The Authentic Eclectic
Ten Things You Don’t Know About Me
The Dillon Empire is not all it seems.
I don’t generally bite on prompts, but after this recent piece by The Garrulous Glaswegian, in which she concluded with the Medium summoning spell encouraging yours truly to follow in her footsteps, I decided that on this occasion, I would participate. Here then — after a certain amount of redaction imposed by the Dillon Empire Ministry of Propaganda — are ten things you don’t know about me. Well, perhaps you know some of them, as I daresay my foaming-at-the-mouth rants occupying the darker corners of Medium may have brought them to light in certain cases. Still, if you are masochistic enough to trawl through this selection of Dillon Empire trivia, I hope you glean a few instructive titbits.
1. I’ve never walked out of a film
This won’t come as a surprise, but I’ve never walked out of a cinema mid-film. I’ve come close on a few occasions. The intolerable abyss of unmitigated flatulence that constitute Michael Bay’s Transformers sequels leaps to mind. Also, the only thing that kept me in my seat for Mamma Mia! — a film of eyeball-gouging ghastliness on multiple levels — was the thought of the spectacularly scathing review I would pen, with a clear conscience at having suffered through the entire thing. Therein lies the reason I don’t leave, as I could not review with any integrity had I walked out.
However, the very closest I have ever come to getting up and leaving was when I saw Institute Benjamenta. Unless you’re a hardcore cineaste, I doubt you’ll have heard of this dour, dismal, pretentious borefest set in a servant’s finishing school. It actually got some very good reviews at the time. But I found it to be the cinematic equivalent of a Dementor from Harry Potter. I could literally feel my soul being sucked away as I watched. There are dreary films, and then there is Institute Benjamenta. I should add that the staff in the cinema where I saw the film — Harbour Lights in Southampton — found it so unbearable that instead of having ushers sit in for the entire film, they would take ten-minute shifts in rotation.
2. I love bubble-gum pop music
As an otherwise fairly stereotypical INTJ (for those of you familiar with the Myers/Briggs personality test), this is one area where I decidedly don’t fit the personality profile. Growing up in the 80s, I loved pop sensations like Wham, Bananarama, Five Star, Rick Astley, Mel & Kim, Kylie Minogue, and even Bros (I Owe You Nothing is a banger — especially the single mix). In the 1990s, I loved Take That, Spice Girls, East 17, Backstreet Boys, and Five. I even liked Aqua — a much smarter group than they were generally given credit for. (I always saw Barbie Girl as a savage satire of sexism and misogyny.) In the 2000s, Girls Aloud were my joint-favourite group of that decade (alongside Muse, which shows how eclectic my pop tastes can be). I was also a fan of All Saints, Sugababes, and Britney Spears (Toxic still holds up brilliantly). In the last decade, I loved Little Mix and One Direction. You get the idea.
Yes, I love “serious” musicians too (see above re: Muse). The only thing I don’t much care for in the popular music spectrum is country and western. And for the love of all that is holy, don’t mention the vocal terror that is Celine Dion. But in my annual Dillon Empire favourite singles compilations (I’ve always been more a singles person than an album person), throughout the decades, bubble-gum pop rubs shoulders with Queen, David Bowie, U2, Madonna, Bruce Springsteen, Run DMC, Blur, Lady Gaga, The Clash, Prince, The Prodigy, New Order, The Jam, Radiohead, Pulp, Guns N Roses, Muse, Blondie, Amy Winehouse, The Smiths, Rihanna, The Police, Pet Shop Boys, Coldplay, The Killers, Depeche Mode, The Weeknd, and many other “serious” bands and artists. And yes, I love ABBA too (despite my aforementioned hatred of Mamma Mia!).
3. I’ve had some terrible reviews
Although I often get lovely reviews for my published novels, I’ve also had some scathing notices that made me wince. In the interest of encouraging any writers who struggle to take bad reviews in their stride, here’s a sample of the very worst for my 2014 novel Children of the Folded Valley, to prove that you really can’t please everyone all the time.
“I nearly gave up several times but skimmed the last few chapters so I could find out how it ended, which in retrospect was not worth it. Although there were a few plot holes, it could have been a good story if someone more talented had written it.” — Amazon Customer.
“The basic idea is great, with huge potential that is not fulfilled. The writing is anodyne, the characterisation and narrative unconvincing. Shame — it could have been really intriguing.” — Hard-marker, Amazon.
“An idea that could have been extremely interesting deep-sixed by incredibly dull writing… Sorry, but just being able to put sentences together grammatically isn’t enough for a novel.” — Catana, Amazon.
Ouch.
4. My parents were in a cult
The first seven years of my life were spent in a cult. I’m not going to discuss this part of my life in any great detail, suffice to say it was an extremely dark time, on multiple fronts, and usefully traumatic in terms of inspiring my fiction. The novel I mentioned above, Children of the Folded Valley, is directly informed by that time in my life — though I stress it is a work of fiction, as should be obvious given the sci-fi element.
Here’s a footnote from my experiences in the cult: At one point, the leader opened a sports shop. Parents in the cult were not permitted to buy their children toys but were instead instructed to make purchases from said sports shop. Therefore, instead of getting the toys I wanted for Christmas or birthdays, I was given sports gear. I have a vivid memory of visiting the sports shop in question, then looking longingly in the window of the toy shop next door. Don’t feel too sorry for me. Such miserable incidents have yielded a harvest of literary inspiration.
