Stop over-functioning for others
People pleasing is a serious problem, especially when it leads to destructive and damaging over-functioning.
by: E.B. Johnson
Over-functioning is a serious problem, and one that can seriously destroy our sense of self and purpose. When we over-function, we take on the needs and emotional responsibilites of everyone around us — whether they want us to or not — and avoid our own emotional healing and release by burying ourselves in the calming of others. It’s a distaction tactic and one that leaves us feeling isolated and detached from the things we truly want in this life. Getting past it takes honesty, and it takes embracing discomfort, however, and that’s not something that comes easy to anyone.
If you truly want to move past your need to constantly tend to others, you have to get to the root of the experiences and beliefs that keep you chained in their thrall. We are each responsible for our own actions, reactions, behaviors and decisions; and that includes the emotional side of things as well. Getting happy means letting go of our compulsive urge to make others happy, and start getting comfortable with their discomfort. When we only see to making things easy for others, we forget to make things easy for ourselves. Tend your own garden for a little while and try letting go of your need to please.
What is over-functioning?
Over-functioning is one of the unique ways in which we undermine our own happiness in our desperation to please or serve others. It happens when our fears, insecurities and anxieties get the better of us — causing our brains to go on autopilot and resort to the most expedient means of satiating everyone around it. The problem with this, however, is that it cultivates the unhealthy belief that we are responsible for the emotional and physical burdens of those we care for most — something that’s critically damaging to our authentic sense of self.
Over-functioning manifests in a number of different ways, but they all result in the same thing: unbalanced relationships and disappointed expectations. In order to avoid those pitfalls, it’s critical that we take a deep look within and identify the experiences and insecurities that lead to our belief that we must care for others at the cost of ourselves. While over-functioning might seem like productivity — for a time — it’s truly just a distraction from resolving the things that matter most. If we really want to be happy in our own right, we have to get to the bottom of those things that cause us to dissociate and destroy ourselves.
The roots of people-pleasing.
The roots of our compulsive need to comfort others runs deep, and they often stem from places like our childhood experiences and the relationship traumas we experience as adults. Everything we go through is formative, in the way it impacts how we see ourselves and our relationships. Learning how to surpass our over-functioning requires increasing our understanding both of its effects and the places from which it blossoms. Preserve your happiness by learning to recognize the places that gave birth your fears and insecurities.
Childhood experiences
Childhood trauma is caused by any situation in which a child perceives that they are in an extremely frightening, dangerous or overwhelming position. Traumatic events cause children to feel helpless and scared in a way that is far beyond their mental and emotional processing. These situations can occur in one-off events like natural disasters and injuries — or they could occur from regular instances of physical, sexual and verbal abuse. All these events can bring on symptoms of emotional and psychological trauma, and all of these events can haunt children well into their adult lives.
Historical trauma
Traumatic events — no matter when they occur in life, no matter how they occur — can cause serious dents to sense of self. From catastrophic acts of nature to adult experiences of extreme violence or emotional trauma, there are a number of ways in which our experiences impact the way we behave with and interact with others. It’s imperative that we address the emotions attached to these experiences when they occur, in order to avoid issues later on in life.
Romantic experiences
Our romantic experiences can do a lot to dictate how we behave in later relationships. If you go through a lot of emotional trauma with a partner, it can skew your sense of self and cause you to see all relationships that are something entirely on your shoulders alone. Partnerships, however, take the work and the damage of both partners in order to succeed or fail. True romantic happiness only occurs when both partners become accountable for their romantic joy.
Anxiety disorders
Anxiety disorders, too, can do a lot to impact how we form relationships and how we maintain them. If you suffer from an undiagnosed or unaddressed anxiety disorder — it can lead you to react in self-defeating ways or form inappropriate attachments that lead to later problems later on down the road. Our anxiety is especially dangerous, because it gets in the way of who we truly are. When suffering from one of these many disorders, the help of mental and medical professionals can be invaluable.
Most common forms of over-functioning.
