BREAKUPS/HEALING/FINDING JOY AFTER DIVORCE/STARTING OVER

The #1 Best Thing You Can Do for Yourself After a Devastating Breakup

Discover how to build your village and bring joy to your life

Breakups suck! There is no easy way around it and it doesn’t matter if it is a marriage or a long-term relationship or perhaps only a year. It is miserable and heartbreaking no matter the circumstances.

One of the worst parts is finding people to spend time with. A breakup is not just between two people. It includes children, immediate family. Heck, it can easily reach into the extended family, church, or even your kid’s softball team.

All the circles of people you previously connected with day in and day out are now dealing with your breakup too.

When I went through my divorce, I did not realize how alone I would feel. Christmas morning at my ex-in-laws was no more. Birthday parties and summer cookouts with people I once called sisters, albeit sisters-in-law and nieces and nephews I had loved since the day they were born came and went without me.

I did not know what to do with myself. My village was gone.

Or was it?

We have all heard the expression that it takes a village to raise a child. I believe it takes a village to share life with and make it worth living.

How I found my village and you will too.

Accept the past is in the past.

The first thing you have to do is accept that the past is the past and today will be different.

But different does not have to be a bad thing. There is a lot to be said for it.

With patience and understanding, many of these old relationships can continue. But they need time for the dust to settle and adjust expectations.

You probably will not be invited to the next family gathering. But if you care about your ex's family, they will see that. You may even get invited to your nephews' weddings.

And if you don't get invited, that is okay. Everyone has to deal with things we are not always privy to. Do not take it personally, and do not blame anyone. Sometimes it is highly complicated.

Embrace the change

All of a sudden, you have an empty calendar on your wall staring back at you, telling you what a loser you are.

TELL YOUR CALENDAR THAT IS A LOAD OF CRAP!

After a traumatic experience and yes, divorce and any breakup are traumatic. Everyone needs a grieving space, a time to mourn what was lost, whether tangible or just a dream we had for our future. We lost something sacred to our hearts, and we need to heal.

You have the opportunity to branch out, create new experiences and open the door to what is

An empty calendar is opportunity right there for the taking. Now is your time to shine. Branch out of your routine, create some new experiences; volunteer, hit the gym, enroll in a class.

Check-in with old friends.

Now is the time to call in all favors. Remember how you comforted your friend when her boyfriend dumped her on New Year’s Eve? Or something like that. Get on the phone and let her know its repayment time.

Let your friends know you need them. It's okay to be vulnerable. To quote Dionne Warwick, that's what friends are for.

Word of warning, you may want to steer clear of friends with who you and your ex hung out as couples. This may take longer for the air to clear among you all.

Seek, and ye shall find

Learn to make new friends too. Seek out people you know from church or your kid's activities.

Try spending some time at the local dog park. It’s a great place to meet people. But only if you have a dog. Otherwise, you may get some strange looks and even have the police called on you. No one wants to hang out with a stalker.

Seriously though, if you take the time to look, you will discover there are interesting people everywhere. All you need to do is start up a conversation and see where it leads.

You may feel alone, but in reality, there are people every day who find themselves in the exact situation as you. They, too, have an empty calendar.

The hardest part is taking the first step. Everyone waits for the other person to make the first move, to start up a conversation, or invite someone for coffee. We all fear rejection.

Find your village

This is your time to put all that negativity behind you.

Be bold!

Be brave!

Do this for yourself and for the single parent sitting alone at the PTA meeting. Strike up a conversation. You may be surprised by what you have in common. Plan a get-together with other parents who all love sushi. Ask a co-worker to join you for lunch.

And if you don’t hit it off, there are plenty more people who would love to have you as a friend.

You can do this!

You are not alone. Even when it is late at night, and you feel the world has gone on without you, believe me when I tell you there are others in the same place. Remember that.

I know this because I am you. I survived, and so will you.

I found my strength in different places. One late night I was unexpectedly, contacted by an old friend whose life had taken a different path. But that night and for years to follow, she walked beside me as though we were never apart.

I was also blessed to have found a great support system with the mothers I home schooled with our children. And eventually, I began going out with friends from work and joined a writing group.

I consider myself a pretty strong individual, but I was a wreck in those days and months after my divorce. I needed all those individuals, and they became my village. They carried me when I couldn't walk. They dried my tears. They showed me I was worthy, and best of all, they embraced the new me.

As I have traveled different roads, my village has evolved. Some have gone another way while others are in a car beside me, and then there are the crazies who are still in the car with me, bracing for each curve and holding on tight when it gets rough. But they are here.

There is a village out there just waiting for you to find them.

Starting over is extremely hard. I know, I have been through it. If you found value in this story please take a few minutes and check out

Thank you for taking the time to visit my writing.