5. As a child, I wanted to be a farmer
For reasons I’ve never fully understood, I used to want to be a farmer. I was obsessed with farm machinery. Our garden looked out onto a farmer’s field, and I would watch the activity therein all year round. I got particularly excited about combine harvesters, balers, and those cool mechanical loaders that would lift the bales onto flatbed trailers.
I also had an extensive toy farm (post cult — see above), including a vast array of barns, tractors, combine harvesters, and other farm machinery accessories, plus lots of farm animals. Most of these toys were made by the amazing company Britains, and they still manufacture farm machinery toys today (though they are often bloody expensive). My bedroom floor was my “field”, and I had my farm neatly in one corner. My mother never had to ask me to tidy my room, because I always wanted my fields clear. God help my younger sister if she dumped any of her dolls in the middle of my “field”. I would also meticulously observe the farming year, so at appropriate times, would “plough” the carpet, then “harrow”, “seed drill”, “fertilise”, and later “harvest”, plus make bales, and so forth.
At about the age of eight, I made friends with a local farmer. He was happy to let me wander around his farm and fields, and I was allowed to help out from time to time. I got to do all manner of health and safety nightmare tasks, including burning the stubble of his cornfields (something no longer done in today’s more environmentally conscious world). The farmer showed me how to do it safely, and away I went — an eight-year-old pyromaniac! My mother says she has a vivid memory of me returning home from the fields one evening after burning one of the fields, and remarked that I looked like a column of soot walking towards the house.
6. I have an interest in geology
Rocks and minerals are another nerdy interest of mine. I have a lovely little collection, including several quartz varieties (including Smokey, Rose, Amethyst, and Citrine), a number of geodes, a piece of Milky quartz mixed with gold, and a rock containing fairly large ruby fragments. I once spent the best part of a day inside the rocks and minerals section of the Natural History Museum in Washington DC. A truly fascinating place. One particularly amusing and ironic sample contains both gold and iron pyrites (fool’s gold). Sorry, I’m boring you. I’ll move on.
7. I have no interest in sport
I have no interest in sport, save for an occasional flicker of patriotism when Britain competes in the Olympic Games. But I think that might have more to do with seeing Chariots of Fire at an impressionable age. Football holds no appeal for me whatsoever. As for golf, my vehement loathing of that particular game is well-documented elsewhere (halfway through this article, for instance).
I wonder if my disdain for sport originates in my parents being instructed to purchase sports gear as presents instead of my beloved toy tractors (see above)? Actually, I doubt it. I think it’s far more tied up in the sadistic PE teachers that came later, combined with the BBC’s insistence on prioritising the sport audience over any other, when I was growing up (an irritation the Monty Python gang parodied in the opening of this episode).
8. I’m not a pets person
Because I have no desire to look after animals, I don’t own any pets. I think that is fair and sensible, as ownership of pets involves considerable expense and responsibility, and I don’t desire to take on that responsibility. That isn’t to say I don’t like animals. I’m not a cats person (and frankly, I can’t abide the endless feline fawning proliferated online in endless interminable memes) but I do like dogs. I also like quirkier pets like tortoises (though definitely not snakes — I’m with Indiana Jones on that one).
In terms of wildlife, I have an affinity for hedgehogs. As a student, having had a few drinks too many, I once stood on a busy road and stopped traffic to let a hedgehog cross without getting squished. The drivers became increasingly abusive (understandably) but I stood my ground until the hedgehog made it to safety.
9. I’m a Christian
Yes, I’m card carrying member of the God Squad, and make no apologies for it. My beliefs are in line with mainstream Christian theology. However, if you’ll forgive my use of an obscenity, I should stress I do not “identify” as evangelical. I do not wish to be associated with delusional right-wing lunatics who think elections were stolen, state funded healthcare is the work of Satan, the Covid vaccine is the Mark of the Beast, and so forth. I doubt they’d wish to be associated with me either, for many reasons — not least, my love for the horror genre (as both writer and consumer).
My faith informs all I do. I hope I can do my best to be a good ambassador for Jesus Christ, as I find he is often sorely misrepresented these days. I am far from perfect, nor do I have neat little theological answers for every big question, but if you’ll forgive my use of another obscenity, I am on a “journey” with God. My faith has deepened over time, especially through difficult circumstances. However, I don’t want to end this article on a heavy spiritual note, so…
10. My cooking skills are slowly improving
In the last couple of years, my expertise in the kitchen has greatly improved. Human casualties from my cooking are now down to what the Pentagon would term “acceptable losses”. In all seriousness though, I make a damn good beef curry. I can also prepare a roast dinner par excellence (lamb being a speciality). I’ve just added chilli to my repertoire too. Much of this has happened under the expert culinary eye of my wife, who used to do the bulk of the cooking (a talent she picked up from her hugely skilled father, sadly no longer with us), until my relatively recent shift to becoming a full-time writer. Now I am sans insanely pressurised management job with long hours, it makes sense for me to take more of a turn in the kitchen, and I’m really pleased with how I’m improving.
Which reminds me, I must make dinner.
Author’s note: I hope you enjoyed this article. For more about me and my writing on Medium, please click here. For information on my writing outside Medium, please click here. For a list of my published novels and other works, please click here.
