Ten Rules for Life

Apologies to Jordan Peterson

It’s the start of a new year. A clean slate, a fresh sheet, and with that in mind, I’ve been giving some thought to the things that are important in life. They’re not resolutions but more fundamentals that can lend an individual an appearance of functioning.

1. Invest in a well-cut coat. It will have shape and the depth of colour will invigorate your face. It’s the first and sometimes the only thing people see you in and it sets the tone for you as a person: someone with style, someone with a vivid complexion, someone alive, someone with a human being’s body shape. Never, never, never wear one of those jackets meant for climbing a mountain (unless you are climbing a mountain); they are shapeless and garishly coloured and are the complete opposite of a well-cut coat (Canadians seem to be especially guilty of this; some of them are still wearing blouson). Treat your well-cut coat respectfully — hang it on a hanger and avoid weighing down and mis-shaping the pockets — and it will endure for years and end up costing far less than its cheaper peers.
2. Respect your hairdresser. Phoebe Waller-Bridge was right: Hair is everything. Men, I know the barber is cheaper and okay, short back and sides are neat and tidy, but if you can, go for a stylist who can give the equivalent of a well-cut coat. Women, change it up; nothing ages a face than clinging to the haircut of your youth.
3. Okay, hair isn’t everything; teeth are everything. Look after them. If you neglect this, 1 and 2 are in vain and your life is essentially over.
4. Read a poem every day aloud and let it echo in your brain. It’s the most time-efficient way to improve your vocabulary, your rhythm and your syntactic joie de vivre.
5. Wash, chop, cook and eat vegetables, lots, every day. Cabbage is your friend, old cabbage is your best friend; it’s loaded with anti-oxidants. (NB: I feed my husband so much cabbage it’s enabled him, at the age of sixty, to identify as a twenty-year-old; he’s coming along so well he’s now thinking of identifying as an eighteen-year-old).
6. Walk among, observe and revere trees; they’re the flora equivalent of pterodactyls and will bestow you with awe and calm and wonder.
7. Never drink caffeine after midday. No matter what you think, it will interrupt your sleep.
8. Lift weights. They are the elixir of life. Your muscles can keep all their youthful vigour and size, which means your bones will stay strong, because, as you know, your bones will only ever be as strong as your muscles. It’s pointless guzzling calcium and protein if you don’t work your muscles.
9. Listen, when someone talks and specifically comment on what they have told you. Don’t immediately turn the conversation to yourself. Ditto in Medium comments.
10. Be kind to an animal. Even if it’s just your cat or dog. Animals are such sensory creatures; just hearing a cat purr or seeing a dog curled up warm and safe and asleep bestows a feeling of goodness. If you really want to be a superior person, worship cats.

However, if you are fleeing war or corruption or terror and find yourself in a dingy adrift in the English Channel, pay no attention to the above bourgeoise clap trap. Instead, pray that you make it to the other side, that you get a chance to work and provide for your family and watch your children grow, which is all you want, just like everyone else.

Happy New Year.