Ladies, Shop for Mr. Right Like He’s Underwear

Don’t Let Men Get Your Panties in a Twist

If you’ve spent any amount of time shopping for the perfect panty — or man for that matter — you know what it feels like to have rejects in your drawers. Shopping for men and skivvies can go smooth as silk or be a major pain in the ass. Sometimes you just want to stop the madness and find the perfect fit.

We all have our own tastes and what suits me, may not suit you. To each their own, but it’s always good to be able to identify what type of man or unmentionable we’re sizing up to bring home. If you evaluate the variety of men like the variety of underwear options, you can steer clear of the ones bound to get your knickers in a knot.

The Thong

This guy makes you stare. You just can’t help yourself. I mean, he’s so confident. And hot. Like, you-could-fry-an-egg-on-his-ass hot. There’s nothing shy about this one. But let’s be honest.

He’s not for every day.

Maybe just Saturday nights.

For like fifteen minutes.

Any longer than that, he’s bound to be crawling up your ass about something.

The Cheekie

Oh, the cheekie! Sort of like a mullet. PTA in the front, Spring Break in the rear. Your mother will love him until she sees him from all sides. The relationship starts out great, but the cheekie isn’t as innocent as he seems. You think you have him all figured out and then he turns his back on you.

Bottom line: He’s untrustworthy. When you least expect it, he becomes a creeper.

The Hipster

I understand the hype over the hipster. He’s modern and comfortable. Cute and a bit boyish. Likes to keep a low profile. He’s flirty and playful. Gets along well with others. Very popular and a safe choice.

Crotchless

Well, he’s a riot, but use caution. He can make some activities, like watching baseball on wooden bleachers, dangerous. There’s a hole in his story, but he’s exciting and makes you feel like a dirty girl in a really good way. Gentle reminder: you don’t want to show him off everywhere you go. He’s fabulous for a night of kink, not recommended to take to church, a family reunion, or while visiting a prisoner.

Bikini

My personal favorite. He’s super versatile, sexy without being over the top. Think the boy-next door with a hint of cheek. He’s the all-around guy. If he seems too tame, don’t forget you can always opt for his racy brother, the string bikini, when you feel more daring! The bikini is perfect for days you want to lounge in joggers and a tee . He can also accompany you to elegant evenings in your fanciest dress. He likes to snuggle, but won’t invade your personal space.

Boyshort

You take one look at him and decide he’s too square, but hey, give him a chance! Nerdy guys can be the sweetest! Sometimes guys get cuter the more you’re around them. This one puts you at ease. He’s perfect for a night in or as back up on a stormy day in a floaty skirt. Literally, he has you covered!

G-String

And then there’s this guy. I roll my eyes just thinking about him. He’s a looker, I’ll admit that, but once you get close to him, he’ll be right up your ass.

All. The. Time.

He’s the one you complain about to your girlfriends in whispered tones. They don’t know what you’re talking about. Nobody ever sees him around. They question if you really have a boyfriend or just making him up.

Plus, he’s fickle. One minute he’s popping up a tent in your secret garden, the next, he leaves your ass hanging out in the wind.

Brief

If you’re searching for an easy, comfortable relationship, don’t let the name fool you. The brief may be the one you want to stick around for a while. Think of this guy as Mr. Dependable. He’s got your butt covered. And your front. Sometimes even your middle. Rethink date nights as eating in and binge-watching Netflicks. While he’s not the most exciting, he’s easy to get along with. Perhaps because he’s a bit old-fashioned, he and your granny get along famously!

Shaper in lieu of panties

We’ve all made this mistake! He’s the one we think will make us look more attractive at a party. We’re eager to be with him, anticipating the appreciating looks we’ll get with him hugging our curves. About halfway to the event, we realize he’s so clingy he’s suffocating us. We limp into the event hall sweaty and out of breath. The minute we get a chance, we excuse ourselves and take him to the restroom. After much swearing and hair pulling, we leave him in the trash where he belongs.

Commando

Some ladies swore off men and panties a long time ago. They enjoy their uncomplicated life and the freedom that goes along with it. The only thing on their wish lists are breezy days and horseback rides.

Yee-haw!

The Bottom Line

I’m not going to shame you for how you fill your drawers. I only ask you to not stick with anything or anyone that makes you uncomfortable. And one more thing, you don’t need to explain your choices to anyone. Contrary to a diva named Victoria, it’s YOUR secret, not anyone else’s.

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