Reading The Art of War So I Can Win My Relationship Battles
“If my wife wants a war, she’s going to get one!”
My wife, bless her heart, has nagged me about the many ways I misunderstood her recycling organization methods for the last time. This past month she has failed to notice that my recent reading material, The Concise Art of Seduction, is a cleverly disguised copy of The Art of War. If Sun Tzu’s masterpiece of military stratagem can teach soldiers how to manage conflicts and win battles, then surely it can help me win at least one argument. After all, if love is war, then strategies and tactics should be as acceptable in one as in the other.
I just hope she never finds the translations I’ve put in the margins.
“Begin by seizing something which your opponent holds dear; then he will be amenable to your will.”
Translation: I’d be much happier when she drags me out of the house on Saturday to look at the cherry blossoms if she includes Baskin Robbins on the itinerary.
“Great results can be achieved with small forces.”
Translation: Size doesn’t matter. I’m not just saying that because it benefits me, ancient philosophers agree.
“Rewards for good service should not be deferred a single day.”
Translation: When I fold my underwear and put it into the proper drawer, pat my head, and say I’m a good boy.
“Appear weak when you are strong and strong when you are weak.”
Translation: The trick has been to miss the ball on purpose when we play miniature golf so that she always has that one thing she thinks she’s better at than me. There’s nothing wrong with a healthy ego.
“Ponder and deliberate before you make a move.”
Translation: It’s important to always cite your sources. If you’re going to win the argument, remember to take note of older fights and mistakes so you can use them to attack at the appropriate time. When she says, “Oh really, when did I do that?” Counter with a date and time.
“There are roads which must not be followed, armies which must not be attacked, towns which must not be besieged, positions which must not be contested, commands of the sovereign which must not be obeyed.”
Translation: Don’t bring up that fight from two years ago that nearly ended in divorce. I know I shouldn’t have told your mother that the next time she wants to come over, we’ll summon her in the bathroom mirror by holding a lit candle and whispering, “Why did you marry him?” three times in a row. It was a joke!
“It is easy to love your friend, but sometimes the hardest lesson to learn is to love your enemy.”
Translation: When she always takes the opposite side to any opinion I have, I know she’s just trying to play devil’s advocate. So I should stop picturing her as the literal king of the underworld every time she does it.
“The wise warrior avoids the battle.”
Translation: The reason I’m sitting in the bathroom instead of helping prepare dinner is that I’ve helped her enough times before to know that sometimes the best help I can offer is no help at all.
“To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.”
Translation: We’re going to start looking like each other after a few years.
“In the midst of chaos, there is also opportunity.”
Translation: When she realizes halfway through the argument that she is wrong and starts calling me an idiot, this is the time to strike! Bombarde her with facts that she can’t deny. Victory is near.
“One may know how to conquer without being able to do it.”
Translation: Nobody can destroy me more emotionally more than she can. That goes both ways. With great power comes great responsibility. Just because I can win the fight, doesn’t mean I should. It’s ok to know in my heart I could have won while she’s gloating. Totally the same.
“Anger may in time change to gladness; vexation may be succeeded by content. But a kingdom that has once been destroyed can never come again into being; nor can the dead ever be brought back to life.”
Translation: Relationships are like Ron Weasley’s wand; even if you tape it back together after it’s been broken, it’s not going to work like it used to.
“If ignorant both of your enemy and yourself, you are certain to be in peril.”
Translation: When was the last time I asked her what her favorite color was? It’s probably changed since I last asked. Probably a lot of things have changed. Does she even love me anymore? If I have time to binge-watch reruns of Community, I have time to learn more things about her so she doesn’t leave me for Joel McHale.
“Even the finest sword plunged into salt water will eventually rust.”
Translation: Fine! A gym membership for both of us wouldn’t hurt.
“Pretend inferiority and encourage his arrogance.”
Translation: If I suddenly start winning an argument, I should be skeptical.
“The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.”
Translation: Calling it a fight implies there’s a winner. In the end, if one of us wins, we both lose.
Ultimately, I’ve learned that the art of war and the art of winning fights in a relationship both require the same tactic. Pick your battles.
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