Personal Development | Growth | Self-love

Talk Spicy to Me: A Direct Communicator’s Guide to Better Self-Talk

Three self-communication hacks from a communication professional

Someone should go back and edit the phrase, “You get more with sugar than with spice.” Many people (including myself) prefer savory to sweet. Just look at how pumpkin spice has become the Basic B badge of honor.

Is the equation really: sweet > spice?

As a direct communicator, phrases like “you catch more flies with honey” or “you get more with sugar than with spice” make me cringe. Why can’t we say what we want?

I’ve been affectionately reminded over the years that “tone” matters. It’s not what you say but how you say it. As a young girl, I learned how to game the system. When I wanted something badly, I needed to ask for it sweetly.

These (manipulation) tactics can be useful when trying to influence others. Still, as someone who spent over a decade in marketing and communication leadership, I wanted to test this theory on self-talk.

Here are my top three self-communication hacks to ensure a healthy mindset:

Hack No1: Identify Your Self-Love Language

First, review the love languages from Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages. Find one (or more) that help you focus on self-love. Here are some ways to adapt to them:

• Words of Affirmation — Talk nicely to yourself
• Acts of Service — Make time for self-care
• Receiving Gifts — Buy something nice for yourself
• Quality Time — Spend some time in stillness or meditation with yourself
• Physical Touch — Do I need to explain this one?

It turns out, words of affirmation are my self-love language.

As someone who frequently says what’s on their mind, I often wonder if tone matters in self-talk. Is there such a thing as a spicy self-love language? I think so.

You can still be direct, but hold yourself accountable to the lens through which you view the situation. Take, for example, the blog I wrote about losing. Being transparent doesn’t mean being black and white. Find the gray area and look for the lessons.

Hack No2: Wordsmith Your Self-Talk

In case no one has told you, words matter. I’ve been dubbed the queen of semantics in my career. I strongly believe in the art of wordsmithing.

Here’s how to start wordsmithing your self-talk:

Find a Spin: In marketing, we always spin the statement to a positive. For example, do you say things to yourself like: “I’ll never be as good at writing as these other bloggers?” Reframe that statement to say: “I am so inspired to become a better writer by these other bloggers.”

That equation equals: Positive Mental Chatter > Internal Comparisons and Judgments.

When in Doubt, Edit: Many experts and thought leaders in the personal-growth space indicate the first step is being more mindful of what images and sources of information we consume. I know for me, that has a direct impact on my self-talk.

Go through your social media feeds and delete, hide, or block anything that instigates emotional bashing.

Hack No3: Think Like a Kid

This past summer, I hosted 16 kids at my house for my daughter’s seventh birthday party. She wanted a “Spa & Sports” theme, so I enlisted a local yoga studio’s help to lead the kids in a mini yoga and meditation workshop.

By far, my favorite part of the workshop was the guided positive affirmation practice. As the instructor explained the activity, I couldn’t help but be blown away by the moment’s beauty (captured in the image on the left).

Each girl selected an affirmation card (from a deck purchased from Amazon) with sayings like:

• “Be who you are and say what you feel.”
• “Just because you haven’t found your talent yet, doesn’t mean you don’t have one.”
• “When it rains, look for rainbows. When it’s dark, look for stars.”
• “Try to be a rainbow in someone’s cloud.”

The girls read their cards aloud and shared what they felt their cards meant. I can’t remember what filled my seven-year-old brain. But as I watched these young girls embrace this practice, I couldn’t help but think these girls nailed it.

Are we intuitively filled with the understanding of peace, love, and kindness? Do we naturally talk sweetly to ourselves but fall out of practice over the years?

Practice Makes Imperfect

Make space for this “practice.” Use tools like yoga, meditation, or journaling to initiate a dialogue with yourself. Practicing these hacks will help you tune into a positive mindset.

And remember, no matter how much we practice something, there is no such thing as perfect. Perfectionism will end up contributing to negative self-talk.

Do you have any rituals you use to promote a positive mindset?

I am sending you all my peace, love, and positivity.