The ABCs of Narcissism 3: the C’s Part 1
The Dynamics of Codependency.
Hello! There’s so much to learn about narcissism that, for the moment you finally work out you’ve been a target, victimised and gaslit all this time, I’ve put together a quick reference glossary over a series of articles under each letter of the alphabet to help you understand and begin recovery.
Please note this is a glossary of terms with the briefest of explanations as a very rudimentary introduction to aspects of narcissism for victims who may be trying to understand how they may have been gaslit. They are general and include all possibilities. Their purpose is not to diagnose or label abusers but to help you recognise and give you the current shorthand for destructive patterns, manipulative behaviour and negative personality traits so that you can discuss and put your particular encounter with narcissism down to experience and move on better educated.
C is for:
Codependency
This has to be one of the most damaging and hard to break aspects of the relationship with the narcissist.
The term coined by Alcoholics Anonymous describes the dynamic between the abuser and their target or ‘supply’ as we call the victims of narcissists, (‘narcs’ for short). It is essential to explore this dynamic with the victim as a path to healing, understanding and recovery.
However, it can be difficult for the abused to hear this term in the early days because of sensitivity around the blame/guilt culture that the narcissist would have grown in his victim as a tool of control. The word ‘dependency’ has connotations of collusion which can spike the victim’s well-honed, prominent and primed feelings of guilt. This often leads to us lashing out against perceived victim-blaming, which doesn’t help our recovery. When you have grown up or spent significant time being groomed or programmed to be always the one who is at fault, to doubt yourself constantly if you think otherwise, to be looking over your shoulder every minute of the day waiting for the inevitable criticism of your actions or inaction, the consequences of which have invariably led to pain of some kind being inflicted upon you for ‘correction’ purposes, then it is easy to be frightened and hurt by the suggestion that you willingly took part in this dynamic. This instant and uncontrolled reaction can close you down to receiving the support you need.
Carers and supporters need to understand that for a long time the logic of the narc and their reasons for blaming their supply had no discernible pattern as the abuse is designed to be unforeseeable hence destabilizing, all-absorbing and exhausting. So the perception that there may be the slightest hint of criticism from a newfound source of support may transport the victim psychologically and instantaneously back to the worst times spent with the abuser. This can be very hard to understand or accept for a newfound love or supportive friend. Once the rescued assume the defensive posture of old, lash out, adopt the foetal posture etc, it can be hard to snap out of and it can wear out the patience of a caring person who has never had to deal with this kind of abuse before.
In this mode, it is difficult to take in new stimuli that may well help. Anything new poses a threat. Love and guidance can be interpreted as control. It is a form of habitual terror. As a habit, it can be broken and adjusted but most likely there will always be a raw nerve in certain areas. Even now, many years later, just sitting watching an innocuous movie can bring on a panic attack for no recognisable reason. My partner and I just accept that it is so and let it pass. Dissecting just prolongs it. It is a physical reaction and the less attention you pay to it, the sooner it goes away and over time the effects will lessen. If this is happening to you see my short article on managing it:
Abuse by Design
When I say ‘designed’ please don’t assume that I mean your abuser is sitting there plotting. Abusers are unstable but highly instinctive. They know what they’re doing but it’s not necessarily a thought process you can look out for and spot. Although you may be aware of such things as ‘the black clouds descending’ expression, their tactics, being mostly instinctive, can appear normal and the most ‘natural’ conclusion in the world. They can turn and go on the attack without thinking about it and at the drop of a hat. Thus the daily narrative is normalized. This behaviour may well have been around the victim, programming them to accept this as normal, since birth. As such, its familiarity can be an unconscious source of comfort that may attract us to and make us attractive to new abusers. That is the fault of the victim just the outcome of their situation.
Turning on the Charm
Apart from the dazzling honeymoon period of the seduction when the narc is assessing and grooming his supply, it is a classic part of the repertoire of the torturer and brainwasher to give their victim occasional reprieve. Reports going back as far as interrogations in World War 2 by all parties refer to the perpetrators offering a drink and a cigarette between sessions to soften up targets and break them quicker.
