Stop Trying to Belong Because You Already Do
When the need for approval and the fear of missing out fade away belonging is as easy as a Sunday morning cup of coffee
Creig Crippin says, “You will see the world by what you carry in your heart.”
Brene Brown says something similar, “If you go through life looking for evidence that you don’t belong, you’ll always find it.”
Belonging is a natural part of our human longing. It’s in our DNA (something about tribal needs for survival) and it’s in our hearts as we long to make sense of what life is about.
He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. (Ecclesiastes 3:11, NIV)
We are created to belong, the problem is some of us are trying to belong in the wrong places
You belong. I belong. If we didn’t we would not be here. I’m sure of that now, but I wasn’t always.
There are no accidents in creation, no mistakes. If you feel like you don’t belong, perhaps you’ve been looking in the wrong places or believing lies.
I once believed a lie.
It came out of a message I heard as a young girl, one that was repeated to me in jest but settled in my spirit and set me up for a lifetime of seeking to belong.
As the youngest and the ‘surprise’ or ‘bonus’ baby, I was often told I was a ‘mistake’ or ‘accident’. Words matter and they can make us feel special or they can wound and lodge insecurity in our hearts.
With all the wisdom turning the corner on this life can bring, I see now that this well-lodged lie set me up for a lifetime of seeking approval and belonging in wrong ways and places.
It’s only inevitable that rejection and disappoint follow when you look for your purpose and confirmation in others.
But I still believe there are people who ‘get’ me and so I still hold out hope that I will find them along the way. The problem comes when I seek them in the places I assume they will be.
I’m a Christian, which by my definition means I believe in Jesus Christ, so I tend to look for my tribe where Christians — or those who espouse Christianity — typically hang out: church.
It seems like I’ve always been looking for a church community or family. While there have been moments of belonging and community, to be sure, the church has been mostly a painful and unfulfilling place for me.
Even as I write these words I realize how badly I want that not to be true. I want the church to be where I belong. But belonging to a strict set of dos and don’ts and an unspoken list of things ‘real’ Christians don’t say or think has left me woebegone and far from belonging.
“True belonging is not passive. It’s not the belonging that comes with just joining a group. It’s not fitting in or pretending or selling out because it’s safer. It’s a practice that requires us to be vulnerable, get uncomfortable, and learn how to be present with people without sacrificing who we are. We want true belonging, but it takes tremendous courage to knowingly walk into hard moments.” — Brené Brown, Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone
I should have had my first inkling that the belonging I was seeking was with God and not necessarily men and women who ‘follow’ God when I was verbally accosted by a pastor who told me that if I wanted to please God I had to fit the mold of a good Christian woman.
I know now, almost 30 years later, he was a Pharisee, a spiritual bully, but that 25-year-old seeking-hard believer didn’t fully understand that. So, despite the outcry in my heart, I tried to fit in and belong. I wore the dresses, I changed the diapers in the nursery, I used the appropriate Christianese and I attended — a lot.
But did I belong?
Maybe this is what belonging looks like
Looking back during those years of trying so hard, I think about the times I felt like I belonged: walking alone in the woods on Sunday morning before church. Pouring my heart out to God and finding a moment of peace before I had to rush into my ‘day of rest’ and worship where I would perform for the church leaders so as not to draw attention and criticism, serve for many hours, and return home exhausted, too depleted to enjoy time with my family.
I belonged when I knelt with elementary school children and prayed with them to understand how much God loved them.
I belonged when I could get lost in worship, hands raised to God, forgetting those to my right and to my left.
I knew I belonged that Christmas morning when we woke up to twelve pristine inches of fresh, untouched snow glistening in Christmas morning sunshine. Belonging that day felt like taking my kids sled riding in the backyard — glorifying God with giggles and awe — instead of stiff collars and slushy boots hauled off to church — where we were supposed to be.
Belonging is a cry of our hearts, but it’s one I’ve tried to fill on my own, not accepting that the ways and places I belong were never going to look like the ones I had conjured up in my mind. My life was playing out like a corny after school special, where I kept seeking to be picked by the cool kids, to be part of that popular clique, to find my tribe, when all along I ignored the signs of what belonging was for me.
Fear of missing out is a sign of misplaced focus
Persistent I am, so I kept trying. If I am quiet enough, I won’t be called opinionated by my sisters-in-law and I will belong. If I show up on time, go along with the program, and parrot the company mottos, I’ll be the ideal employee and I’ll finally belong.
Never mind that belonging often felt like championing the underdog and sticking up for the misunderstood co-worker, or voicing an unpopular opinion or lifestyle.
FOMO, or fear of missing out, drove me to keep looking for belonging. After almost 18 months of not attending church following a cross country move, FOMO became strong again.
I wonder if I am missing God’s call or purpose because I am not serving in a church? The drive to belong pushed me to find a place — to give church one more try. I even prayed, ‘God show me where I belong.’
It’s tough to strive to belong. Inevitably it backfires, you know.
Belonging is a lot like sitting in the sun enjoying the breeze when the butterfly lands on your arm. Striving to belong is chasing down the butterfly with a net and pinning it to a corkboard. You’ve got the butterfly for sure, but does it belong to you?
Life signs can include arrows, warnings, and detours
When we ignore them we can find ourselves lost, derailed, and a bit confused. I thought I was going the right way. Seeking to belong is a lot like that. It’s better to pay attention and sit with your discomfort until you hear what it’s trying to teach you.
What I needed to do was separate the need for affirmation and approval from the need to belong. It’s not an easy task; they were glued together tightly, seemingly with no delineation.
When I realized I could stop seeking affirmation and approval from everyone but God, (well Him too ‘cause I already have His approval and do not need to earn it) I assumed that meant I belonged nowhere. So inextricably entwined were the need for affirmation and belonging that I didn’t see they were different until a small fault line appeared. I paid attention to that crack in my heart and I am beginning to see them separate and distinguish themselves.
A lot of things have been falling into focus for me this way. It’s as if the understandings about life that I bunched and bundled together were blurred in their realities and now God is showing me the distinct differences. He’s showing me how what I wanted or thought I needed was right and good (like the desire to belong) but what that looked like to me was where my interpretation had gone awry.
Misinterpretation and dead ends are what you get when you try to meet your needs on your own
I recall a time in church when someone prophesied to me that I “see things clearly but don’t always have the correct interpretation.” Like Mary, the mother of Jesus, I held this in my heart and have pondered it often. It’s only been since I’ve taken the time to pay attention and listen that I’ve begun to see what this means.
I do belong, belonging is good and right, it’s just not what I thought it looked like.
If belonging becomes an idol, rejection is sure to follow. Especially if your desire is to love God.
He is a jealous God we are told, so He won’t let you become enamored with the approval of man. It will never satisfy anyway.
New ways of finding belonging
Other times when I know I’ve belonged resemble conversations that last for hours with someone you just met but you know ‘gets’ you. Or those times when someone you barely know drops a nugget of truth you needed to hear without a hint of condemnation or criticism, just purely a love to love and help others.
Belonging feels like a walk along the beach alone but not feeling alone at all.
Belonging is when your friend says to you, “I am the most secular person you’ll meet but your writing moves me.”
I know I belong when I am no longer interested in looking back or when regrets turn into lessons and criticism that once would have shamed me becomes, “Thank you for your opinion.”
Belonging feels like wherever I am I easily adapt, but coming home is belonging too.
“You are only free when you realize you belong no place — you belong every place — no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.” — Brené Brown, Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone
This story is published in Koinonia — stories by Christians to encourage, entertain, and empower you in your faith, food, fitness, family and fun.
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