LIFE LESSONS|PSYCHOLOGY
Would You Make Different Decisions If You Could Relive Your Twenties?
That’s the question I’m answering and asking of you as well
Natasha Nichole Lake wrote this at the end of one of her brilliant stories:
Despite the chaos and flames, I wouldn’t relive or revise my 20s. Would you? Tell me about your 20s (or any decade that was transformative for you). What did you burn down? What did you grow? Don’t hold back.
There is no other prompt or invitation that has evoked such a strong, visceral response in me.
I have been ruminating and mulling over it for the past 3 weeks.
My body shows signs of stress by simply thinking about this topic…
My twenties
I was a hot fucking mess!
But I was a pretty damn happy mess the majority of the time…
Part of the stress in regard to talking about my 20’s is how to go about it.
I’ve already shared several stories that go into detail about the countless jobs I had. I’ll link them all at the bottom of this story.
I dug into the archives- literally and metaphorically- for this story.
Some of these photos are worth more than my words could ever say.
In my EARLY 20’s, I made some major life decisions that had strong impacts on the rest of my life.
For starters, I moved to Seattle, WA from Philadelphia, PA a few months before my 20th birthday.
EXCELLENT decision!!
I adored Seattle and it seemed to adore me.
However, I moved back to Philly shortly before I turned 21, which is when I cut off most of my hair.
I love caring for children and got along with them very well, but after babysitting since I was 11, I decided that I didn’t want to bear any children.
At 22 years old, I already knew that I didn’t want to commit the time, energy and money that it took to birth and raise a child in the United States (I’ve always considered adoption an option).
I never changed my mind.
That was one of the BEST decisions I’ve EVER made.
Shortly before I entered my twenties, I started reading a great deal of spiritual and philosophical books. I’d abandoned my Lutheran faith and was eating up all I could find about other faiths.
I believed in SOME kind of “God”, but didn’t know which one.
I began meditating regularly in order to get to know myself and God on deeper levels.
I cut most of my hair off because:
- I promised myself I would when I turned 21 to see what it was like
- I wanted to practice non-attachment, a tenet of Buddhism
- I didn’t know how to handle all the attention I was getting from men as a new “young adult” and thought it would make me less attractive to them
Cutting most of my hair off was incredibly LIBERATING-
As was firmly deciding not to have children.
However, getting married was not so liberating…
After knowing him for 3 days, I proposed to him.
I was “following my bliss”, as Joseph Campbell encouraged.
Yes, I loved him and still have love for him now (as a person and artist, nothing romantic), but we divorced 2 1/2 years later due to complications with the immigration process and my lack of desire to move to Miami, where he wanted to live.
We were in an open marriage.
That was my idea.
I felt that true love, real trust, did not try to possess or own.
By 28 years old, I gave up trying to be in polyamorous relationships.
They were too damn hard!
I rarely dated more than one person at a time during those years and that was enough…
Trust can be extremely difficult to build and easy to annihilate.
If I could do things differently, I would not have married him.
One of the best things about my moves to Seattle, Washington was that my mom, who rarely left Philadelphia and didn’t like to fly, visited me in Seattle TWICE!
A few years later, she visited me in St. John.
I am still shocked that she flew to and from the Caribbean. It was awesome to have her there and show her around.
When I left Philly the first time, I burned many bridges with friends I’d known from high school.
We were literally and metaphorically going in different directions, especially after I dropped out of college as a second semester sophomore.
Another way I expressed my “non-attachment” was coldly letting go of those friendships that no longer served me.
I don’t regret ending most of those friendships, but I do regret the ways I went about it.
The friendships that survived my twenties are still thriving now in my forties.
Such as my longest friendship- with JA Vassili.
For this I am eternally grateful.
It was hard to stay in touch from long distances during those years!
Yes, we had the Internet and cell phones, which were JUST beginning to become common, but no smart phones.
Thankfully, the friends who stuck by me made letters, emails, packages and calls a priority, like me.
At 27 years old, I decided to move to St. John, Virgin Islands instead of Brazil and continue to work to save money for a film school that I wanted to attend in Los Angeles.
I do not regret this decision one bit!
My original plan was to stay in St. John for a year, then move to L.A.
However, I ended up falling in love with island life and a sailor who lived on his boat. He quickly became my boyfriend and remained so for the majority of the time I lived there.
Then things took a turn for the worse…
My brother was going through an exceptionally difficult period.
His kids were 16, 10 and 7.
I’m his only sibling (that we knew of then).
Like I said, I love children and wanted to be in Philly to help them all- more than I could from far away.
So I decided to move back to Philadelphia, but planned to stay for only 9 months, then return to St. John to be with my boyfriend.
It was all too much for the sailor dude.
He respected my decision to move back for my family, but was too afraid to even try to stay together long-distance.
And he was a real asshole about it at first which gutted me, especially because he was the nicest, sweetest guy I’d dated up to that point.
A few months later, while I was in Philly, he asked to get back together.
I refused.
That trust would take too long, if ever, to rebuild.
He had decimated it.
No regret there either.
My first year back in Philly was the last year of my twenties.
It was one helluva year too!
I forgot to mention that my last year in Seattle was a special one that ignited and fueled my desire to explore music- by performing live onstage.
My friends there had started multiple bands. I sang while playing tambourine at times in their groups.
When I returned to Philadelphia, I decided to get into the music scene by going to open mics and attending more live shows that I ever did before.
It was an incredible time, ripe with possibilities!
I started writing songs in my mid-twenties, but had only finished maybe 3.
By the time I turned 30, I think I’d written almost 20 full songs, and was hell bent on recording them in some way as soon as possible.
Believe it or not, I am an introvert.
Performing on stage was very challenging, but I believed in my music and wanted to share it with as many people as possible.
I taught myself guitar as well in order to understand my songs better and communicate about them easier with other musicians.
It also garnered me much more respect than when I used to just sing.
Drums are my favorite instrument to play, but guitar will always have my heart strings.
Teaching myself to sing better and play multiple instruments is one of the most remarkable gifts I’ve ever given myself.
I also love to paint and had some of my work shown in a small gallery, which was a dream come true.
Writing, starring in and directing a short film was another checked off of my list during that year.
Lastly, I wrote a book.
For two weeks straight, during the summer of 2006, months before my 30th birthday, I wrote a memoir.
My goal was to write it and self-publish it before I turned 30.
I had no idea how much writing a book would take out of me!?
I will say…I’m not proud of it…but I AM proud of the fact that I DID IT!
One of my drives to get it done as soon as possible was so that I could sell it at shows as part of my merchandise since I learned that merchandise it one of the top ways performers make money.
Venues don’t pay much, if anything, when you’re unknown.
That’s pretty much a wrap…However!
If I could do anything else differently it would be:
- Get my driver’s license before 30
- Get my Bachelor’s degree before 30
- Become a licensed massage therapist by mid-20's
- Be a nanny in a foreign country in order to earn money while learning another language and experiencing another culture
Here are the links I promised that feature more tales from my roaring twenties:
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