Stop letting your partner take advantage of you

Boundaries are important, and they’re especially important when it comes to our romantic relationships.

by: E.B. Johnson

A strong relationship is one in which both partners stand united, equal in their contributions to themselves and to one another. When one partner begins to give more than they take (and vice versa) it leads to a serious imbalance of power and the inevitable resentment that all emotional dismissal brings.

We can build better, more equitable partnerships, by getting real and both what we want and and what we need — from our partners and ourselves. By taking a good, long look at what makes us tick, we can start to fall in love with ourselves and thereby see the worth and the value that we bring to the partnerships we are mutually creating.

Our tendency to give-up or give-in.

Romantic relationships are complex and nuanced, with a number of subtleties that can be difficult to navigate. Among these is the balance of power, and the way in which we manage the give-and-take that every partnership requires. When one partner begins to take more than they give, they take advantage of the other party and create an imbalance of power that leave both struggling to create a life that is both meaningful or fulfilling.

It’s important that the relationships we build are equitable and fair, but that’s something that takes the commitment of both partners, as well as each one knowing their personal worth. If we don’t value ourselves, it’s hard for others to value us. And that all comes down to our individual self-esteem, as well as how we value and balance our core emotional needs.

When we fail to look after our own needs within a relationship, or we put them on the back-burner for another person, it often leads to resentment and an inevitable implosion that only leads to further unhappiness. Creating better partnerships requires us to build better versions of ourselves, but that asks us to dig deep and spend a lot of time getting familiar with both what we want and what we value in a relationship.

Why we allow our partners to take advantage of us.

We don’t just wake up one day and decide to let our partners take advantage of us, it’s a process that happens slowly and (usually) as a result of a range of other underlying issues. When you have a complusive need to please, or just a shroud of guilt and low self-esteem, it can lead to believing you deserve less than you actually do. Part of the process of tearing ourselves out of these imbalances is getting understanding who we are and why we behave the way we do.

People-pleasing

When you’re a chronic people-pleaser, the needs and desires of everyone else come first and your own needs come second. As this cycle is perpetuated, it sends the same message to the people around you, and encourages them to take advantage of you and pile-up on you with their own problems, traumas and trials.

Boundary failure

Even the best-laid boundaries are useless if we fail to stick to them or enforce them. When we allow our boundaries to soften, or give even the slightest bit of leeway to someone who is looking to take advantage of us, it can lead to a number of repeat offenses and open up the door on hardships we aren’t prepared to deal with. The best policy is to retain your boundaries — no matter what and no matter who.

Shroud of guilt

Manipulators and abusers are some of the biggest offenders when it comes to taking advantage, and they often achieve their machinations through the use of guilt. When you put your needs in the place they should be, they become a threat to the partner who is doing what they can to take advantage. Threatened, they may lash out or make you feel bad for taking care of yourself.

Low self-esteem

Failing to love ourselves creates a low opinion of self-worth, and the limiting beliefs that you must allow others to take advantage of you in order to be liked. Loving ourselves is an important step in the journey, and the primary way we can protect ourselves against those who would take advantage of us.

Common signs your partner is taking advantage of you.

There are a number of signs that your partner might be taking advantage of you. From a failure to show respect, to little consideration or complete dismissal of what you are or what you want — these signs might indicate a partner who doesn’t appreciate you as much as they should.

Failure to show respect

Respect is the cornerstone of any relationship, and without it you’re certain to experience heartache, hurt feelings and explosive blow-ups. Being respectful in a relationship adds up to the little things, like thanking you when you’ve done something for the other party, or apologizing when things have gone wrong. Without this respect, there can be little equilibrium and balance (two things that are imperative for a happy relationship).

No time for connection

If you’re dealing with a partner who has no time for connection (except for when it’s convenient to their needs) — you’re dealing with someone who is taking advantage of you and your time. Relationships are about give and take, and that means taking mutual time out of your busy schedules to stop, connect and create meaningful experiences that allow you to bond.

All take and no give

Have a partner who just takes, takes takes? Someone who always asks for favors of time, energy, finances, etc. — but is never able to return the favor — is someone who is looking after their needs only. This constant one-sided compromise causes endless frustrations, and when one partner doesn’t pull their weight…it can lead to resentment and implosion.

