Ten Things I’ll Never Do

Summary

The article "Ten Things I’ll Never Do" humorously outlines the author's personal aversions and life choices, ranging from not taking ocean cruises to not remarrying or having more children, and includes a playful tagging of friends to share their own lists.

Abstract

In a lighthearted and humorous tone, the author of "Ten Things I’ll Never Do" expresses a list of activities and life events they have no intention of partaking in. These include avoiding ocean cruises, rejecting the idea of remarriage, and refusing to have more children. The author also dismisses societal beauty standards like shaving underarms and declines to engage in physically demanding activities such as running a marathon due to health reasons. The piece is a response to a challenge from a friend, Adrienne Beaumont, and concludes with the author tagging several friends to create their own lists, while also promoting Medium membership through their referral link.

Opinions

The author finds ocean cruises amusing, questioning the frequency of free offers.
They humorously reject the idea of remarriage, joking about having enough "bodies in the basement" and referencing a movie that could have inspired a different approach to cohabitation.
The author is firmly against having more children, having experienced various forms of parenthood.
They express a clear disinterest in conforming to underarm hair removal norms.
Canopy walks in the Amazon Rainforest are noted as an experience the author regrets not doing but has consciously removed from their list.
The author has a preference for old, ramshackle houses over purchasing or building a new one, finding character and history in them.
Sex is another topic the author is disinterested in, influenced by their friend Adrienne Beaumont's stories about dating over seventy.
Running a marathon is out of the question due to the author's heart defects, despite admiring friends who are avid runners.
The author refuses to own a scale, preferring to gauge their fitness by the fit of their clothes.
They assert that they are the only one capable of cutting or styling their "horrid" hair.
The author concludes with a humorous list of additional things they won't do, including putting toilet paper on the roll "the wrong way" and eating shellfish, crickets, or accepting an offer to go to space.
They offer a playful apology to past spouses, expressing hope that their cooking and humor were appreciated.
The article ends with the author tagging a long list of friends to continue the fun and inviting readers to join Medium or try an AI service they recommend.

Ten Things I Ain’t Got No Bucket For

No ocean cruises for me — Hahaha; do you get free offers regularly?

I’m not getting married ever again. Thirteen bodies in the basement are enough! Had I seen the movie first, I’d have realized I could have just advertised to rent out rooms. But no, I had to get married! You just gotta chuckle…have another peek here.

Twisting my arm will not get me to have any more children! Nope, been there, done that; birth, foster, adoption, and fictitious kin are things of the past.

Absolutely not shaving my underarms! I don’t think I would even if I had underarm hair. Who comes up with this stuff anyway?

Canopy walks are definitely out! I do regret I didn’t get to do this one, but, it’s off my list!

I put my foot down on the idea of purchasing a new home, or building a new home for that matter! I’ve bought old falling down, ramshackle houses all my life and it’s been a magnificent experience. A house never did me wrong.

Sex? Nope, no interest. My friend Adrienne Beaumont has told me all about the men out there for women over seventy. Read a few of her stories and you’ll quit dating too!

8. I refuse to run a marathon. Nothing against runners. Some of my best friends run, like CARMEN F MICSA, MA in English, podcaster. She travels the world to run and writes books about it. I admire her so much, but I will not follow in her footsteps. Truth is, I’ve never been allowed to run. I was born with some heart defects and have done well to keep alive.

9. I’m never owning a scale for weighing myself. If my clothes fit, I’m okay. If my clothes don’t fit, I’m in tight clothes.

10. I’m never going to a hairstylist to get my hair cut. I’ve always had horrid hair and I was the only one who could ever cut my hair or style it. Short, long, or bald; I’m on my own.

To Conclude

And a few other things I’ll not be doing: putting the TP on the roll the wrong way, voting for the wrong political candidate, eating shellfish or crickets, and accepting my friend, Elon’s, offer to go into space with him. What is he thinking making offers to old plant ladies, anyway?

So there ya go. I just ain’t doing any of that stuff — ever!

Apologies

I apologize to the men I married. You were all good guys. I especially liked the one who was years and years younger than me. I hope marrying me had nothing to do with why you’re all dead. I’m comforted that you all loved my cooking, humor, housekeeping, and other marital perks.

I still love you all.

Ten Things I’ll Never Do

I ain’t got no bucket for this crap!

My Opposite Bucket List