What Italy Taught Me About America’s Toxic Independence Culture

Independence is not only a ticket to freedom, but a one way pass to something much more sinister.

Italian men are obsessed with their mothers. After almost three years in Italy living with an Italian man, I can assure you this stereotype is rooted in truth. The family unit is everything in Italy, to the extent that it powerfully contradicts my previously held American ideal of independence.

When I first arrived in Florence as a study abroad student, I remember joking with my friends about how Italians in their 30s still lived with their parents. Excuse my ignorance. At the time, it seemed odd.

I left home at 17, and I was raised in a culture that told me returning home after college equals failure. It’s true that many of my 20-something peers are currently crashing with their parents due to unprecedented global circumstances, but living at home past your teen years is decisively not the American dream.

A primary value of American culture is independence. Americans believe in self-reliance, hard work, and forging your personalized path through life. The American dream may be an illusion, but individualism is an inextricable element of American society.

Growing up, my single mother made sure she taught me to never rely on anyone else for my success. I always regarded self-sufficiency as a strength and proudly identified as an independent woman.

Before moving to Italy, I worshiped individualism; “put yourself first because no one else will” was a motto with which I profoundly identified. I’m confident I would have spent my entire life chasing independence if Italian culture didn’t teach me there’s a better way.

People who move abroad often lecture about how magnificent it is to discover a new culture and gawk at its many quirks. These people often forget to mention the excruciating process of extracting your core values one by one and casting them away to live in harmony with a new set of customs.

The first time I stayed with my boyfriend’s Italian family, I discovered privacy isn’t an Italian priority. His mother snatched our dirty clothes from our bedroom to wash, iron, and fold the first night. The following day, I found my underwear arranged neatly in squares waiting on the bed.

I swear I appreciated it, but I didn’t expect it. I quickly learned the words “mine” and “yours” don’t exist in an Italian family. Everything is “ours.”

As another example, my boyfriend’s extended family — aunts, uncles, cousins, family friends — are also given unlimited access to his time and services. My boyfriend’s cousin needs him to drive 4 hours to pick him up — done! His aunt has a friend who wants him to book her train tickets — No problem!

In an Italian family, boundaries don’t exist, even when it comes to finances. I can’t imagine my boyfriend declaring to a family member or close friend, “you’re asking too much.” or, “I’m sorry, I’m not available.”

At the risk of sounding evil, I have to admit my boyfriend’s can-do attitude initially infuriated me. I grew up in a family that didn’t ask for special favors since, in America, to be a “real adult,” you must take care of yourself alone.

While you can achieve freedom from independence, you can cultivate something else as well: loneliness. In 2020, some estimates suggested that up to 61% of American adults are lonely. Isolation during the pandemic undoubtedly contributed, but the problem runs much deeper than a year of social distancing.

The BBC Loneliness Experiment recently found that people living in individualistic societies — such as the USA — reported more loneliness than people residing in collectivistic societies such as Italy.

Loneliness is born from lack — a lack of community, support, and the confidence that someone will always be there to back you up. I can’t claim that loneliness doesn’t exist in Italy, but the collectivistic culture certainly mitigates it.

In Italy, adult children are more than welcome to stay at home. There is no societal shame in living with your parents, rent-free, well into your 20s and even 30s. And yes, mom will probably do your laundry.

What I’ve learned from living in Italy is that we aren’t meant to take on the world alone. Instead, we thrive in engaged communities that are happily involved in our progress every step of the way. Parenting shouldn’t end at age 18 but last a lifetime. Families aren’t built to break but to grow.

If you’re successful in achieving independence, you may fulfill the American ideal. Regrettably, in the process, you’ll extinguish the beauty of life: to live in communion and collaboration with others. Moving to Italy taught me that navigating the world on your own isn’t an accomplishment. It’s a tragedy.

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