Your needs come second

If your needs are always coming second to your partner’s, it means that they don’t appreciate you or value in the way that they should. When we truly care for someone, their needs are equally as important as our own. Though we are not responsible for our partners needs, we should always encourage them to meet those needs and encourage them to be happy, fulfilled and whole.

Zero effort

Relationship imbalances are common, and can occur in both longterm and short-term relationships alike. When we come into a partnership with a lot of unresolved emotional baggage or trauma, it leads to under / over-investment in your partnerships. You might feel like you’re the one putting in all the effort (or making all the plans) while the other person is just cruising by on easy street.

Fear of confrontation

Though we don’t always think of it immediately, fear of confrontation can be a major sign that you’re dealing with disadvantage in your relationship. When this happens, you’re too scared to say anything, because you fear you’ll make them angry or lose their love; this is a sign they’re taking advantage of you, or in it only for the benefits (rather than mutual enjoyment of getting your commitment and time). To them, you’re only as good as what you can give, and when that’s interrupted they become upset or irrational

No trust

Trust failures are another subtle sign you might be living in an off-balance relationship. If you partner fails to remain faithful (while still expecting you to operate as normal) it means they don’t respect you or your feelings. Likewise, while they might not openly cheat, they might also do nothing to demonstrate that they are someone you should (and can) trust in all good faith.

How to stop letting your partner take advantage of you.

We can only control our behavior and our reactions, therefore it is impossible to change our partners or the behaviors they exhibit. While you can certainly express your desire for your partner to stop taking advantage of you, you cannot change them and — odds are — they aren’t going to change themselves. For this reason, it’s critical that we learn to focus on our own boundaries and controlling those aspects of self and our environment that are within our power.

1. Establish your expectations

Before you start hammering down boundaries that you hurl at your partner, it’s important to get familiar with your expectations in general. Expectations aren’t just what we need to feel fulfilled, these things also include the things we want from our relationships in general. Only when we get up-close-and-personal with what we truly want out of our relationships can we start to build the boundaries that help us get those things.

Journalling is great way to safely explore what you truly want from a relationship, without fear of judgement or over-reaction. Take few minutes each day to quiet close your eyes and clear your mind. Imagine your perfect relationship and partner, then compare it against your current situation. What are you missing? What things could add up to big improvements? Write down what you want and don’t shy away from details.

By bravely confronting our expectations, we can get real about both what we want and what we need from a good, solid relationships. Our partnerships should add to the quality of our lives, and help us to find the deeper and better parts of ourselves. When we fail to establish equal and loving partnerships, it can end up detracting from our journey and the ultimate happiness we’re attempting to achieve. Spend time getting to know what you expect from your partnership, and why. Then you’ll be able to start setting the boundary lines that keep you secure and happy.

2. Find out what you’re willing to tolerate

Outside of our expectations, we have to get real about what we are and aren’t willing to tolerate in our relationships. Everyone has deal breakers, and everyone has things that they are and are not willing to accept. Once you know what you expect from your relationship and your partner, you have to figure out what you’re willing to tolerate and where you’re going to draw the line.

Extend your mindful journaling practices to include regular times of personal familiarity, in which you dig deeper into your emotional pain thresholds and relationship limits. Consider past relationships, and how they’ve made you feel. What needs improved on in your current relationship? Does it make you feel angry or sad? Is you partner there for you or never around?

Dig into the meat of what you really want from your relationships. Get familiar with your attachment styles and love languages, and use these things to figure out where your initial boundary lines might lie. Whether these include things like lying, manipulation or just being plain-old ugly, be honest with yourself and be honest about what you want from your partner. Commit to those lines and accept that anything that goes beyond them is not allowed in your gravity. Period.

3. Acknowledge your own emotions

Emotions are important, but they can also be uncomfortable or unfamiliar too. Our emotions are a core piece of our relationships, and our personal emotional equilibrium is a critical part of retaining emotional balance in our partnerships. When we bury our emotions, or fail to address them appropriately, it can lead to shutting down or pulling away — creating room for another person to come in and trample all over our needs and emotions.

Start acknowledging your emotions (the good and the bad) and start embracing them for what they are and the value they add to your life. When we’re angry, we get angry for a reason. When we’re sad — there’s always a reason why. Accept your emotions and start facing up to them so you can get real about how your partner is making you feel.

