CULTURE|RELATIONSHIPS|POLITICS

“Strong Family Ties” or “Strong Family Lies” (or Something Like That)

What family is “supposed” to be is generally not the reality I see

I recently had a heated conversation about the differences I’m seeing here in Germany (and other European countries) versus America when it comes to family.

A German man with whom I was speaking felt that Americans, on average, had close ties with their family.

I begged to differ.

I dug into my mental archives and tried to think of those in America whom I know personally who consider themselves close to their family.

There were very few.

There are quite a few people I know who wish that they were closer to their family, myself included.

As an adult, my friends (including some of their family) have become my family.

I knew from my years as a licensed massage therapist, countless stories and training in physical therapy that the vast majority of elderly people in America are put into retirement homes.

Too often, few, if any of their family, not even their kids, make the time to visit.

I think that one of the biggest reasons families in America are more estranged from one another is the social system.

It’s not set up in a way that makes family a priority.

Almost everything is closed on Sundays and holidays in Germany.

Why?

So that it’s easier to spend time with your family.

Beyond religious reasons, many associate Sundays as a time for family, and cultural opposition to Sunday opening is particularly strong. Michael Lind, the managing director of three Nahkauf (Rewe) supermarket franchises in Berlin, told DW that it was good for his employees to have their Sundays free.

“Sunday is still a day where you do a little something with the family,” he says. “If you are now open every day, well, say the husband of a worker is a painter and he has Sundays off but his wife is a saleswoman and now she has to work on Sundays, then family life is disrupted.”

This is such a foreign concept for me as an American.

The German guy I mentioned earlier said that he knew 5 or so families in the United States who all seemed pretty close.

Despite what I’ve personally observed over the years and studied as a social science major, I decided to objectively research the topic to see what was revealed through current research (within the past 10–15 years) about America’s family ties.

Here are some highlights from the best article I found on the topic:

At least 27 percent of Americans are estranged from a member of their own family, and research suggests about 40 percent of Americans have experienced estrangement at some point.

The most common form of estrangement is between adult children and one or both parents — a cut usually initiated by the child. A study published in 2010 found that parents in the U.S. are about twice as likely to be in a contentious relationship with their adult children as parents in Israel, Germany, England and Spain.

*This NYT article just so happened to mention Germany. I wasn’t looking for that.

The same article brings up some points that I hadn’t considered before that I believe are valid:

Part of the misunderstanding derives from the truth that we all construct our own realities, but part of the problem, as Nick Haslam of the University of Melbourne has suggested, is there seems to be a generational shift in what constitutes abuse. Practices that seemed like normal parenting to one generation are conceptualized as abusive, overbearing and traumatizing to another.

There’s a lot of real emotional abuse out there, but as Coleman put it in an essay in The Atlantic, “My recent research — and my clinical work over the past four decades — has shown me that you can be a conscientious parent and your kid may still want nothing to do with you when they’re older.”

One more important point this article makes that is a huge part of western culture, especially in America:

Coleman, the author of “Rules of Estrangement,” argues that a more individualistic culture has meant that the function of family has changed. Once it was seen as a bond of mutual duty and obligation, and now it is often seen as a launchpad for personal fulfillment. There’s more permission to cut off people who seem toxic in your life.

Here’s what the author of the article had to say that is extremely relevant as well:

I write about this phenomenon here because it feels like a piece of what seems to be the psychological unraveling of America, which has become an emerging theme of this column. Terrible trends are everywhere.

Major depression rates among youths aged 12 to 17 rose by almost 63 percent between 2013 and 2016.

American suicide rates increased by 33 percent between 1999 and 2019.

The percentage of Americans who say they have no close friends has quadrupled since 1990, according to the Survey Center on American Life.

Fifty-four percent of Americans report sometimes or always feeling that no one knows them well, according to a 2018 Ipsos survey.

One of the reasons I moved to Europe, and left many close friends and the family to whom I was close in America, is because I wanted to be a part of a social system that placed high value on things like:

• Low-cost education
• Universal health care
• Work/life balance
• Low-cost childcare
• Maternity and paternity leave
• High quality food and drink
• Quality time with loved ones

It’s funny because the republican party goes on and on about “family values”, but they tend to have a rigid idea what that means and don’t seem to respect the families of those whom they view as “outsiders”.

That is why I chose the title that I did for this story.

Too many family ties are really family lies (don’t even get me started on all the secrets and lies I’ve heard about within families over the years).

It doesn’t have to be that way.

Consider showing and/or telling someone you love that you love them today.

A few more stories that might pique your interest:

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