Your Tormentor is Weak
They Feed On Your Strength
For any woman being bullied or gaslit by a narcissistic partner, the idea of their tormentor being weak must seem like a joke, or like looking at her situation through the wrong end of a telescope. Her day to day misery will leave her feeling isolated, friendless and impotent.
Only when one can stand back and take what amounts to almost an aerial view of the tragedy that the true landscape emerges.
Let’s concentrate on the male narcissist, manipulating a dependent woman and probably children, rather than the female narcissist who exist but uses different weapons for different ends.
YES, he’ll have a sad sob story or hero narrative to keep selling you, but it’s not the real reason he acts the way he does, so stop buying it.
It is doubtful that narcissists are born but is almost certain that they are made and how they are made will not likely feature in their public narrative. Behind the bravura and tales of victimisation to get you on their side, the truth can be far more ugly and dangerous.
There is a danger in generalisation, and there are many variations, but frequent points to notice are:
A desperate need to prove virility and superiority over male peers
A fear that somehow they don’t quite measure up either:
- Physically
- In terms of personal achievement
- In their reputation for sexual prowess
- In their demonstrable wealth
- In their domination of women (Fear of being ridiculed as being henpecked)
- By being seen as the odd one out
- By feeling tied down by family commitments
The need to blame the woman or children for holding them back
An overwhelming sense of failure as a result of previous trauma can often include:
- Sexual abuse
- Physical abuse
- PTSD as a result of front line service
- Avoidable accident
- A sense of failure when confronted with death or disaster
There will be others, and every case will have unique features, often requiring, but rarely getting, effective counselling, rehabilitation, psychiatry or medical intervention.
Look inside the mindset of the MINI-EMPIRE BUILDER. He‘s a self-appointed God, that’s all.
This may be of little help to the abused partner or family, but will, hopefully, bring the abuser down to Earth in the eyes of the abused and remove them from that omnipotent god-like pedestal and hopefully now seen as an inadequate human being desperate to carve out their own mini-empire.
This requires a massive shifting in mindset as the abuser and abused will, in many cases, have formed an unhealthy symbiotic relationship. (See Co-dependency in our next article). The abuser is almost wholly reliant upon the assent and compliance of the abused. In contrast, the abused has become wholly reliant upon the opinion and intermittent perceived goodwill of the abuser.
The abuser often needs to maintain the fiction of being the strong man in his family to those around him. This is frequently born of a fear that others may be laughing at him, so a super-strong image has to be projected. Often, of course, few of his peers really believe this, and that may, in some circumstances, encourage the abuser to go even further in their abuse extending it to serial (and abusive) adultery, sexual domination and even, in exceptional circumstances, sexually motivated crimes that have in the past, included abduction and paedophilia. This is more likely to happen if there had been other issues in their past and trying to investigate, thereby gaining insight and knowledge, can be fraught with exceptional danger.
SEEK HELP WISELY
There is a great deal of misdirection, false hope, and tragic failure to be gained by following well-meaning advice from friends, family and even medical staff at A&E after an assault where understanding the background is a complex process.
In previous generations, it was not uncommon for a woman displaying a black eye to say that she had walked into a door. Effectively that was a shorthand that everyone understood, meaning stay out; this is a domestic issue. Today, other shorthands have come into play, and the most frequent is for the abused to make excuses, deluding nobody but herself.
Sometimes there is a mutual vulnerability, and a spiral into alcoholism or drug abuse seems the only way out, always with disastrous consequences.
There is specialist help out there much of which can be accessed through charities and local social services or you may get referrals from your doctor. I myself was referred to a women’s shelter by the police that rescued me from physical abuse. The shelter was key to explaining to me what I had been going through and how it was not acceptable in the real world. Many church parishes have outreach schemes and the ability to refer onwards. Always be sure to take advice from independent experts experienced in abuse that have no other agenda than your wellbeing as a healthy, independent person.
It takes a great deal of courage and insight to break a cycle of abuse.
The first and most critical fact to grab hold of and believe is to realise that the abuser is a narcissist, thinking only of their own perceived misery. This is easily demonstrated by pleas that they could change, if only they could be given one more chance. Dissolving into tears is a common ploy, and the misery looks genuine. If that doesn’t work, then a threat to commit suicide is another common ploy.
This latter one could be quite dangerous, and there has to be a very fine call based upon the depth and breadth along the spectrum of realisation by the abused of the narcissist’s desperate need for endorsement and praise. There are, unfortunately, too many cases where the situation has degraded to such a point that the narcissist feels that their only way of maintaining status is to go out in a blaze of glory, taking children or, indeed, the abused victim with them.
The suicide threat is thrown around far too often. In the first stages, it is an idle threat to test the water. If it is the first time it’s been used, then the narcissist/abuser is relying on the abused’s sense of pity. There can be no effective answer at that point beyond abandoning them immediately before it gets any worse. That will mean discomfort, frequently a drop in living standards as women’s refuges, police and social services are called into play. Looking back I only wish I’d done it years sooner. That would be my only regret as I live my best life now.
Be prepared for a torrent of accusation that the abused is mad, hormonal, has her own agenda, shacking up with someone else, or even she’s a prostitute. This won’t impress the professionals but is really aimed at business colleagues, members of the country club, bridge party, masonic lodge and often his own and the abused partner’s family.
I have seen too many examples of women being argued into an unsuitable marriage because he has good prospects, wealth, connections, status or even fear by parents that the bride to be may be tending towards lesbianism (yes, honestly!) Friends are often enlisted because they want to see her be happy; after all, they are all married already. The Narcissist will know this and act out his part magnificently.
That is the point where she must take her courage in both hands and opt-out, even if it risks distress from both families and the inevitable excuse that money has been spent or invitations sent out. It doesn’t matter what others think; it is your life.
This has been only a very brief sketch as many other areas need to be covered in terms of cultural pressures, arranged marriages and the way that apparently reasonable people can give in to narcissism as the only solution to the perceived failures.
