Stop Trying to Transform, Overcome, or Cope With Negative Emotions (And How to Actually Manage Them)
You’re really just reinforcing their presence
You can’t seem to let go of how your friend betrayed you years ago. Every time you hear their name in conversation, you immediately get angry.
Why can’t you let go of what they did all those years ago?
We’ve been conditioned from birth to kick that feeling of anger into the corner. Anger rears its head every time that name is mentioned.
Should we even try to stop feeling the pain? Why does the pain keep coming back?
Too many issues with labels
The labels of good and bad perpetuate the idea that certain emotions are (un)acceptable.
If we ask are these emotions really good or bad, how can we really know for certain? As humans, we love to label, categorize, and create identities. It usually just over-complicates life.
What if there is not a universal decree on these labels?
Labeling emotions makes it near impossible to process them. If it’s bad to feel a certain way, how can you adequately process and let go of how you feel about something?
I would even suggest asking why you dislike feeling certain emotions. Really ask yourself this. Can you come up with a genuine answer for why it’s bad to feel anxious?
We desperately search for good emotions and resist the bad ones. Seeking is antithetical to happiness. Seeking is the denial of how you feel. If you’re feeling sad, you desperately hope to find a way to feel happy.
Resisting “negative” emotions reinforces their presence
It’s pointless to try and control how you feel. They’re like waves in the ocean that will continue to lap against you.
It would be absurd to even expect someone to spend all of their time every day controlling how they feel. Imagine the amount of effort required.
This is the reason why the subconscious exists. It regulates the majority of our bodily functions (emotions included) so that we can continue to survive life each day.
The issue is that a lot of emotional baggage gets stuffed down in the subconscious. It’s like a reservoir that gets filled with garbage that doesn’t really belong there.
The years of neglecting to process the reservoir builds up to critical mass.
Getting triggered is an emotional reaction to the reservoir overflowing.
A seemingly trivial event might cause you to react disproportionately to a situation.
I get triggered when [girl I’m dating] leaves my home. I would feel sad, lonely, and anxious. I started asking myself when I felt this way before.
It’s the same feeling I’ve felt in previous relationships and earlier in my life. It all goes back to childhood neglect. I didn’t fully know until I asked myself this question.
Emotions aren’t who we are at a fundamental level. However, not accepting them is a form of neglect. I’ve written about this in another article, but it’s difficult to feel at peace when you can’t accept how you feel.
How to manage emotions
“Whatever you fight, you strengthen, and what you resist, persists.” ― Eckhart Tolle
Emotions are the guidance system of our body. No matter what, we’ll experience them.
It’s in our best interests to go ahead and fully embrace them, and not stuff them down.
The sensations in our bodies remind us that we’re alive. This is what it means to be human.
When you start accepting every emotion without a label, you begin to feel more present and grounded in reality. It will become easier to actually experience positive emotions.
When you can’t fully appreciate all the sensations, you can’t truly appreciate things like happiness, because you’ll always be worried when the feelings of anger or sadness will show up.
The benefits outweigh the physical sensations
Next time try not to judge an emotion or situation. If you feel sad, know it’s fine to feel that way. Of course, obsessively clinging to this feeling isn’t healthy either.
Emotionally well-rounded people don’t identify themselves with emotions.
Over the past few months, I have been taking the time to adequately process my feelings. This has resulted in a few changes:
- Improved confidence
- Motivated to accomplish goals
- More presence
Don’t get attached to processing emotions. The moment you feel like you need to do that, you’ll be desperately seeking a solution that will be out of reach. It’s okay to stumble on the way, but it takes time to let go.