The Art Of Not Comparing Yourself With Others

Easier Said Than Done Series #2

I can’t count the number of listicles about how to live a happier or more productive I have read here on Medium. Almost all include “Stop comparing yourself to others”

Every time I think:

Do you think, I do it for fun? Don’t you think I would stop right now if it was so simple?

I am not at the end of this journey, but improve tremendously over the past year. Probably I will never be fully free of comparison, but it won’t be a daily companion ever again.

This whole series is about issues that don’t have a quick fix. It requires working on and with yourself on a deeper level. Yet, I hope that I can provide appropriate actions to take, to take small steps in the right direction.

The first part was about overthinking. Please check it out, if you have not done so.

Thank you to Christina, who is the source of inspiration for this series. I love to think about these topics on a deeper level so far. Also, I am getting to know myself better as well.

Comparison wears many different hats. It starts with obvious thoughts like “I wish I had her flat belly” or “My car looks old and used next to his BMW”.

But there are more subtle forms as well.

• Feeling annoyed when somebody shares a success instead of celebrating with this person
• Anxiety or having FOMO after spending time on social media
• Deleting a post on social media because it didn’t get as many likes as you want

All this is comparison, even if we might not actively name or observe it.

In the end, it leads to sadness, loneliness, dissatisfaction, anxiety, and lower self-esteem.

At the same time, a big source of starting to compare oneself to somebody else also is low-self esteem. From this perspective, it is a vicious circle.

Most of the time we are hoping for confirmation from outside. We see how others get that for attributes we wished we had. This way, we give others the power to decide our values.

As Emma Watson said:

“I don’t want other people to decide what I am. I want to decide that for myself.”

When I engaged with this topic, I noticed how many different options there are to help yourself. Again, no quick fixes, but you can choose your way to deal with it.

Take what helps you and leave the rest!

Be aware of your triggers and avoid them

I can’t deal with all triggers at the same time. Finding the roots, and healing myself, takes time and energy. I can’t do that all at once.

That is why I decided to quit IG and delete my account. I couldn’t handle these pictures of people having the time of their life. I was constantly making myself feel bad and left behind for many different reasons.

Social media can be a wonderful place to connect and share your story with the world. I hope that someday, I will be ready to deal with the disadvantages, to use the positive sides for me.

Until then, I have to do without it. For my well-being.

Do what you need to do, to avoid the triggers that you can’t work on overcoming at the moment.

Limit your social media consumption

For most of us, this goes hand in hand with the first point. Social media is one of the easiest ways to slip into comparison thoughts.

There are only beautiful photos and great experiences on these platforms.

When you go outside and see the people around you, the reality is different. People have different shapes and wear different clothes. Exceedingly few look like supermodels in their daily lives.

Do yourself a favour and set clear boundaries on how much you want to use social media!

Practice gratitude for what you have and appreciate your strengths

When we compare ourselves, we focus on what we do not have or which characteristics we don’t embody.

Gratitude journaling is one of the fastest and easiest practices to get out of this mind spiral.

Write down 10 to 20 things you are grateful for in this very moment. Or search for 5–10 of your strengths. Don’t forget to feel gratitude.

Look behind the shell and see where others are coming from

I can’t be happy for other people, whenever I feel like their success has been pure luck.

Fortunately, this is not true for 99.9% of the cases. When I start to dig a little deeper, I find out about the struggles they have been through. There is evidence of hard work, dedication, and sacrifice.

Instead of envying them, it quickly turns into appreciation and respect. Their story often gives me lessons.

I understand why I might not have what they have. Also I notice that I would not be willing to sacrifice certain things to have these achievements. Instead of feeling bad, I can tuck into reassurance of my own life choices.

Create the life that you want, not the one that society tells you to perceive

Especially over the last year, I took small steps to make my lifestyle more authentic. No major career changes or moving abroad.

I started to take more time for hobbies, which I enjoy. I said goodbye to nights out and embraced my nature of getting up early in the morning. Additionally, I cancelled all streaming services because I don’t like to watch movies (on my own).

When I hear my friends talking about going to discos or when I see pictures of these events, I am not anxious anymore. I know that it is not my type of fun.

Whenever I spend time with activities that are valuable to me, I couldn’t care less about what other people do. Whenever I know that I am living the best version of my self, I don’t need to look at what other people do.

Know that it is not the end of the movie

You are not happy with your life today? That is okay.

I like many aspects of my life. Still, I am always trying to come a little closer to my dream version.

Wherever you are right now, let me tell you this one thing: This is not the end! You are still breathing! You still have time to turn this ship around.

