Holiday Projects Brought To You By The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse

“Fun activities to distract you from the end of the world!”

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are joining in the holiday fun this year, making their presence abundantly clear. Unfortunately Pinterest is a little behind the times when it comes to the end times, so how can you celebrate the holidays when a horseman is near? Here are some fun little projects to make the holidays extra special in case they are the last time you get to celebrate some version of them.

Easter with the Horseman of Pestilence (The “Pestilence Bunny” if you’re trying not to scare the children)

DIY Easter Bunny Effigy Make some Easter bunnies from the supplies you can easily access. To make the body and tail, dip cotton-balls in iodine for that sickly yellow color. It also helps to stick them to the paper! Scrunched up hand wipes, with a little hot glue, makes for the perfect bunny ears. Pop an Ibuprofen on for that cute little pink bunny nose.

Zoom Easter egg hunt Get together with your friends and hide eggs in the background of where your camera is facing during the hunt. Then call all your kids over to the computer and let the hunt (in a conference setting) begin! When a kids spots and egg they have to claim it via shouting, as kids do best, into the computer.

Dye It Healthy! To keep the infection rate down, gather some old cough medicine you have lying around and poor them into different cups. Pre-boiled eggs can be dipped in codeine red or NyQuil purple for a fun and DIY egg-dyeing project. Tip: A recent popular choice has been the Buckley’s brown; it tastes awful, but it’s hue is gorgeous.

Halloween with the Horseman of War

A Few Good Costumes 2020 Silly monster costumes are, like, so last year. Dress your kids up as something a lot scarier, their favorite global superpower. For that distinct United States Marine camo color, spray paint with Dark Charcoal, Shadow Orange, Cinereous Gray, and Feldgrau Green. Use a square hole puncher to get that digital BDU effect. Your kids will love doing drills and saluting officers more than the candy!

Pumpkin Country Carving A brightly lit Jack o’ lantern is an excellent addition to any home this holiday. This cut-out template (PDF) contains Chinese, American, North Korean, and Russian flags for download. Pin the paper to the pumpkin, carve it, and peel it off for a quick and easy Jack O’ War with barely any mess.

Disclaimer: Avoid carving doves, olives branches, or hands holding up two fingers unless you want your pumpkin smashed.

Golden Apple Bobbing Teach your kids the history of the Trojan War. Cover a dozen apples in some cheap 24k gold leaf you have balled up in your kitchen drawer. Throw them into a bathtub full of water and watch your kids go wild, trying to pick them up with their teeth.

Thanksgiving with the Horseman of Famine

Vegetable-free Greens (for Kids) The locusts swarms of 2020 are a big problem, but also a great opportunity. Your kids may be jumping for joy at the decimation of all global vegetables, but they still need their greens. Place discarded insect husks into a plastic bag and crush them with the back end of a spoon. Add some gelatin and pour onto a baking sheet. Cool overnight and cut them into jellied blocks of protein. Don’t color them green, though, or your children will think they’re healthy. You don’t need to give them two reasons to go “Ugh!”

Plentiful Pagan Altar Harvests have been sparse this year. Throw an old black sheet over an unused side table and create an alter. If you’re lucky, you can invoke the spirit of the Horned God to provide good fortune for next year’s crops. The planet and your stomach will thank you later. Though whatever you choose to sacrifice to please Him probably won’t.

Thanksgiving Family Football Games You don’t have enough money to pay for sports channels or internet to watch the real games, but you can make your own. Sit at your dinner table put two hands together, and make your fingers like a goalpost. Encourage your family to make as many field goals as they can. The winner gets the last protein block!

Christmas with The Horseman of Death

Advent Calendar Counting down the days to the end of the world? Follow the instructions below to fill each day of an old advent calendar with discarded bones. Each day the kids can open it up and start their collection! Spend Christmas morning putting them together, and completing the final design. (Spoilers!: It’s a skeleton!)

Gingerbread Cookie Scythes Nothing will make Death happier when he arrives down your chimney than some scythe-shaped cookies. He may feel right at home and may spare your family. Good luck!

Wine Bottle Vases Paint your empty wine bottles black to match the rest of the décor and stencil on any Deathmas related words; Ecocide, Regicide, and Homicide are some suggestions. Once they’re dry, fill the bottles with some dead branches from outside. Voila! Now you have festive vases that everyone will be jealous of.

Staying positive and adapting to our environment is something humanity excels at. Especially in the face of overwhelmingly terrible odds, and absolutely everything trying to annihilate us.

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