The Adventures of the Vegetable Stalker, Pork ‘n Beans

Will our hero, Veggie Head Stalker eat the horrid Pork ‘n Beans? Find out as his adventures continue right here on Veggie Network News… Or was it Veggie News Network… Whatever, it’s coming up right after this commercial break.

Continued from The Adventures of the Vegetable Stalker. Like you’ve got anything better to do.

Then came the next blow. Veggie went through so many paternity tests that his foliage began to wither, fall off, and blow away. Every time some little turnip would come up pregnant Veggie would end up in court again. All in all I think the total number of paternity suits came to forty-two, and seven times he was accused of rubbing his stamen against some flower’s petals. He’d never met most of these swollen little daises, much less swapped pollen with them. Still they came from gardens everywhere trying to get a piece of Veggie’s greens. And when he told them no they would start accusing him of everything under the sun even though none of them was ever able to produce a single bee as a witness. In the end he went to court and won in fifty-three consecutive cases. It’s amazing we ever found time to seek out new adventures. As it went, the courtroom was the only place Veggie seemed to win, and the attorney fees were rapidly piling up. Veggie began to worry, and rightfully so, that he was running out of money. He began to dream about that one big score that would solve all his woes and worked out a special one time only deal with the sponsors. I only wish I’d seen it coming before he got his eyes full of his next big adventure… VegetableStalker.com is brought to you in part by Wackemall Mining, Manufacturing & Farming… Proud sponsors of the Vegetable Stalker.

Sorry, that was part of Veggie’s big sponsorship deal… Pisses me off!

Pork ‘n Beans

Pork ‘n beans, pork ‘n beans, you find them in a can. No one eats them, so they say. They say they cannot stand to taste a taste, a little bean must make one just a dork, but pork n’ beans make you go blind lookin’ for the pork.

So the mighty Vegetable Stalker set out on a mission to eat the pork n’ beans and not destroy his vision. Could it be perhaps he’ll make it. Only time will tell, but if you’re very still you can still hear him yell.

“My eyes! Oh, my eyes!”

“Has the Vegetable Stalker been beaten once and for all? Will he ever be able to see again? And is there really any pork in pork ‘n beans? Stay tuned for the answers to these and other questions that have plagued man and vegetable for centuries as the Adventures of the Vegetable Stalker continue with Ginger. I hear she’s hot.

By the way, could you pick up some mustard when you go to the store? Maybe some pork too? These beans could really use some help.”

Oh yeah, and this too… sorry.

The Adventurers of the Vegetable Stalker are made possible with donations from great readers like you, and other imaginary sponsors.