Tales of Nonstarters in My Month-long Dating Stint

Starting my list of fruits and vegetables with Apple

I have swiped through hundreds of profiles in my brief time (i.e., one month) with online dating. Some were to the right, but most were to the left. If the ones I swiped right on also swiped right on me, then we were a “match.” Therein, began the task of “trying” to get to know the person to see if we were a good fit to proceed in the process.

Yes, I am a newbie and as a newbie I am bound to make some missteps. But I will eventually learn this game. After much reading and reviewing the theoretical underpinnings of online dating, I adopted a few operating principles which on occasion I’ve been guilty of bypassing.

• Turn off notifications on the app and check the app only once a day for thumb exercises (ie., swiping).
• Always text the person within the app before deciding to share your phone number.
• Do a video call within the app before meeting the person in real life.
• Tell your friends when and where you are going for your first meeting.

Pretty solid list, don’t you think?

Have you ever lit or played with firecrackers? In every box, there is at least one firecracker that is bound to be a non-starter. I write this post dedicated to all the non-starters in my short, yet illustrious dating career of one month.

Disclaimer: The views and opinions in this post are solely my own with no intent to offend anyone.

Because my non-starters deserve to be showcased on shelves like fruits and vegetables, I am starting my list with such names. However, these nonstarters were also chosen because they had somewhat presentable profiles with proper grammar and NO gym selfies or shirtless pictures to make the cut (my cut).

Apple

Apple was a 42-year-old who was very responsive in his texts. I set up a video call and he was prompt in appearing neatly dressed for the call. Upon chatting with him, he said he worked for the court system. When I asked if he was an attorney, he said he was a court officer and that he didn’t go to college.

I have the utmost respect for court officers and for high school graduates. However, I had some basic requirements of a college degree in my filter. If he chose not to fill out his education level, then I guess he would show up on my screen.

Apple was very sweet in his interactions and was very eager to meet in person. He said women had the upper hand on this app and that the “ball was on my court” to make the next move. When he sent me a gif of a camel humping on a Wednesday that read “Happy Hump Day,” my finger hit the unmatch button faster than my brain could register that I abandoned him on cyberspace. Sorry, Apple!

Banana

The only reason I matched with Banana was that he was traveling on work within a radius closer to me. Banana was 53 years old and had a professional headshot. He looked like my favorite Superman, Christoper Reeve. For real! I thought to myself, this guy has aged well!

He was quick to say he was not from the area but was very decent in his exchange. We ended up exchanging numbers just in case we wanted to stay in touch if by happenstance we visited the other’s city.

Banana was quick to pick up the phone and call. He had a lot of energy and spoke for about 40 minutes. I think I may have managed to get in about 2–3 sentences. He was happy to ask the question and answer it himself — like a monologue. I attributed much of that to maybe nervous energy.

We tried a video call over the weekend and it was more of the same. He kept talking for close to an hour. I couldn’t find the right opening to even end the call. At the end of that call, I wondered if he had adult ADHD, but I also realized he knew nothing about me.

I texted him wishing him well and that this wasn’t going to work. I received an essay of a text stating how cohabitation was an important requirement for him and that he was going to look more locally. Phew! Bye-bye Superman!

Cauliflower

With a common interest in tennis, Cauliflower was 52 years old and a very engaging and witty texter — especially after 8:30 p.m. He was a Spaniard, with four children (two from marriage and two from a long-term relationship), and with a passion for food and cooking (a second common interest).

Once it came to wanting a video call or making plans to meet, Cauliflower went MIA on me. He said he was on vacation and I gave him a pass. He would send me text messages after 8:30 pm when he had the time and was bored.

We finally spoke on the phone after a few weeks after the initial text and planned to meet up on a Sunday for lunch. He called Saturday evening and said he had a family situation that he needed to take care of. He had only two Sundays in a month when he actually had time to meet. Cauliflower called himself Mr. Mom as he was juggling the care of four children ages 6–18 years.

I texted him wishing him the very best but said to him that I was in a different space and was looking to spend the time getting to know someone. Adios, Cauliflower! You have no time in your day to date, let alone the cognitive space. But I am not the one who is going to tell you that.

Dragonfruit

There’s a picture below if you don’t know what I am referring to. Dragonfruit was a sophisticated-looking gentleman who was 55 years old. Slightly above my age range, but stay with me for this one. After the initial pleasantries, I shared that I had two teenage kids and that I was divorced. He was very proud of his two children who were in college and shared enthusiastically about his interest in sports.

I realized he didn’t indicate his marital status on his profile and neither did he reveal anything in exchange for my disclosure. I then asked him directly, I didn’t want to assume so I am checking if you are divorced or single. Someone who was so prompt in his responses until that point completely disappeared on me. WOW! Ain’t I glad I asked? Another nonstarter for sure.

Eggplant

Sorry I had to switch to a vegetable because I couldn’t think of a fruit that started with E. Do share if one comes to mind.

Eggplant was a 44-year-old Indian guy. Unlike all the other fruits above, he was closer in proximity to me. I didn’t text much with him and neither did we chat via video call. I felt “safe” enough to meet with a fellow Indian directly.

He picked a very familiar restaurant so it made things easier for me. My first impression when I met him in person was that he was a nice guy. Nothing about his looks or personality to rave about. We had a good conversation. He was well educated and had a Ph.D., like me.

We had a nice meal and when the check arrived, I said we could go “Dutch.” I know, I know. You will tell me, let the guy pay for the first date! Hear me out. Nothing about this guy appealed to me. He was just a Mr. Nice Guy, a good neighbor I’d like to ask for help to let my dog out once in a while. I didn’t see myself going on a second date with him and I didn’t want to owe him anything.

To my surprise, he said he had been on a hundred (yes, 100) dates in the last four years since his divorce, and not one woman had offered to split the check. Yikes! Eggplant agreed to my plan.

When I asked him what he was looking for, he said he was looking for something casual. In my naivete when I asked what that even meant? He said he was looking for an intellectual connection but also because he was a guy he wanted intimacy. Alrighty, then!

We exchanged texts the next day clearly identifying that we were looking for different things and wished each other the very best. Needless to say, there was no first kiss. Pass!

The saga will continue

This is all in good humor and I know with every interaction I come out ahead more self-aware about what I am looking for. I am certain men can come up with their own list of fruits and vegetables in dating and Skip does a good job with sharing his findings.

In the midst of these fruits and vegetables, I am certain there are some chocolate-coated strawberries.

I loved Bella Reyna’s piece, 2 of the Most Important Words in Early Dating. We’ll see.

Take time to get to know someone. We’ll see. Maybe they are exactly who you’ve been looking for. Maybe they are a great match! Let time tell…

Did you like what you read? I’d love to read your thoughts in the comments section.