They need to keep you in a position of vulnerability. After all, he/she can’t play with you if you're constantly in the foetal position, that’s no fun. Embodying both good cop and bad cop, interchangeable at any moment keeps you wide-open ready and unarmed for abuse.
So after a period of sustained abuse, narcs will suddenly be nice to the supply, revealing the honey that once entrapped them. Initially, this is to remind the supply of better times that may return, but it also serves to condition the supply that it is the narc who is the true victim in this relationship and that the supply’s subjugation and improved behaviour is producing the results they both need and desire. It is a convincer strategy designed to destabilize the victim and keep them in tow, believing that their ‘good behaviour’ has a prize to look forward to, that it may even result in actually helping the narc see the error of his ways. I spent more than half my life so far, proving to mine that nice, good, trustworthy people exist and that love will conquer all. The rare glimpses I saw of gratitude and appreciation spurred me on to waste another few years working to earn my enslavement.
After Effects during Recovery
The good cop routine can only be sustained for a short while as it is only ever a prelude to the next delicious feed. The victim eventually comes to know and expect that something bad is being cooked up, but these ‘crumbs’ (see the C’s Part 2) of attention or affection are so rare they may be guiltily enjoyed as the only light on the horizon. The lasting effect of this damage is that later when supportives are being nice, the victim may become afraid and feel guilty at the same time. Inexperience on behalf of the supportive can lead to misunderstanding and reading this a rejection. With all the love and the best will and intention in the world, it’s impossible to predict or second guess what may be the wrong thing to say and do, it will take a very long time and a lot of patience to learn where the old sores and cracks in the soul may lie.
Don’t Rush
The temptation to snap the victim out of a pattern can be interpreted as a new threat of abuse. What has taken years of programming will be difficult to rehabilitate. Expressions of love and encouragement to the serially abused can be viewed as being set up for a fall or attack. Kindly meant words are easily misinterpreted which is hard to deal with for loved ones who can also feel hurt, upset and frustrated when the victim has retreated or is not ‘present’, having regressed in a flash.
Victim Blaming and Over-Giving
Nobody wants to feel blame once they’ve bravely embarked on their healing journey. Let’s think of codependency instead as a tendency to ‘over-give’, to be overly burdened with all the good and laudable virtues we all admire — strength, love, generosity, understanding and forgiveness, but to an excess that attracts those who may abuse our naively saintly natures.
The supply will have been brought up or convinced to believe that there is only one correct way of doing something. The trouble is that the perfectly correct way will always remain a mystery to them as the abuser shifts the sands to destabilize. This leaves the victim believing that they are the one who is too stupid to understand the things that everyone else finds easy and normal.
In a narcissistic relationship, the balance of power means that the ‘supply’, the co-dependent partner is forever being drawn upon to provide sustenance to the narc abuser. The narc has picked you out for this very reason and will suck from you everything they need and will eventually be ground-down-willing to give until there is nothing left of the beautiful soul that attracted them for your kind, giving, and understanding nature in the first place.
We should never expect criticism for actions on the part of the victim as that would assume ‘cause and effect’. The victim is never ‘at cause’, as that would assume power and choice on the part of the victim, things that were stripped from them early on in the relationship.
They may well act out with rage at years of an unfathomable pit of despair built up and labelled “my fault”. The narc has worn them down into believing only they know what’s best for them, can release them, or make them feel valued because of the narc’s reliance upon them. They will never have been encouraged to examine these feelings and beliefs or to develop any kind of self-awareness as that would threaten the narc’s plans.
Warning signs of over-giving:
- Justifying the actions of your abuser but being horrified if you saw someone else suffer the same.
- Feeling unable to say no, guilty about, or unable to set boundaries or leave toxic relationships, friendships, and jobs.
- Feeling powerless, drained, or resentful at being manipulated, stolen from, controlled, and cheated upon and out of a healthy, happy love life.
- Believing that all people are as well-meaning and trustworthy as you.
