Sunday Mornings Are for Sexy Scrambled Eggs
That’s the way I like them
On Sundays, if I wake up before my partner, I stay in bed and read erotica while waiting for them to open their eyes.
I enjoy this schrödingerly wait. Will they wake up now or never? Was it the last time we shared a bed? Questions fly in my head while I turn the pages full of smut. My heart beats faster.
Thankfully, they always wake up, and it’s a tender moment. I’m full of love and want to do something for them. Sometimes it’s oral sex; sometimes it’s scrambled eggs.
I call my recipe The Lovely Scrambled. Here it goes:
Ingredients
- Eggs
- Old washing machine
- Red Salsa Sauce. If you want more sauce, get a bottle of Worcestershire.
- Design skillet. If possible by Philippe Stark
- Carrots — minced or diced. (I love carrots.)
- Sombrero during summer, woolen hat during winter.
- Two tomatoes, one green, and one bichoed.
- Dark chocolate (80% minimum).
- Other stuff.
Method
- Leave the dark chocolate to melt and go back to bed for more oral sex if the option is available.
- Come back to the kitchen, get naked, and put on the sombrero or the woolen hat, depending on the season.
- Spread part of the dark chocolate on your nipples for style. Lick the rest for taste.
You’re now ready to scramble some eggs.
- Put half of the eggs in the old washing machine. Ask your partner to come and have sex on the washing machine with you. This should help pre-scramble the eggs.
- Set the washing machine on the scrambling-egg program with intensity 700. Modern washing machines usually don’t have this program, but old ones like the one from my grandma, do. That’s why you should use an old washing machine.
- While the washing machine is running, put the other half of the eggs, but one, in the design skillet.
- Open the window and throw the last egg at your neighbor or another lucky stranger that’s passing by. Show them the design skillet and the remaining eggs if they complain.
DING! The washing machine finished.
- Add the remaining eggs if you still have some and are very hungry. No need to pre-scramble them this time. Set the washing machine on the osmosis program for 2 minutes to get them scrambled.
- Add carrots, tomatoes, sauce(s), and other stuff according to taste.
- Set the washing machine on the final countdown (Tululu-lu, tu lu lu tu tu)
Go back to bed for more oral sex while you wait.
Thanks to Jessica Bugg for starting the scrambled eggs trend, which will, no doubt, take over Medium by storm and put an end to stories about articles that got 10,000 claps.
Smillew is a Medium artist who writes about testicles scratching tools, his Medium newsletter, and his Medium referral link. No need to follow him; he’ll show up in your feed.
