TED TALK

Reading Cruz the Riot Act

Infant schools U.S. senator about life for the rest of us

The “Honorable” Rafael Edward Cruz 404 Russell Senate Office Building Washington, D.C. 20510

Dear Senator Cruz:

I am writing to you today because you just might be as crazy as an outhouse rat, as my Grandpa would say.

I’ve noticed your flatulent outbursts recently — about babies, about books, about keeping all of us safe in school.

You’ve been farting out loud again, Felito. In fact, your stinky eruptions have given my tiny tummy a case of gas, with which I’m intimately familiar. And I’m not talking about the kind that’s overpriced at the pump.

Believe me, Felito, at the tender young age of close to five months, or thereabouts, I am certainly the local expert around here on bodily emissions.

If you don’t mind, then, I’d like to let you know what I think about that.

And I’d like to stick with your childhood nickname, Felito, for which you were teased so relentlessly you changed your name to “Ted” when you were 13.

You know, that word is derived from the Spanish verb felio, which — natch, in your case — can be loosely translated as “snarl.”

It is also the root word for “feline,” but I wouldn’t want to burden any kitties I know with the appellation, especially as it pertains to you.

Changed your name from Raphael/Felito to Ted during your tender early teen years? Gosh, guy — even an itty bitty like moi can tell you’ve been an insufferable nerd your Entire. Moronic. Life.

Oh, where to start? It’s almost impossible to figure out, there’s so much poop to scoop.

During hearings to confirm our newest Supreme Court Justice, you babbled on at great length about babies and “racism.” Hmmmm…I can tell you from personal experience that my friends and I do not have a prejudiced bone in our bodies. But we do know a whack-a-doodle when we see one.

OK, OK. I should be watching Sesame Street and other such “lefty” kid programming, but I’ve been known in my many months on this earth to occasionally tune in to a Capitol Hill hearing or two. My Mama was raised in D.C. What can I say, other than I’m sure I’m much more informed right now than you’ll ever be.

What do children’s books have to do with the nasty state of the world today?

Did a close reading of The Cat in the Hat cause Russia to invade Ukraine? Did Pat the Bunny render a run on weapons of war at your friendly neighborhood gun apothecary?

Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson looked at you strangely when you asked if she thought babies were racist. And then followed up with those weird questions about kid-lit.

And, of course, Twitter went to town on your sorry ass (sorry, Mom and Dad — I can’t help myself when ridiculing proper pendejos).

“It’s possible that Ted Cruz genuinely wonders whether babies are racist,” one Twitterer tweeted, “because every baby he has ever encountered has recoiled from him with horror and disgust.”

Oh, and this one made for required reading at my house:

“I agree that Ted Cruz is a racist baby.” I’d say that’s correct.

Which brings us to the here and the now, Senator Felito.

I’m not the be all, end all, expert on our country’s political structure, but my folks tell me you help represent the Great State of Texas in the U.S. Senate. And I’ve learned at daycare that it’s important to run toward the “helpers” when stranger danger is imminent.

But, please, Felito, give me a freakin’ break.

I’m not even a year old and I know the problem with guns is the actual guns. Blaming the teachers isn’t going to solve the problem. Rebuilding the schools won’t, either. Taking weapons of war away from 18-year-old psychopaths just might.

You say you want to consult safety experts. And those so-called international geniuses think a single entrance/exit will solve the problem of shooters in schools? This crackpot idea — my Grandma, who was a teacher, says you call it “hardening” school buildings — might have worked in a one-room schoolhouse back in 19th-Century Texas, but what about today?

Do your research, Felito! Modern-day schools house anywhere from about 500 kids plus staff — aka Robb Elementary in Uvalde — to upwards of 4–5,000 students/staff in big city public high schools. Heck, even I know my GMa taught in a school with about 3,000 students, teachers, coaches, and other staff. With your “one-door solution” in place, good luck evacuating that building in case of emergency, much less getting all those kids into the building first thing in the morning.

Of course, your precious progeny wouldn’t have to worry about that.

Mommy tells me your daughters go to private school in Houston. St. John’s, right? The place that puts a premium on the head of each student, to the tune of about $32,000 a year. Such a shame you have to drop so many Benjamins for a decent education these days.

But guess what? Your kids certainly get a bang for your buck. St. John’s has an “anti-racist” curriculum! They’ve taught their students — including your Caroline and Catherine — all about the evils that you currently preach.

When I’m old enough to get around, and figure out my verbal skills and all, I’d like to ask the Cruz Sisters (sounds like a 1980s punk band, yes?) what they think about their Daddy’s hypocrisy. Hey, if in the future you all get an email from a handle called “D Boy,” look no further than Your Boy D — That’s Me!

I guess your reaction to local gun violence is to be expected. You are the one who left your puppy to freeze while you and the fam frolicked in Cancun.

I know I have a lot to learn, Felito. And my parents have so much to teach me about the big, bad world. But I hope that when I grow up, I learn to cope with life as it is. I don’t want to be that guy who blames all my problems on everyone else. Sound familiar?

If you think about it, you really have no cojones. And you’re definitely a cabrón. BTW, if you consult Urban Dictionary, that doesn’t always mean “goat.”

You’re a fool, Senator Felito, Your Boy D