Big Fish in a Small Pond
There are no absolutes in life, everything is relative. But in this dynamic, the narc must remain superior to prop up their insecurities and the only way they can find status is to create a small swimming pool where they float above rest. To their mind, it is critical to their survival that they remain on top. Never underestimate the panic that will ensue if the narc is challenged. It will lead to aggression and reassertion of the pecking order. Terrified of being found out as less than their hero narrative, they will go to enormous lengths to ensure they stay the leader of the pack. Deeply flawed, they are not God, however much they come down on anybody who challenges any aspect of their existence. Aggression is a symptom of weakness. See our article:
The Road to Recovery is Paved with Good Intentions.
There can be serious issues to resolve around establishing safe and ‘normal’ relationships after the damage wrought by the Codependency dynamic.
The vulnerability that the supply exhibits, that was identified, exploited and built upon to such an extent that they fear the world outside the relationship and losing the reliance they’ve come to expect from a jailer who has cast themselves in the role of their rescuer will still be present and may attract the next narcissist in their life who will feel strangely comforting and familiar during the honeymoon phase.
For those that luckily escape the cycle of abuse and find the beginnings of a healthy relationship, there will be many banana skins to negotiate. Be patient and apply no pressure. There will be plenty of shame associated with admitting to enjoying or not enjoying anything. Don’t probe, but be willing to experiment with discovering the victim’s anchors and triggers. All shows of support may initially be seen as conditional, so carers would do well to reinforce a constant, safe and unconditional behaviour and routines especially around mealtimes and bedtimes. Accept that it may take years and that ‘rules’ are not obvious or even understood or recognized by the victim themself. There will be many light bulb moments along the way and they are to be encouraged and praised.
Learn to identify a Narcissist
One of the first lessons I learned in the shelter when we were being counselled about going back out into the world and dating again, was to listen very carefully about the story your newfound admirer tells you about their ex. Because that will be you in six months' time.
Not really you, but the role you will be playing in his narrative as to why you deserve the treatment he’s going to be meting out to you.
They really didn’t hold out much hope for any of us attracting great partners once we’d been groomed to be ‘supply’, so it was good advice if a little pessimistic. Still, always best to be cautious until a new admirer proves their worth to you.
Those who ‘over-give’ tend to take people at face value. Because it's not in their nature to take advantage, they find it difficult to identify a predator. This especially applies at either end of the spectrum: either this behaviour is not known in their family or it is the dysfunctional norm and they are so used to the abuse that they find it comfortingly familiar and have developed the resources to cope, not understanding that they deserve better.
Programming
A healthy relationship is characterized by an even balance of ‘give and take’ by both parties. However, it can be dazzlingly romantic to be cast in the role of rescuer, and heaven knows we’ve all been brought up on fairy tales that eulogize the characters that save the frog/beast/sleeping beauty with a kiss. It’s a powerful narrative used by narcs, renowned charmers, to honeymoon us into a relationship with a sob story that first ignites the hero in us, and then when the narc’s behaviour deteriorates, ignites the defender and the coverer up of all their sins, because, poor darling, they’ve been through so much at the hands of all their previous ‘abusers’ (read ‘supply that escaped/was destroyed/died/woke up’). I was kept so completely exhausted working for and defending him all the time that I had little energy to enquire into what he was up to or to challenge him, falling into his trap of being cast as the ‘frightened little thing’ who couldn’t cope without him, the burden he had to suffer’ which gave him the excuse to play around with and spend my hard-earned on people who were ‘fun’.
Examine your past relationships and see if there’s a pattern. Think about the relationships of your parents and loved ones, have they given you healthy examples of boundaries and deal-breakers? Ask yourself which Disney/fairy tale character you relate to. It may be a clue as to how you see or project yourself, but it sure won’t be a good indication as to how that behaviour will likely work out for you in real life!
To continue reading — The ABCs of Narcissism 4: the C’s Part 2
Coercive Control
To start our series The ABCs of Narcissism 1: the A’s
Click here:
References and further reading:
Start Here, and Out of the Fog, by Dana Morningstar.
Coercive Control, by Evan Stark
Invisible Chains, by Lisa Aronson Fontes
The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist, by Debbie Mirza
How to Kill a Narcissist, by JH Simon
Boundaries after a Pathological Relationship, by Adelyn Birch
