The American Independence Ideal Backfired, Leaving Us Dependent on The Wrong Thing

The costs of extreme individualism are higher than we think.

If you’re from the USA, you’re familiar with the great American ideal: liberty and justice for some. Sorry, I meant for all.

Americans are trained to believe equal freedoms and opportunities are granted to each citizen. With good, old-fashioned hard work, anyone can reach their fullest potential.

We call it a meritocracy, forgetting it’s a myth. Nonetheless, we continue to place our complete faith in the individual while downplaying the interconnected nature of humanity.

In accordance with our core cultural values, most Americans prioritize a hearty work ethic, and a competitive “may the best man win” attitude. We worship the idea of self-sufficiency to help us achieve our ultimate goal.

Independence.

As an American, I identify with these ideals. However, since moving to Italy in 2019, I’ve noticed how independence can sometimes lead to isolation and how over-emphasis on the individual can contribute to a society that doesn’t know how to take care of one another, or worse, doesn’t want to.

Furthermore, I’ve observed how chasing individualism hasn’t freed us from dependence altogether but ironically forced us to pledge our allegiance to the “wrong thing.”

Money.

Let me illustrate with a personal example. I grew up with a single mom in California in the early 2000s. My mom is from Massachusetts, so she raised my older sister and me away from her familial support system. Looking back, I can see we were pretty isolated, just the three of us, but that was our normal.

My mom showed us an impressive example of independence, proving that one person can seemingly do it all but at a cost. There’s always a cost.

Here are the current childcare costs alone in San Francisco:

• Infant child care (ages 0–2) costs on average $1,926 monthly, or $23,114 per year.
• Preschooler child care (ages 3–5) costs on average $1,471 monthly, or $17,656 per year.

Throughout our childhood, my sister and I had multiple babysitters, frequented before and after school programs followed by evening sports practices, and of course, we always attended summer camps. Our mom couldn’t stay home, so neither could we.

Being out of the house frequently came with a heavy financial burden, not to mention the physical, emotional, and relational strains. My mom perfected a Wonder Woman persona, but out of pure necessity, not choice. She proudly paved her independent path as a single mother, but I doubt she would have turned down a helping hand if one was offered.

One problem with the expectation of hyper-independence is that it creates a culture of feeling guilty around asking for help, even from family. Of course, autonomy can be a source of profound pride in periods of success; however, it can be an equal source of shame and stress in times of struggle.

Growing up in the United States, I believed the world was a place where everyone was out for themselves, and whether I liked it or not, that was just the way of the world. I carried that belief until I learned my home country is actually an outlier when it comes to idolizing individualism.

A decades-long research project ranked the United States as the most individualistic country in the world. Yup, number one, baby!

As admirable as it is to take responsibility for your life and invest in your potential, we must be careful not to isolate ourselves for the sake of performing a toxic and isolating form of independence.

When forced to rely on one thing, whether a person or our pocketbooks, we increase our vulnerability. When we feel alone, we feel disempowered, which is why isolation is one of the first tactics abusive partners use to gain an edge over their victims.

Extreme cultural independence is a similar tactic to keep a population reliant on profit instead of a network of people. The American independence ideal ironically backfired, pushing us to prioritize finances over personal fulfillment, not by choice but rather due to a lack thereof.

Instead of optimizing relationships, we seek to maximize revenue. Instead of leaning on communities, we rely on cash.

Leaving my home country helped me realize I don’t want freedom from communal responsibility if it means forfeiting the rewards of reciprocal relationships. I prefer the expectation of doing my part over the immense pressure to do it all.

Self-sufficiency is a strength; however, there’s a fine line between taking care of yourself and trusting no one but yourself. It’s up to us to walk that line by learning to embrace individuality without sacrificing community and appreciate independence without rejecting assistance.

We will always be dependent on something, but we get to choose whether it’s people, profit, or both.

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