The more you come to embrace your emotions, the more insight you’ll gain not only on what you want, but who you are. Our emotions are powerful, and when we learn how to listen to them (without letting them take the helm) they can guide us to incredible places and the future that we truly want. That takes listening to them, however, and that takes facing up to how we’re feeling in both the moment and the overall of our relationships. It’s getting real on the truest of levels, and that takes an incredible amount of courage and awareness.

4. Ground yourself

Grounding occurs when we center ourselves and get present in both our minds and our bodies. When we’re grounded, we’re secure in who we are, and we’re secure in conflict. We know what we want, and we know how to communicate it. Being grounded means being balanced, stable and prepared to express the hard things that need to be expressed. It’s an invaluable skill to cultivate and one that inspires incredible strength in our personal lives.

Breath work, meditation and journalling are great ways to ground ourselves and get centered and present. If meditation is useful for you, clear your mind and imagine a chord running right down into your spine and into the earth. Feel it run through your body, and feel its rhythm falling in-sync with your breathing.

Little-by-little, you’ll find power in the presence and the strength in knowing and appreciating your physical body. Grounding helps us navigate conflict and confrontation, and helps us to center ourselves around respect. If you’re navigating a relationship that feels as though it’s out-of-control or completely off balance, then grounding ourselves can often help open the door to both clarity and communication.

5. Get vocal about your needs

Once you know who you are and you know what you want, it’s time to open up to your partner and get frank with them about where your boundary lines lie. As with any conversation, this is one that’s best-approached honestly and best-approached with considerations made for both parties involved. Even if your confronting someone who is taking advantage of you, do it somewhere quiet and do it somewhere where you can both express yourself safely.

After choosing the best time and place, be candid with your partner and let them know how you’re feeling. Avoid blaming language, but be honest about how their behavior is making you feel. Express what you need from a relationship in order to be fulfilled, and express to the types of behaviors you’re no longer going to tolerate.

Don’t try to make it about their “fault” in the matter, and avoid the temptation to make them feel guilty or wrong for their past behaviors. Instead, focus on what you know best — yourself, and make it clear that you’re doing to do what it takes to make sure you feel appreciated, equal and supported in your relationship. Once you’ve had a chance to express yourself, give them the same, and give them an opportunity to change the behavior on their own (or else make it clear that you’ll find the partner who does.) Remember, though: chances aren’t endless.

6. Make yourself a priority

We have to make ourselves a priority…especially if we’re struggling with being taken advantage of in our relationships. When we put ourselves first, we come to love and appreciate ourselves in new ways. Putting our needs first moves us to realize how powerful and worthy we are, and it also helps to affirm the boundaries that help us achieve the ideal lifestyle to thrive.

The more you make yourself a priority, the more you’ll fall in love with yourself and be willing to stick up for your own needs. Think about the person you love most in this world. Now think about how you would react if someone attempted to take advantage of them and treat them poorly. What would you say? What would you do?

Only when we love ourselves as much as we are willing to love others can we find the strength to stick up for our boundary lines. There is real power in grounding yourself and finding your presence, but there is true transformation and growth in learning how to love yourself as much as anyone else in the universe. When we love ourselves, we make room in our lives for authenticity and for healing. When we’re healed — there’s no room for abusers, manipulators, or those who don’t treat us with the affection and respect we deserve.

Putting it all together…

Relationships are tricky, but they become even more complex when there’s a shift in power and we find ourselves being taken advantage of. Low self-esteem, feelings of guilt and even a desperate need to please others all contrinute to the likeliness that we will allow our partners to walk all over us. We can overcome this tendency, however, when we learn how to love ourselves and we learn to get real about how we’re feeling and what we want.

Sit down with yourself and get real about what you expect out of a partner and your realtionship. Expel any skewed or self-defeating abstracts that lead to imbalances of power or denial of self. Acknowledge your emotions and dig into the meat of what you absolutely will not tolerate and what you will. We all have deal-breakers, and we have a right to express ourselves safely and comfortably within a relationship too. Get grounded and use the power of presence to get vocal about what you want and why. You owe it to your partner to be both candid and transparent when it comes to your relationship and where your true mind lies. Tell them how you feel, but avoid blaming language. Give them space to express themselves. While they may fix the behavior, they might choose not to as well. That’s okay. Make yourself a priority and fall in love with you. Once you realize that you alone are your own best friend — the world will open the rest of its doors to you.