The Adventures of the Vegetable Stalker, The Vegetable Stalker Gets Carried Away

Or can this guy ever get a brake? Someone needs to slow him down.

Continued from The Adventurers of the Vegetable Stalker: Preface

By this time Veggie’s exploits were beginning to attract a lot of attention. The media began to follow us where ever we happened to go. Paparazzi hid out everywhere we went, cameras at the ready. At times there was no way we could get any privacy short of setting a forest fire — something Veggie and myself would both someday be accused of but never proven. It seemed as if the entire world, the entire universe, plant and animal kingdoms, either loved us or hated us. There were vegetable-rights groups protesting while our fans raged with support everywhere we might happen to be. It seemed as if no one was indifferent. Sometimes though, Veggie managed to attract the sort of attention we just didn’t need…

The Vegetable Stalker Gets Carried Away

“What is this place,” he questioned, “where veggies do surround?” “They come at me from everywhere, by gosh, they do abound. It seems to be a jungle,” he says. “Oh, Stalker, I beg your pardon. This place is not a jungle but just a humble garden.”

“I’ll lead with my machete,” he says, “and cut them all to bits.” I warned, “But Sir, they’re not quite ripe. Perhaps just call it quits.” He said to me, “They cannot win. We cannot let them grow. If one should chance to live the world can never know.”

But then some men in white coats came with jackets tied in back. They bounded ‘cross the rows; so sure was their attack. Was in a group they bound him up then led him far away so the humble garden’s safe, at least another day.

“Has the Vegetable Stalker gone daft, or has the writer of this script simply become nominated for an award of another kind? Will the Vegetable Stalker be able to free himself from the men with such poor taste in clothing? (Everyone knows jackets with belts are out of fashion this year.) And will the writer ever get a haircut and get a real job?”

Many lessons would be learned as time went by. Of course the first thing I had to do was to get Veggie off the farm, so to speak. Thankfully, the doctors decided he had no intentions of hurting anyone other than vegetables and the judge ruled that since vegetables aren’t offered equal protection under the law, he decided to allow Veggie Head Stalker to go free. Of course, they could have probably kept him locked up for years using the same statute they chose to release him under had the plaintiff’s attorney actually shown up on behalf of his client.

Like I said, many lessons were yet to be learned, and sometimes even the lowliest of plant life can be perceived as a threat should the conditions be ripe for it. Even a place as quiet and carefree as a pasture sometimes hides adventure right out in the open. Sometimes it’s not necessarily the sort of adventure most of us seek.

Stay tuned for more amazing adventures of the Vegetable Stalker; same time, same book, as we continue with Chapter II, The Adventures Continue.

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