When it comes to over-functioning, there are a few ways in which we generally tend go over-the-top. These can range from intense partner care to taking on any and every challenge that comes your way. No matter how this incessant fear manifests, the results are the same: are more detached you, removed from the person inside and the things that really matter.
Over-caring for a partner
Over-caring for a romantic parter is a major indication that you’re over-functioning in ways that you shouldn’t be. Our partners are not children. They are adults that are entirely capable of handling their own lives in entirety. If you make sure that your partner or spouse wakes up or goes to bed on time, or if you take care of all their basic needs like eating, laundry or basic scheduling — there might be something buried deep that needs to be addressed. After all, you’re their equal, not their parent.
Constantly catering to emotional needs
Constantly find yourself catering to the emotional needs of those around you? This need to do all the emotional labor usually comes from a place of fear; fear that the other person will suffer, fear that they’ll blame you for their suffering, fear that you’ll lose them through the pain. There are a million different ways we make excuses for bearing the emotional burdens of everyone around us (including gender stereotypes) but most of them are simply excuses for a deeper issue.
Biting off more than you can chew
Volunteering for the hardest parts of work, never saying no, or always taking a leadership role are other common ways in which over-function out of a sense of fear or out of anxiety. Over-working allows us to detach from uncomfortable emotions and make excuses that prevent us from doing the work that growth and transformation require. It’s a smoke screen for deeper issues that need to be addressed.
Fear of silence
Fear of silence is one of the more subtle ways in which we tend to over-function. If you’re someone that always finds themselves compulsively talking to prevent any silence, you might have deeper issues that need to be addressed. Likewise, having a need to be the life of the party, or keep everyone entertained, can also come from a skewed sense of self or skewed sense of emotional responsibility.
Doing, doing, doing
Ever find yourself doing, doing, doing — even when you have nothing left to give? This is one of the most common ways in which we over-function, and it occurs because we feel a compulsive need to do everything for everyone. We cater to their needs — even if they’re entirely capable of seeing to their own needs. This over-accommodating is (more often than not) a trauma response, and one that is based neither in healthy nor realistic emotions and expectations.
Personal withholding
Personal withholding is one of the unique ways in which we over-function at the cost of our own happiness. This occurs when we hold back — even our own beliefs — in order to make others feel more at ease or comfortable. This comes at a huge cost to self, and removes us further from the things that truly suit our needs. It can also open the door to abusive dynamics that further compromise both our happiness and our safety.
How to stop over-functioning.
If you’re a victim of over-functioning, there’s no need to despair. You can retrain your body, your mind and your emotions, and shape them into something that’s more serving of who you really are. These techniques, however, are simple and only a starting place when it comes to this reshaping process. Truly changing how we react and respond to those around us is an ongoing process that transcends any simple guide. Take the time you need and reapply these techniques over and over until you get a better sense of you and what you need.
1. Get real about your relationships
The first step in getting past our obsessive need to over-function for others takes getting real about our relationships. This can include our intimate relationships, our family bonds or even our professional partnerships. While they all have different dynamics, they can all trigger behaviors in us that are both self-destructive and counterproductive to creating our ideal future. If you want to move past your people-pleasing ways, you have to take a real look at your relationships and the way you behave in them.
Dig deep, and cultivate a new awareness about your relationships and the way you behave in both the best and worst ways. A lot of our worst over-functioning behaviors happen subconsciously, so they take a good, honest look in order to address. Consider what actions, behaviors, or conflicts trigger your obsessive need to take charge and take care of everyone but yourself. Don’t shy away from the uncomfortable aspects or the things that make flinch.
Our relationships can take a lot of time to break down, and the process itself is one that takes a lot of introspection. Relationships are important — no matter what form they take — and they do a lot to inform on everything from our emotional wellbeing to how we see ourselves and the world around us. They’re an important mirror by which we shift our perspectives to see ourselves more fully, but that doesn’t mean that they can’t also trigger some of the worst aspects of our inner-selves, or bring back serious traumas and the fallout they amass.
