Suburban Shamanism and the Fourth

The Fourth of July is an important holiday for a suburban shaman because several sacred tasks have to be completed almost simultaneously. If you are unfamiliar with Suburban Shamans, you should take the survey course:

On the fourth of July the lawn has to be mowed and in good order, the grill must be clean, and a bucket, in good repair, has to be found in the tool shed (“kiva”). This bucket is used in a ritual called “fingers of fire” in which the shaman yells at everyone to “stand back” and then demonstrates exactly what not to do with duds (unexploded ordnance) by picking them up and throwing them in the bucket, which has been filled with hose water.

That might not seem like a lot to accomplish; lawn in good order, grill ready to go, bucket filled with water… but get this, The shaman has to do this WHILE watching Wimbledon, The Tour de France, MLB baseball, and, this year, the Olympic Trials. The rituals of mowing, grilling, and blowing things up have to be performed properly lest the “harmony” of the suburbs be broken. The most important component of each ritual is “presence”.

For example, when you are mowing the lawn you’re not supposed to plan the path of your mower. If distracting thoughts of a perfectly manicured lawn twice the size of your current yard come into your brain, you are supposed to allow them to dissolve like clouds. Remember, “the mower makes the pattern” and the grass “waits patiently to be cut”. You set the level on the mower, then feed it gas and oil. The grass “cuts itself,” despite what your partner says to the contrary.

Presence in grilling is underscored by the maxim, “Never leave the grill.” The shaman is required to stand before the grill holding the spatula (“Hera-Hame-Ha”) or grilling fork (“Grilling Fork”) with the thumb and forefinger connected. This is called the “cosmic mudrane” (a portmanteau of mudra and mundane). It reminds us that the grill, the chicken parts, the fire, and the credit card debt are all “one.”

Remember that you have to make four libations during the day. Spilled coffee because you’re walking too fast across the living room carpet with a mug counts as the first libation, the second and third should be from your choice of beverage onto the well-cut lawn, and the last comes when you say “I’m really drunk, I should drink a lot of water before going to bed” and then drink 3/4 of a glass of water, get disgusted by the taste of water, and splash the last 1/4 into the sink.

The reason you make four libations is because 4 is the most sacred number of Suburban Shamanism.

All on Fours: Why Four is a Sacred Number

1. There are four Yodels in two packs of Yodels.

2. Bobby Orr and Lou Gehrig both wore the number four.

3. There are four ages of man: pre-adolescence, adolescence, prolonged adolescence, and calcified adolescence

4. There are four sacred foods: salts, sweets, fats, and umberglocken (the food of the gods that’s salts, sweets and fats all rolled into one — many scholars believe that the ancient texts are really talking about a french fry milk shake).

5. There are four sacred waters: sugar water, fire water, waste water, and “the water soon to be waste water” (beer).

6. The shaman always carries four totems: keys, wallet, nail clipper, and a carney roll of receipts and ATM slips

7. Eight is a pregnant number made up of two fours. When laid on its side it represents the infinite, but when broken apart at the center it creates two zeros — which represent the number of the Chief and non-being at the same time. Two pregnant eights, called “twin Venus”, make four fours, or sixteen, which is the sacred square of the Grand Prix Wizard of checkerboard square. Are you guys getting this or should I slow down?

8. An eight laid on its side not only represents infinite but also makes two boobies, if you look at it right, which reminds me that there is a “four” in “foreplay” but none in “fucking”… which is probably why suburban shamanism has so few followers.

9. The are four bases on a baseball diamond, four Aces in a deck of cards, four cylinders in most of the cars you can afford, and four items too many on this list.

10. Shash, the bear, is a four footed animal.

11. When a suburban shaman comes out of her house she must return four times. After looking to the East, she remembers that she has forgotten to take her lunch. After getting her lunch and looking to the West she remembers she has forgotten her keys/wallet/purse. After getting her keys/wallet/purse and looking to the South she remembers she has forgotten her gym bag. After getting her gym bag and looking to the North she returns to the house because she has forgotten that it is Saturday.

12. We end with twelve because it is a multiple of the sacred number of the suburban shaman (4) and the number of Nimrod (3)… which is the triangular number of negativity because it is “odd” and when laid on its side doesn’t just look like boobies but IS boobies, the boobies of the Grand Prix Wizard of checkerboard square before the passion play at Oberammergau.

Why are you still reading?