Take a deep breath and take one small action right now! Something small that makes your life better. This is how you start! No need to know more than the next step. You can figure out the rest while you are on your way.

Water your grass and tell a better story

You probably know this story, but read it again anyway:

An old grandfather was teaching his grandson about life:

“A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil–he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”

He continued, “The other is good — he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you–and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf will win?”

The grandfather simply replied, “The one you feed.”

But if you feed them right, they both win and so do you.

You see both have good qualities. The black wolf has many qualities that we need, tenacity, courage, strong-willed, and great strategic thinking. These are things the white wolf lacks.

We all have strengths and weaknesses. We all get to decide how we talk to ourselves.

Be kind to yourself! Feed yourself with love!

Work on accepting, forgiving, and loving your past

It is so easy to judge your past about all the wrong decisions you made. You could hate yourself all day long for all your faults.

You should work on doing the exact opposite.

The past is the past.

Nobody will ever have the power to change what already happened.

Become friends with your past self. You made every decision as good as you could back then.

Forgiving is a superpower. When you forgive yourself, you set yourself free to make new choices. Instead of being busy dwelling on your past, you have free mental and emotional capacity to create a better future.

Heal the wounds of your inner child that doesn’t feel good enough

As a child, we were hurt in one way or another. Until this current day, we have this little girl or boy inside us with its unhealed wounds.

Now in our adult lives, when we are attacked, this little kid becomes active. Suddenly, we forget that we are grown up. Instead, we fall back on our behaviors as children to deal with this situation.

When have overcome this, when we go back and heal the wounds of our inner child.

When we give it the love, forgiveness, understanding, attention, or anything else it needs, we can learn to handle critical situations as grown-ups.

Especially meditation, journaling, and working with a coach can be powerful tools to engage in this difficult but important task.

Investigate the source of your comparison

I am the youngest of three sisters. Already as a child, I tried to keep up with them. They are three and six years older than I am. Well, I never had a chance.

I know this fact has shaped me a lot. It is one of the main reasons, why I always look at other people to see how I am doing.

Until today, I don’t compare myself with my peers. Instead, I still look at others who are a few years older than me. While comparison itself is bad, they furthermore have an age advantage. No wonder I always end up feeling bad and behind in life.

Since I understood this connection, I can be more gentle with myself and with my choice. When I notice in which sense they are a step ahead, I consider what I can do about it. I investigate which experience they have to achieve this. I can see it as inspiration more easily.

Find out what influenced you to start comparing yourself to others. Then you can find ways to turn it into something helpful.

Take action to improve your self-esteem

The best way to gain self-esteem is to go out, get into difficult situations and see that you can handle them.

Don’t be afraid of starting small.

If you are afraid of traveling alone, you can take many different steps.

Maybe you first just visit a new museum in your town alone.

Then you can make a day trip to another city nearby.

Afterward, you can spend a weekend in another state.

Then you can go on a holiday to another country, where you can still speak your first language.

In the end, going to another continent or to a country where you don’t speak the language, will be doable. You will still be scared, but you will be able to handle it. You learned that you find your way in new environments.

Whatever your goals are or whatever your fear is, find small steps to face them. For each obstacle you mastered, you gain a portion of self-esteem.

Don’t let fear guide your choices.

Improve your skills and make new experiences!

Hold yourself accountable by your standards

Computer games are not important to me. I don’t know new releases, and I am terrible at playing them. But well, I don’t practice either.

If I judged myself on my skills in playing computer games, I wouldn’t think too highly of myself.

Everybody is a Genius. But If You Judge a Fish by Its Ability to Climb a Tree, It Will Live Its Whole Life Believing that It is Stupid. — Albert Einstein

We can’t learn and do everything at the same time. Our day has only 24 hours and our lifetime is limited.

Choose what is important to you and hold yourself accountable to these standards.

If a big career is not one of them, great. If having children is not one of them, great. If travelling is not one of them, great.

Don’t listen to people telling you otherwise, because it is your choice.

Build your support network

I compare myself most often in terms of aspects of my life that involve shame for me.

Shame can only exist in our heads when we don’t talk about the topic.

I started to tell two close friends about moments of shame. It is always hard to overcome the initial barrier. But it gets easier. Especially, since these two friends also started to share their problems with shame.

Experiencing that shame is universal for human experiences breaks down the separating walls. This bonding makes both sides stronger to face fears and build self-esteem.

Final note:

I hope you found some suggestions! If you are on your way to stopping comparing yourself, you already have my full respect. This is a journey for courageous people!

Don’t let anything stop you!

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