HANNAH #12

Take-Two: Something New on My List

A new life goal awaits

When we were preparing for Popposites, we would frequently hear Ms. Baker declare, “Take two,” which meant, “repeat the scene,” only we needed to do it better. Through repetition, we fixed some mistakes and eventually got it right.

I understand that “take two” mattered during our rehearsals, but I wonder whether we need a bunch of “take two’s” sprinkled throughout our life. I wondered this, in particular, when Lucy and I went grocery shopping. The goal was for me to make a scrumptious dinner that would squash “the summer doldrums.” That phrase is my dad’s.

Speaking of “take two,” I have never really taken to Lucy. The reasons are many. She never asks me a single question about me. She doesn’t seem to like to read unless People magazine or Cosmopolitan counts. We made her a fancy birthday dinner, and we got a very meager “thank you” (I love the word “meager” because it really makes my point). So, I’ve got my reasons for why I feel about Lucy as I do, and I don’t feel bad about it. At least I didn’t (spoiler alert).

But here we were shopping for groceries, and because I hate awkward silence, I started asking her questions. I figured I wouldn’t wait until she might ask me one — it probably wouldn’t happen, and we’d be stuck in silent mode for the whole trip.

Here was how it went.

Me: So Lucy, I know practically nothing about you, and I think I should.

Lucy: Yes, I think you should, too. What do you want to know?

Me: Do you have a family? Is there someone other than my dad that you feel particularly close to — like a parent or a sister or brother?

Lucy: I do have parents, but I seldom talk to them. They are divorced, and truth be told, they weren’t good as partners or parents. I have one brother, but we also don’t really reach out to each other.

Me: Wow. I probably shouldn’t say this, but that sounds really sad to me.

Lucy: It is. And then I see you with Ben and how much you both care for each other. And I see your dad trying his darndest to understand and please you. And I’ve got none of that.

Me: That helps me understand you and also why you and I haven’t connected much. I am sorry that I didn’t know any of that because I might have reacted differently to you. You never seemed at all interested in Ben or me, so I just let it go.

Lucy: Well, if I were a better person, I would have risen above my jealousy and made an effort, but the truth is that I haven’t really wanted to. I guess I am sorry about that.

Me: You do get points for honesty. Both for admitting to some jealousy and because you said, “I guess.” You probably know that for me, every word counts. So, when you say, “I guess I am sorry,” to me, it means that you feel that you should be sorry, but you probably aren’t.

Lucy: And also, as long as we are having this talk, you are so fricken smart. Sometimes, it weirds me out. Here I am, a hairdresser. I wash, cut, and blow-dry hair all day. I don’t read books. I don’t spend a lot of time thinking. I wake up, I go to work, I talk to my clients and make them look pretty or handsome — that is how I met your dad, and then I call it a day. I come home, enjoy a beer, read my magazines and try to see if there are any new looks that I could try out.

Me: Lucy, I respect that. You are trying to stay fresh, keep current, maybe even create a new look. That is what I would want from my hairdresser.

Lucy: Thank you for that. Hannah, and this part I really mean: We have about a month left. Maybe we could end the summer a lot better than we started. I know I haven’t been that nice. I also know that we probably don’t have much in common, except for your dad. But at least that’s a start, and I am ready for a do-over.

We finished our grocery shopping, Lucy dropped me off, and boy did I have a lot to share with Ben. I told Ben everything, word for word. I am good at remembering words because, to me, words are like gold — so, so valuable. When I used the word, “fricken” Ben reacted with shock. “I never heard you use that word before.” I had to remind him that it was Lucy’s word that I was repeating.

And then I had this thought. Maybe my conversation with Lucy was some greater being’s way of telling me that I need to do more “take twos” in my life. Lucy called them “do-overs.” My second take on Lucy is now very different than my first. It is kinder. I feel sorry for her. If I am honest with myself, I know I can be impatient in a way that might feel cruel. I think fast and reach conclusions even faster. Alfred once said to me, “Hannah, you can be a harsh judge.” It stung a bit, and then I decided to park those words and come back to them later. I think the “later” is now.

Of course, I asked Ben whether I was a harsh judge and also whether I am bad at “take two’s.” First, he wanted me to explain “take two’s,” but I think he was buying time as he figured out his answer. He wanted to be honest and also not hurt my feelings — at least that’s my guess.

Then he offered the following:

“Hannah, you can be tough and demanding. Every detail matters to you. That’s just who you are. But you also give a lot, and I know that I can count on you, and not just because you are my sister. You are loyal and you are capable which are two of the reasons I love you. So don’t be too hard on yourself. Did I answer your question?”

I paused and then replied,

“Not exactly, but sort of. Am I a harsh judge?”

Ben: You certainly can be. I think I’ve heard you say just a few times, times ten, “Ben, I have standards.” Maybe that’s why you’re tough.

Me: Am I a fair judge?

Ben: Most of the time. You don’t have any meanness in you. You just have an idea of what is “right,” which can make you sound tough.

Me: Will you help me be more open-minded when I judge people? I need to not jump to conclusions. I am going to practice this skill by rethinking my view of Lucy. I might need your help.

Ben: Ok. It will be easier than teaching you tennis. Just joking, kind of … and I am not giving up there either. Now, if that is all you need, can I go play a video game? Marvel’s Avengers is waiting for me.

I let Ben go, but first, I demanded a hug. I am glad he knows that I am in his corner because I totally am. The surprise of this summer is that Ben helps me at least as much. We’re different. He’s cool, and I’m hot. He is popular, and I have just a few friends. People love him right away, and people can sometimes be afraid of me.

For now, though, I am going to focus on doing a “take two” in other places in my life. And then I am going to talk to Coach. I am sure that he will have something helpful to say.

And I can’t forget Alfred. He will also have something useful to say, and he’ll probably add some statistics, which may or may not be interesting to me. But they'll be part of Alfred’s understanding. We all come to our worlds differently and his has lots of numbers whereas mine has lots of words. It’s another popposite moment.

Speaking of Alfred, it’s time that I write him.

This is part of a series. The previous piece is below: