Thank You For Being Kind

Never underestimate the power in how you show up

“Thank you for being so kind.”

My landlord said these words to me the other day, and it gave me pause. Thank you for being kind. He was speaking about the experience he and his family have had interacting with me over the last few years, as I prepare to move out and move on to the next adventure.

It was surprising to me in a way because for me, the way I’ve shown up has just been basic human decency. I can’t imagine having shown up any other way. Perhaps my parents taught me well, or my empathy reminds me we’re all going through a lot at any given time so I may as well lift others up when I interact with them. But it was a surprise because for many years I was not like this.

At least, I never perceived myself to be.

There are two sides to every story

I’ve always had an intensity about me, and it tends to make me feel a little self-conscious at times. As a teenager, I struggled with my relationship with myself, picking at anything I perceived to be a flaw and festering in a kind of self-imposed prison. During these years, I don’t remember being particularly kind. I remember snapping at my mom and brooding in corners, hardly interacting with the people around me. I didn’t believe I was worthy of love.

Yet, there’s always another side to the story. I’ve always been good at seeing this, except for when it comes to myself. When I think back on those years, I think my perspective might be a little skewed — I think of myself as this monster when in reality, there was still something about me that intrigued people enough to stick around. When I meet people who knew me during that time of my life, many of them still think of me with positive regard.

We’re often our own harshest critics — something I’m reminded of on an almost daily basis, as I tend to be quite hard on myself.

But I never realized how deeply that extended to my perception of how I interact with other people until recently. I, for a long time, believed I was not good with people. I thought I was unlikable, that no one really wanted me around and I felt I was always sticking my foot in my mouth.

I’m realizing that’s not quite as true as I thought it was.

A little kindness goes a long way

Thank you for being kind.

By the time I moved into this apartment almost four years ago, I’d grown a lot. I was no longer in the throes of my surly teenage phase; I was coming out of a series of deep traumas, but at least I was more aware of how I was showing up. The kindness and love that had been so present in me as a child, I think came back around this time. I’d gone through these months where everything I had worked so hard for kind of fell apart and at the end of it, I remember feeling like I was coming up out of the deep as if I’d been at the bottom of the ocean for nearly a decade and I was only just then coming back to myself.

It felt like coming home.

I believe it’s an innate part of our nature as humans, to be kind. I’ve heard a few sociologists or scientists recently mention that Darwin’s theory of “survival of the fittest” has actually been interpreted wrong. In reality, we are more likely to survive when our community is thriving, when we are beloved members of a collective and inhabiting a network beyond ourselves. In this sense, it’s more a matter of “survival of the most well-adapted” — and in order for one to be in community with others, one must know how to interact in ways that benefit the whole.

Kindness is mutually beneficial. When you are kind, people think highly of you. They grow to respect you. The kindness I’m speaking of here is not the same thing as people-pleasing; you need not let people walk all over you. Kindness can co-exist with boundaries. In fact, sometimes the kindest thing you can do is speak to your limits and give only as much as you are willing to.

But true, genuine kindness goes a long way. Never doubt that.

People matter

I always come back to this one quote by the ever-wise, magnanimous Maya Angelou: “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel.”

How do you want people to remember you?

I’ve come to realize it’s important to me to show up in a way that invites people to take a deep breath, to feel accepted and allowed to be themselves. I always appreciate when I meet others who show up in this way. And while I will never be able to control how others perceive me, I can choose how I show up.

I can choose to show up with compassion and kindness, to be a source of light in a world that often feels quite dark.

A gentle nudge: reflect on your interactions with others. It can be easy to slip into patterns and habits without realizing how we are being in the world — and it’s natural, but I find it’s also good to check in sometimes. Are you showing up in the way you would like to, or are you abandoning yourself to please someone else? Have you been short-tempered lately? Set an intention for one quality you’d like to embody for the rest of this week, and leave a reminder somewhere you’ll see it often.

A beautiful soul I’ve had the joy of interacting with on here lately is Camille Grady. Her writing is gentle and soothing yet also very often profound, and I always find myself nodding along as I read her reflections. Here is a piece of hers that I love.

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It’s an honour to walk this path beside you.