Parenting Humor
Stop Taking Your Phone to the Toilet!
And other fun conversations I have with my son about technology
The age-old dilemma of parenting in the digital era! Technology is 100% part of our children's lives and with the rate of technology and AI advancements, we are naïve if we think we can raise them without exposure and maintain some semblance of sanity.
Parents are all in this together, like a team of explorers navigating uncharted waters, only to find our kids glued to screens instead of plotting treasure maps.
Parental ideals — we were dreaming
Remember those noble parental ideals we had?
I remember a conversation with two of my friends when our children were babies. One friend said she wasn’t going to let her boy play with toy weapons. I nodded emphatically and vowed to only let my child play with educational toys. By two, we had little warriors brandishing foam swords and wearing colanders as helmets.
Our plans for outdoor adventures and heart-to-heart chats have been hijacked by smartphones and game apps. I remember when we thought our kids would be out playing in the sun. Well, they are out in the sun, squinting at their screens and sharing virtual adventures with friends who are physically right beside them.
Together we have seven children and last we caught up, all seven had their heads down on a phone playing a game together. While they were still engaging with each other, it was not what we had in mind. It’s like technology slapped us with a reality check and then high-fived our kids behind our backs.
Despite our best intentions, technology is and will be a fundamental part of their lives.
Conversations in my house on repeat
The “In a minute” orchestra echoes throughout the house every time I ask for something to be done. It’s a cry of procrastination where “in a minute” means anything but a minute. Not only is said request NOT completed in a minute, but many more “in a minutes” are promised resulting in a cranky mother and one less device for my son. It’s as if he’s discovered a new unit of time that exists in a parallel universe.
We’ve tried all sorts of strategies to regain control: time limits, tech rations, and even employing a bucket as a device jailer. But let’s face it, these kids are tech-savvy ninjas. They outwit us with Bluetooth hacks and creative device smuggling. Last week, my son turned his room into a multimedia lounge, complete with a 24/7 YouTube channel courtesy of Google Home. Who needs sleep when you can binge-watch cat videos? It’s exhausting.
“Don’t take your phone into the toilet.” Let’s put aside the fact teenage boy hygiene is lacking, and you know those hands holding the phone will not be washed!
My offspring has turned toilet time into an epic saga. I mean, what’s going on in there? Is it a secret mission? A contemplative retreat? I’ve half a mind to consult a gastroenterologist because, seriously, who needs to poo that many times a day.
When I yell to slide the phone under the door, he has miraculously finished the poo marathon and comes out (sans hand wash) to reclaim his digital lifeline.
“You don’t need to turn your phone on every time your arse hits a chair.” It’s a conditioned reflex I’ve noticed in children and some adults. You sit, you reach for your phone. It’s like a Pavlovian response — chair meets arse, phone springs to life.
We are not good at being bored. Remember when people used to fill silence with an appreciation of our surroundings or engage in conversation? Now we’re like, “Oh, existential questions? Let me Google that for you.”
Recently I took my son on a 90-minute boat trip through the picturesque landscapes of New Zealand and the second we sat down, you guessed it. I had to encourage him to explore the boat and look at the scenery, but without fail, if there was a lull in conversation or action, the phone emerged!
Fighting a losing battle
Let’s look at the bright side. Sure, we’re waging a losing battle against the tech takeover, but there’s a silver lining: Technology is a life skill. That’s me putting lipstick on a pig, because let’s face it, we are fighting an uphill battle because institutions are increasingly requiring tweens to have a level of technological proficiency we only acquired as adults.
Schools expect kids to know how to navigate the internet, restaurants are going to contactless ordering — including McDonald’s (a separate addiction I’ll raise in a different article). To watch streaming services you need a degree to understand the TV guide and work rosters, and banking details are now via an app.
By prying their precious screens from their hands, we’re depriving them of valuable life skills.
Is my child addicted to technology — Absolutely!
Have I achieved a harmonious tech-life balance? Not even close.
Do we secretly rely on their tech skills to save us from setting our house on fire while trying to set up the smart oven? You betcha.
We’re all just tech hostages in a digital age, waving the white flag while secretly hoping our kids will one day design the next million-dollar app. Until then, remember to put down the phone, embrace the fresh air, and don’t let your bathroom visits turn into a three-act play!
Kristy is a Corporate Executive and Board Director with a passion for CX, UX, and AI. In her other life, she writes about midlife trials and tribulations, parenting, and general musings on life.
