Online Dating — How to create
The art of simulated hope — IV
Part IV
Six months later after six months break…mid 2019
The best way to brief you on the next six months:
“Nothing is lost, nothing is created, everything is transformed” (Antoine Lavoisier)
I had met a guy early 2019 right at the same time all my online dating sites memberships were ending. Hip, Hip, Hooray? Not quite.
Unfortunately, I was flushed on Valentine’s Day (yep, I know, perfect timing right…lol) without any warnings and voilà!
But, don’t judge me or ask me why, we remained friends. Once our tag was gone, we enjoyed each other’s company, being two music lovers, we had a lot of interesting conversations and exchanges.
We talked to each other every day and wished each other good night after long talking and laughing sessions. Honestly, I cannot say that it was not nice to have someone to say good night every night and hear his comforting voice just before falling asleep.
But, like Albert Einstein stated, everything is relative, known as the theory of relativity.
Seldom know that the theory of relativity comprises two interrelated theories:
Special relativity and General relativity.
So yeah we mingled, I was attracted, he was attracted but did not want to commit, in fact, and he was wise enough to have defined his life around his entire teaching guitar schedule to make sure he had no life. Hence, he even portrayed himself as a victim which could not have a steady relationship or any possible commitment with nobody due to his work. Just plain hang outs.
Yeah, I know, I was a fool, but hey, I can blame Special relativity for my actions.
So between March and end of May, we talked, we dined, we laughed, we listened to music, we walked and we continued to wish each other good night every night. He was a hell of a great guitar player.
End of May 2019, one week before his 50th birthday, he called, telling me he had something to tell me. I was in a public place, a lot of noise and so he said, maybe it is not the right time. I answered back, let me guess, you met someone? And boom, I got my answer! From that day I baptized him ‘Silent Guitar’.
Yeah all winter I thought he was not consistent at all and always contradicting himself on his stories.
Well, yeah apparently, it was over a year he had an eye on one of his colleagues who apparently works as many hours as he does and has three younger kids.
He was blabbing since I had met him that he had regained his freedom since he had left his wife five years ago and now that both his kids were adults he lived to be free by his own rules.
Strike 1 of Mr. Inconsistent! It was one of his first questions, if I had kids or even wanted to have kids. He had also mentioned, during wintertime, that he would never go out with any of his colleagues. Strike 2 of Mr. Inconsistent! Claimed he wanted to go out with an independent woman whom he did not have to take care of and go back to a family life. Strike 3 of Mr. Inconsistent!
Yeah, I know, I was a fool, but hey, I can blame General relativity for thinking: This guy always contradicts himself, but hey he is a good guy.
That second blow was hard on me. Early 2019, I had taken my courage with both hands, turned my brain to off to be able to thrust this new comer. But I was fooled again.
‘Silent Guitar’ was a complete illogical enigma to me, but for his precious time he gave me, through the first half of 2018, resulted nice friendly conversations.
Yeah, I know, I may be a fool, but hey, universal relativity reminds me we all have crap to live through and we all develop our own ways to survive.
I miss having a comforting voice at night that wishes me good night. A voice in the morning, reaching out to wish me good day.
I still choose to not become bitter, since I have 50% of my actions to blame on these outcomes. I just do not understand how someone can be such a hypocrite on a friendship level. In my head, you are either a friend or you are not. Who goes around pretending they are your friend, after exchanging so many personal deep late night conversations?
My IRL (in real life) adventure, for the past six months, with the Meet-up site was another complete flop. I was kicked out of one group by the woman in charge because I refused to go to a supper meeting where two guys had asked to meet me that same night. She had planned it all behind my back.
I only found out because I cancelled the upcoming supper because of Mr. Inconsistent flushing me on Valentine’s Day. The following week, I was pretty down and did not feel like socializing. She came out really mad telling me her famous double blind date waiting for me that she had planned had taken her hours to plan.
Wow, here I really have to thank Mr. Inconsistent for flushing me out and saving me from that weird night.
One of the guys dying to meet me that night was a researcher that I had last seen like 25 years ago when I was defending my master’s thesis…. yuk… who knows how many creepy guys we meet in a lifetime….lol…
When I told the story to Mr. Inconsistent, he said, and I quote:
‘I don’t know a lot of girls who would have refused to go out and meet two guys that are interested in her.’
Double wow, I answered:
‘Please don’t put me in the same basket as all the girls you know.’
My IRL meetups ended there for several months. When Mr. Inconsistent, flushed my friendship in end of May 2019, I decided I have to force myself and try to rebuild a social life through real activities and friends. So I have organized a group on Meetup to socialize through art, museums, concerts, movies, restaurants and pubs. We were twenty, but unfortunately, only three guys.
When I had set the group description, I had defined the age range between 40 and 60 for active (urban and nature hiking), loving culture of all kinds (live music, cinema, museum, etc.), group dinner (restaurant / bistro) individuals. I also specified that it was not a women’s group that I wanted an equal parity in this group.
I started this group because following my separation in 2017 and my return to Quebec City, I realized that all my friends have their own routine and are not very available for activities. Living alone and being self-employed, I needed to re-form a group of friends to re-socialize while allowing me to meet interesting and passionate people like me.
I assigned to one of the three guys the co-direction to the group to help me define activities that would also please the guys. Yeah I am a real equal gender chic. But hey the guy is a mute. No sign or responses from his side even if he is in the group.
First Meetup, was set on a mid-June weekend in 2019, to go see in a group the Miro exposition at the Quebec Museum of Art. Miró in Mallorca: A Free Spirit.
I thought would be the perfect way for the group to break the ice and meet. Then go for a walk and end up in bistro eating and discussing the exposition.
It was postponed to end of July, because the day before, there was only two members and myself. I thought it was pathetic and called it off by postponing it.
So quite a lot of deceptions still in the first six months of 2019 on the socializing front. But I refused to become an emotionless robot.
I wanted to thrive as a cheerful and positive girl and regain a healthy and happy social life.
Finally, I did go back on a new online dating site in the fall of 2019. I did meet and go out with very nice guy. But everything ended so abruptly once I got out of town for a two-week consulting contract.
Through a Messenger exchange, I misunderstood one of his messages, and my answer was interpreted as a mean insult. Which I swear was not. I was never given a chance to explain. All our means of communication, email, cell and Messenger was blocked at that fatal instant of miscommunication.
This last guy really shoved me back in darkness for a whole month in the end of 2019. I spitted out my pain through several darker writings:
And so, my online dating experience ended here.
This life experience has transformed me to a point that I need to rebuild my antennas of thrust. But I know it will be hard though, it seems like people are getting used to their loneliness and that scares me a lot. I hope I can rebuild my social life soon, with a group of people enjoying each other’s company.
To be with a real man, not a coward, man enough to show me his feelings and win over my heart. An uncomplicated relationship where we can both be friends, soulmates and lovers.
Yes, I want the all-inclusive of Albert Einstein’s theory of relativity; i.e. I wish for a unified special and universal relativity.
Now within the social distancing era what will happen with these online dating sites? I wonder.
Francine Fallara 2020
Sean Youra, I discovered your article ‘Is Online Dating Bad for Our Mental Health?’ and it inspired me to share my pending ‘The art of simulated hope’ series.
If you stumbled on IV missing I, II and III
Thanks for reading!
