Suburban Shamanism 104: The Cult of Algorithm
The summer course you have signed up for is Suburban Shamanism 104: Post WWII Cults and Marginalia. There is no prerequisite, but students may want to be familiar with the following texts:
Introduction
Just as other religions saw an increase in new forms, sects, and denominations after World War II — Suburban Shamanism has continued to discover new expressions since its inception in the 1970s.
To be sure, any investigation into the nature of modern Suburban practices has to include a concomitant expansion of the term “suburban”. “Suburbanism” is now understood to encompass most of North America. As the late Suburban scholar Eddie “The Aardvark” Scanlon once put it:
Suburbia is a state of mind… and the whole fucking world is trapped in it.
Today we are going to look at the most recent development in Suburban cult devotion: the cult of the goddess Algorithm. Through an investigation of Algorithm we will gain not only an understanding of the most recent religious developments, but also the sociological, psychological, and political dispositions of modern suburbanites which provided the “good ground” for the seed of Algorithm’s cult to grow.
Devotion to Algorithm
It may help to begin by a offering a brief description of Algorithm devotion. While any such description must be generalized, for Algorithm cults are, as we will soon see, highly localized and specific, we can perhaps create a composite cartoon of what a typical suburbanite practice might look like.
It begins in the morning with the practitioner opening a device (iPad, phone, laptop) or, more formally, a “desk-top” computer. Frequently the first invocation of the goddess comes in the form of a question, which may be typed into a search bar (as in the case with the Google cult) or asked of an “assistant” to the goddess such as “Siri” or “Alexa” ( Nike:Athena as Siri:Algorithm). Questions asked might be:
- What will the weather be like today?
- Did the Yankees win last night?
- Why is my husband such an asshole?
- Is the blue-green rash in my armpit cancer or chemical poisoning?
- Why is there something, why is there not nothing?
- Who the fuck is Scooter Braun?
After the initial questioning, the devotee makes a libation.The libation can be any liquid poured out for the goddess. Most often it is coffee, spilled while carrying a cup from the coffee pot back to the computer, but can be such liquids as:
- spilled water from trying to take morning medications while still lying in bed
- water from stepping on the dog’s bowl while feeding that “fucking spaz lab”
- water splashed from the sink while drinking directly from the faucet in an attempt to assuage an “epic” hangover
- Beer, coffee, or lube spilled while fumbling for glasses on the bedside table
- Piss that, you know, misses the bowl THROUGH NO FAULT OF THE PISSER
- Blood from a menstrual pad or cup that leaked through the night
Having completed the libation the devotee then turns to the introspective portion of the ceremony by clicking on their news feed. It is in the news feed where the goddess reveals the inner life of the supplicant. As Grandmaster Mary says in The Spring Sutra:
“On the first day, the goddess gave me “Why You Didn’t Understand the Last Episode of Game of Thrones.” On the second day the goddess served, “10 Things Outlander Got Wrong”. On the third day, the goddess presented, “Three Relievers That Should Be on Your Roster.” It was then that I realized I was living in a fantasy world.” (Spring Sutra 11:26–29)
Medium Devotion
The Medium Algorithm cult, like most localized practices, has a specific sub-routine of morning devotion. It goes:
- Check for “notifications”
- Check stats
- Click to “drill down” on the stats of latest story with the hope that somehow it has miraculously updated from what was displayed on the previous screen
- Check notifications again
- Check Medium Partner Program
- Check notifications
- Look at the Home Page
- Click on “New From Your Network > people”
- Read and “clap for” an article
- Check notifications
- Check stats
That series of steps is known to the Medium devotee as a “cycle”. Completing it nine times in a day is called a “novena”. Doing it ten times is called “hitting for the cycle”. Doing it more than ten times is called “OCD.” More than 20 is “pathological,” and greater than 25 is called “off your meds”.
Medium devotees often sing the “Song of the Algorithm” to themselves internally while performing the cycle. The supplicant recites:
Let me be curated Let me be found Let me be distributed All the way ‘round
Oh, Mathematica Oh, Medium Oh, Algorithm Above
Give me acknowledgement Give me claps Give me love
Names of Algorithm
As seen in the above hymn, Algorithm goes by many names. The moniker of the goddess is as variable as the people who follow her. Her name may be further refined through specific epithets. A non-exhaustive list of the names includes:
- Algorithm
- Mathematica
- Mathematica Parthenos
- The Feed
- Siri
- Alexa
- Medium
- News
- Hal
- SkyNet
- The computer
- My phone
- Here, in the browser
Increase in Algorithm
The Algorithm cult is the fastest growing Suburban cult in the world. In their 2018 study, Allsion McFreaky and the Elusive Doctor “A” compiled a comparative list of Suburban cults to demonstrate the growth in Algorithm devotion.
Depictions of the Goddess
As always, Algorithm represents a complex abstract and perhaps mystical reality that cannot be properly depicted in human terms. That doesn’t stop us from trying. The goddess is often depicted in one of three female phases. Here are some typical examples:
The Goddess as “maiden”:
The Goddess as “matron”
The Goddess as “crone”
The notes for this class can be found in Canvas with all of the presentations, lectures, and texts. The fact that you can’t get to them isn’t really my problem, is it?
The test will be on Friday. Please don’t cheat. I know you’ll cheat. Remember, you are only cheating yourself when you cheat. Well, that’s not really true. You’re also cheating the Mushamaguntic Online Normal school out of the opportunity of failing you and making you retake the course for another $1,200.00,
Don’t forget to fill out the course survey. I’ll read them when I’m drunk.
A Plug for the Work Nobody Reads. It’s OK, really. I’m fine with people not reading it, even though I hoped it was going to be made into a comic book AND a movie.
