weather, you may opt for the tube-style down jacket in red or blue.
Black Socks, Running Shoes, And Shorts
C’mon man, everyone knows you need white socks to look like you know what you are doing. Yes, there are lots of hi-tech running socks on the market, and in a multitude of colors. White socks and tennies have been with us since the fifties at least. Why change it now? Is nothing sacred? This look works well if you are a genius or something, and in a job where fashion is not expected. If you are the average guy walking around, do yourself a favor, go with white socks. And tie your shoes before you trip.
The Short Tie
You would think this look would have been eradicated by now, not so fast my friend. The short tie lives on and is close pals with the white short sleeve shirt and pocket liner. If you just don’t care, or never learned to tie the four in hand properly, this look is your destiny. Extra points for a striped or plaid shirt with a patterned tie. The contrast is hard on the eye. If you own this look, you don’t even notice.
The Ill-Fitting Rumpled Brown Corduroy Jacket
This look has fuzzy studies written all over it. It’s a softer look to be sure. Comfortable, warm, and wears like iron. Get those elbow patches going for year thirteen. You know, ripe after more than a decade sitting at a computer. Rarely seen in the wild anymore, this look is still around. Your best chance for a close-up view of this marvel is in line at the Thai restaurant, just around the corner from the campus.
Clashing Plaids
Hey! Where did you get those plaid pants anyway? Who let you out of the house with that plaid shirt? And those sandals? Geez! Plaid pants with a solid shirt, and you are in business. Solid pants with a plaid shirt, and you’re dressed to meet the Pope. But top to bottom plaid is just plain hard on the eye. Even if chicks dig the look.
The Backwards Baseball Hat
This look is the exclusive property of the NFL quarterback just a week into his first job. It says I am open to suggestions, moldable, and since I have no experience, I am not sure what to do. Yet, my backward hat says I am all yours, ready to do whatever it takes. I will wear it frontwards once I get a grip. For now, I am trying to fit in.
Spy Trench Coat and Shorts Look
It’s the oldest trick in the book if you are in the spy game. Keep your eye peeled next time you are at the airport in Florida, The airline lost Larry’s luggage, and now he is in Tampa — his suitcase is in Omaha. It’ll be a couple of days. You have shorts, a New York Jets tee shirt, and your Burberry. Carry the coat since you don’t have to wrestle with a suitcase that had no chance in the overhead bin anyway. Maybe there is a Macy’s near the hotel. Your luggage will arrive the day you leave. That’s just how it works, Larry.
Last Year’s Jersey At This Year’s Game
Hard-core fans will not put up with this. Face it, last year’s running back, number 29, was traded to Denver for a player to be named later and cash. Do you still have that jersey? Do you think you can just waltz in and plop it down in section 245, seat 12, and everyone will be okay with that? Yeah, I don’t think so. Wearing the jersey of last year’s running back is detestable. It’s a throwback you say? No, it is you being cheap, and you not supporting this year’s running back. Stop and think for a minute how this year’s running back feels when he looks in the stands and sees last year’s running back’s jersey? Running backs are sensitive. You could have hurt his feelings.
Well, that’s my take on not-ready for prime time sartorial splendor. Look for the next installment in the series- Diners who shoulda wore a bib.
C’mon, Man!
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Douglas Pilarski is an award-winning writer & journalist based on the west coast. He writes about luxury goods, exotic cars, horology, tech, food, lifestyle, and workplace issues!
You’re welcome to share your thoughts or tell me your story. Email me here. [email protected]
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