2. Decide who you want to be
Dropping your need to people-please and over-do it might start with an honest assessment, but it only progresses when you decide exactly who you want to be. Living life focused on your need to serve others leaves little time for you to develop a sense of sense. Discovering that authentic self can free you from your need to serve others at the cost of sacrificing yourself.
Find a quiet place where you won’t get interrupted and still your mind with some deep breathing. Close your eyes. Imagine the picture you had of your “grown-up self” when you were a child; now, compare it against the person you are today. Is there an ideal self somewhere in the middle? Consider the things you want to change, and the person you’d like to become in 10 years. That person may not exist now, but they can, once you get real about who you are and what you really want from life.
Repeat this practice, and really investigate what it is that matters to you. Only when you are honest about what you want from yourself can you start to build a plan and take steps to manifest the future you want. Think about the behaviors and actions you’re taking now. Are they leading closer to or further away from who you want to be? Reconsider those things that pull you away from the future that fits the ideal sense of self you’re creating. Serving others might be kind, but only to the point that it begins to take away from who you are and what you want.
3. Get comfortable with discomfort
One of the most important lessons we can learn in this life (as chronic over-functioners) is that we are not responsible for the constant comfort and ease of other people. A trauma response, many of us feel a constant responsibility for the emotional ease of others. This is an impossible burden to carry, however, and one that is neither productive nor fair in its dispersion. No matter how painful it might be, you have to start getting comfortable with the discomfort of others, and realize that everyone is responsible for their own journey.
Put yourself, consciously, in situations in which those you normally care for are forced to stand on their own. Start small, by not reminding them about that appointment, or refusing to clean up after the party you didn’t plan. You aren’t responsible for the care of others, but you’re only going to absorb that lesson by getting active in its application. Set some boundaries and let go little-by-little. That’s the only way you’ll learn it’s okay.
By investing in little efforts like this on a regular basis, you’ll eventually become more comfortable with things like saying no to that major family event, or dropping the need to constantly keep the conversation going. You’ll also see a space growing in your relationships, and within this space you’ll find that you are more able to flex and express who you are at the core of it all. Remind yourself each and every day (like a mantra) that are not responsible for the physical or emotional labor of everyone around you. It’s okay to say. Give yourself some space to thrive and give those around you the space to stand up and be accountable.
4. Resolve your own discomforts
Beyond getting comfortablt with the discomfort of others, you have to get familiar with a little discomfort of your own. Such is the nature of growth, that it constantly pushes us outside the bounds of what we’ve always known. Start digging into the root of your emotional ills and figure out the root of your own discomforts, so you can start thriving in the wake of your healing.
Consider the situations or personal conflicts that trigger discomfort or anxiety in your life. Do they come from a childhood trauma, or formative experience that taught you some harmfully untrue lesson? Compare those emotions against the reality of whatever situation you find yourself in. Are these negative thoughts and emotions based in a real and concrete threat? More often than not, the answer is no.
If you’re dealing with really deep-seated issues, a mental health professional can be an invaluable tool in dealing with the emotions that keep us chained to our need to over-function. They can help us, safely, peel back the layers of fear and anxiety and resolve their toxic and poisoned roots that damage our closest and most important relationships. Likewise, group therapies can go a long way in enhancing our perception of self, and can also help us to open up about experiences that damage our emotional wellbeing. There’s no right or wrong way to resolve the discomforts that trigger our need to please. All that matters is that we address it.
5. Look for opportunities to branch out
Looking for opportunities to branch out can be a great way to break from the patterns that allow us to over-function. By pushing ourselves outside of our normal patterns, we can identify new strengths and abilities that allow us to boost our confidence, as well as our sense of self. New opportunities also introduce us to new people, which can offer us the additional opportunity to shift the way we see ourself and the world around us.
Seek out new pastimes or activities that allow you to flex new creative or emotional muscles. Recreational courses, sports teams and even group meet-up’s can be a great way to not only meet new people, but learn new things about yourself that never fathomed before. Getting outside our comfort zones is the only way to push ourselves into new spaces and new opportunities. It’s also the best way to break the patterns that keep us chained to others.
