HUMOR

Stop Serving Your Family Pork Butt

Be mindful of what you call your dishes

Whether we like it or not, we’re eating at home more than we have in years. So, let’s lay off the food with disgusting, nauseating names. Why make meal-time miserable? Hasn’t 2020 sucked enough?

Here’s a few meals I was force-fed as a kid. They scarred me for life and I’m breaking the cycle.

Please consider doing the same for your family. It’s the compassionate thing to do.

Pork butt

How did this get its name since it’s actually meat from the upper part of the pig’s shoulder? Is this some kind of sick joke? Regardless, it ruined BBQ for me forever. And what self-respecting person would go along with the repulsive name and serve it to their family? Did June Cleaver call Wally and The Beave in for some hot, delicious pork butt? I think not.

Sh*t on a shingle

Well, if this doesn’t get everyone excited about dinner, I don’t know what will. *eye roll* Who doesn’t love to eat sh*t? Everyone knows what happens after you eat shi*t. You die.

The sad thing is, it looks more like vomit, which is exactly what I wanted to do every time my mom made this.

Rump roast

Um … yeah. Like I really want to eat ass. Enough said.

Loose meat sandwiches

This revolts and humors me at the same time. It conjures up thoughts of saggy penises and the slut down the street. I don’t want to put either in my mouth.

Hobo dinner

This was a huge name-fail. I never aspired to be a hobo, nor eat like one. The fact that it’s made over a fire in a garbage can does not add to its appeal. Sadly, I have many friends and family who get excited about hobo dinners. It’s an event in the Midwest.

Ugli fruit

This is when I stopped trusting my mom. What’s she trying to do here? She always preached, “You are what you eat.” I wasn’t going to touch it, but I suspect Veronica “Vicious” Vaughn, the school bully, ate a lot of it.

Artichoke

My throat gets tight just saying it.

Cock-a-leekie soup

This soup made of chicken, leeks, and potatoes could have been good had a syphillis sufferer not named it.

Ham hocks

The word “hock” makes me gag. I grew up with a brother who bragged about hocking up a loogie.

Scrod

I grew up on a lake and love fish, but my mom made a lot of scrod. Why couldn’t she just say cod? Scrod sounds like the gunk that collects under an unwashed scrotum.

Bratwurst or Liverwurst

As soon as you name something that sounds like “worst”, you know it isn’t going to be the best. I’ll pass.

Poutine

I actually used to like this. French fries with cheese curds and gravy? Yum! Then, I entered junior high and found out poutine was slang for a vagina.

Spam

Growing up, this was the mystery meat and I wasn’t intrigued. The possibilities of what it really was terrified me. Nowadays, we program our computers to get rid of spam so we don’t even have to look at it. Should of done that years ago.

Kumquat

Where pornography meets an exercise to tighten up our butts. Who’s hungry? Not me.

Takeaway

Families gathering for dinner is a precious time. Treat it as such. It’s a time to share our experiences and ideas. It bonds us at the end of the day. No phones. No hats. And please, take the genitalia and bodily fluids off the table.

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