The 7 Words all Married Women Use
And why married men should be careful around them
Fine:
Be careful of this word, it usually signifies things are NOT fine. And if one hand is firmly placed on the hip while being spoken, be afraid. Be very afraid.
It is usually used by women to signal the end of an argument in which you were clearly wrong but refused to back down. When used you usually have two options — 1) shut up and apologise, or 2) Look for the children’s old Pokemon tent and sleeping bag but do not ask Mrs. Fine where those items might be.
Especially if the thing that caused the word “fine” to be uttered, is about something “lost” that you cannot find and have used your husband eyes to not find, and it is exactly where it should be, and always is.
5-Minutes:
Actually, on Venus, the 5-minute period is never less than 1/2 an hour. And that is assuming there are no clothing malfunctions or raised eyebrows suggesting something is wrong with what she is wearing. When in fact you were raising your eyebrows at the cat’s antics behind her.
However, the cat has knowingly slunk away to watch the feud its recent antics have created, and she doesn’t believe you.
Please note, this 5-minute period is NOT the same as the 5 minutes you’ll be graciously given, instead of doing your chores, to watch the end of the Sports Final you have been watching and have waited the entire season to watch, and have spoken about for months, which has gone into extra time.
That 5 minutes, commonly known as a “Mars 5”, is strictly 5 minutes.
Nothing:
Nothing is never nothing. It is ALWAYS something. When you ask:
“Honey, what is wrong?” and she responds with
NOTHING.
Just that. Trust me, it is something. If the hairs on your neck are not prickling up, you need further training or are very newly married. If an argument starts over “nothing”, it usually ends with “fine”. This is called the double whammy.
Then these words spring to mind:
Theirs not to make reply, Theirs not to reason why, Theirs but to do and die. — Alfred, Lord Tennyson.
S-I-G-H
Not so much a word as an utterance:
Ugghh or Aaah!
The aaah sound will sound less like a question and more like the word fuck or fuck it or fuck off has been left off the ending. The “h” at the end is spat out — aaahH, like so. Not really spoken calmly. There may be a foot stomp or arms crossed across the chest too. This move is subconsciously telling you the factory is closed for business. These boobs are out of bounds.
Often used in front of the children, guests, or in-laws but carries as much weight as:
You fucking idiot.
It really means you are a total knobhead, and this is not over yet, just wait until we are alone.
At this point, your planning should involve never being alone with her. I usually bathe, feed the children, and read a bedtime story while keeping them awake by lightly pinching them so they cannot fall asleep until she falls asleep.
That’s Okay:
This is a very dangerous statement. It’s really not okay. Especially if spoken in a syrupy sarcastic tone. The more syrup, the more shit I find myself scooping myself out of.
I cannot stress enough how huge this one is. It usually means she needs time to process the damage and to allocate time to a response that is equal in its retribution intensity, to what she deems you to have botched, x 2.
Thanks:
Men, when she says thanks, just say “You’re welcome.” Do not ask why. Never ask why. Just take it and run.
And this should never be confused with “thanks a lot”. Do not say “you are welcome” when this phrase is used, it is the wrong response.
The male equivalent to thanks a lot, is … “you’ve fucked up, mate.” I know it’s strange, but trust me on this one.
Equally — “Thanks, don’t worry about it” — means you should be worried about it. And “Thanks, I’ve got this”, means they expected you to help and they haven’t got this at all.
But you are going to get it.
Thanks is a double-edged sword. Enigmatic springs to mind.
Go ahead:
Now this is a tricky one. It sounds like you’ve been given permission to do something. Nothing could be further from the truth.
It is not permission … it is a dare. As in,
go ahead, I fucking dare you.
or
Go ahead, if you feel lucky, and make my day.
(Apology to Clint for bastardizing several movies into one line).
It often revolves around a weekend activity with your mate, the single one she barely tolerates, and her being left with the kids. Things like fishing and golf.
In every one of these instances, do the exact opposite of what your male genes are telling you to do. Or get the Pokemon tent ready.
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