As humans, we often carry a great deal of fear and anxiety around change or new things. This, however, is a misleading defense mechanism and one we have to overcome in order to thrive. Start small, and look for things that allow you to ease out of the normal routine little-by-little. Seek out activities or events that allow you to branch out independently, free of responsibility you feel to those that you might be closest to. Let your fear ease off, and become comfortable with the unknown. In this space, you’ll discover things within yourself that will allow you to become free.
6. Give yourself some space
One of the greatest gives we can give ourselves — when it comes to our over-functioning need to please or care for others — is the gift of space. Space is of great benefit when we find ourselves tied up in the anxiety or emotion of reaction and self-defeating behaviors. It’s also a great way to clear our minds and reassess the thing we want and the actions we need to take.
Give yourself some space from the most toxic relationships that trigger your need to please. This space can happen in just a few minutes each day, or it can take the form of a solo getaway. It’s entirely up to you, your means, and what you need. What matters is giving yourself enough alone time to get intimate with who you truly are. When we’re constantly in the presents of others, it’s hard to get in tune with ourselves. Take some space, take some time — and just breathe by yourself. A few minutes every day is a great place to start.
Find some silent time and focus on your breath. Let your feelings come to you as they are, and don’t try to detract from them or the way they’re attached to the actions and behavior of others. Feel them, and become more aware of your thoughts and the way they impact both your emotions and your reactions. Let them move you, but shift yourself away from the ones that take away from your overall experience, wellbeing or sense of self. Emotions and behaviors that serve others — without serving us — are pointless and destructive. Learn to let these go.
7. Distract yourself
Negative behaviors and reactions don’t seem to happen one at a time, they seem to happen in a cluster or a swarm. When the negativity gets too strong for you to handle, your trauma reactions switch on — reverting you to places you don’t necessarily want to go. Channeling those energies into something else can help to reshape the way you react and also the way you view yourself and your relationships. If you want to find true happiness again, start distracting yourself when things get tough.
Get yourself stuck into an activity that takes your mind off of the bad thoughts and redirect your energy into something more positive. Talking to someone is a good distraction, as well as going on a hike or traveling somewhere new. You can invest in new hobbies, activities or skills, or you can finally get that gym membership you’ve always thought about. Take all that anxiety and all that fear and run it out until you’re too tired to do, do, do. It’s a great way to stop your worst reactions before they have a chance to undermine your happiness.
There’s no one-size-fits all solution when it comes to distracting ourselves from the bad thoughts, just try to find something that speaks to your passions in a way that makes you feel happy again. Our brains are fickle, but also really manageable when we realize that we are the master’s of their processes. While mental and medical health professionals can also help us master these negative thoughts and behaviors, we can start to help ourselves by refusing to allow a backslide that pulls us down. Don’t let the negative emotions get to you, channel them into something that brings you benefit.
Putting it all together…
Over-functioning is a damaging way in which we seek to avoid the fear and insecurities that plague our lives. These shadows can come from a number of places, including childhood experiences and even the emotional trauma that comes with a bad breakup. Whatever the reason you decide to take on the emotional weight of the world, it pushes you further away from what you authentically need and want (in every case). In order to overcome this need to please and comfort everyone all the time, we have to learn to understand it and the various techniques we can use to reshape it.
Get real about your relationships and the roles you play within them. Take some time to consider who you are and who you want to be. One of the reasons that we feel so beholden to others is because we don’t know who we are or who we want to be. Learn how to get comfortable with the discomfort of others and stop taking responsibility for the constant happiness and ease of others. We are the only ones who can bear the burden of our own lives or our own emotions. Resolve the issues that lead to your insecurities, fears and anxieties. Branch out into new opportunities that allow you to build your self-confidence, and give yourself the space you need to recalibrate and figure who you are and what you want. We are the masters of our own happiness. Embrace that knowledge and live in its truth each and every day.
