Stop Generalizing to Give The Best Relationship Advice

Here’s what you can say instead

I don’t like to give advice. I like to give people information because everyone’s life is different, and everyone’s journey is different.~Dolly Parton

Intimate relationships are emotionally complex. Although we often share common beliefs, we have individual approaches to these special bonds. We’re unique individuals. That's why advice comes in several flavors. We can’t expect to pin down one answer to the myriad questions humans ask.

However, it’s time to expand your scope even further. It’s natural to let your point of view influence your writing. But you also need to consider what your audience wants to know. An advice article leads me as a reader to believe it could be helpful for me. I want to know how I can improve my love life. It’s great if I resonate with your story. But be wary of generalizing too much.

Every time I read an article with relationship advice, I feel a mixture of curiosity and hopeful anticipation it’ll apply to me. I’m inevitably disappointed. I’ve either heard it before or don’t agree with it.

I occasionally find something to relate to my life. Sometimes I’m inspired. Jessica Wildfire has a plethora of fantastic pieces on relationships.

But most authors give advice from the standpoint of stereotypical heterosexual pairings that start in a particular fashion. They assume gender is binary and illustrate subsequent predictable roles in the mating dance. These articles rarely address the many nuances of what a relationship looks like to the rest of us.

Here’s what I hear most often:

“Let him come to you. If you have to try too hard to get his attention, he’s not into you.” ~various random authors of relationship advice articles

Assumptions run rampant with this one. First, they’re focusing on a cishet female reader. Then they suggest I manipulate my potential mate by waiting for him to pursue me. If I were to pick a number one pet peeve, this would be it. If I like someone, I won’t hide how I feel. It’s disingenuous to pretend I don’t care. If a guy feels the need to be in charge of pursuing me, he’s not the guy for me.

Gender has nothing to do with our courtship dance. Sure, social influences exist. But I prefer to leave gender roles out of the equation. Gender is a social construct, which essentially means our society made it up. My gender role doesn’t get to dictate how I express my affection for someone.

I’ve often been the pursuer. It made no difference to any of my potential partners of any gender. I’ve been with cishet men and womxn. None of them cared if I let them chase me.

Now here’s the thing about relying on another human to give you attention. You’re going to be disappointed at least once. Beginning a relationship based on them fulfilling your needs won’t keep it alive and thriving. On the outset, it may look like I want attention. But what I truly crave is companionship and connection. Attention is fleeting and based on lack.

Trying too hard to get attention isn’t a healthy start, I agree. But it does make sense to pay attention when you’re interested in each other. And what if they don’t return your attention? Maybe they’re busy or worried about something. They could be struggling with a mental illness or some other health challenge. Maybe they’re unsure of their feelings for you. Or they could be intimidated by your gestures because of past conditioning. None of this is about you. It isn’t personal.

And true, they might not be into you. What good news for you to be aware of. Your energies don’t match up, but someone else does match you. It’s all good.

I’ve mentioned my long-distance friend in a lot of my other stories.

He currently lives six states away. We haven’t seen each other in three decades. Although we’re getting reacquainted by phone, we’re still exploring each other. When we finally see each other again, it’ll be the first time we’ve touched since 1989.

I made the mistake of approaching our relationship like I would any other in-person courtship. We both got excited about each other. Then he backed off. I assumed he was longer interested. I took it personally when he was slow to respond. I was eventually honest about my feelings. We re-evaluated our course and decided to go with the flow.

It doesn’t mean he’s not “into” me. I didn’t push him away. We’re adults who can have an honest conversation. And we figured it out. He suggested we write letters to each other. After the conversation, I wrote him a long adoring letter. Now I feel freer to express my love. He didn’t ignore me. He’s not put off by it. He plans to send me a homemade gift one day soon.

It’s also possible he’s seeing someone else right now and hasn’t told me yet. I’m poly-curious, which means I’m ok with an open relationship. It wouldn’t upset me if he’s dating. We live 1,400 miles away, anyway. How could I expect him to wait around for me?

I’ve learned a lot about myself during the time I’ve built dreams of us together in my mind. I’ve learned how to be honest and transparent. I’ve embraced the part of me wanting to spread my love everywhere without trying to place a limit on it.

What if we shifted the our perspective and gave advice like this instead:

Embrace the mating dance. Follow your intuition. Be honest. Take care of yourself.

The courtship dance is exhilarating. Sometimes you move forward, then apart. Then maybe you stay in one place. You know when to create space between you. Your movements are in synch. We don’t have to think much. Our intuition leads us wherever we’re going next.

What if we always looked at relationships through an intuitive lens?

Following intuition eliminates stress, doubt, and judgment. We avoid misunderstandings and open ourselves up to a love that feels right. Let’s find the space where two (or more) people can find each other without feeling the need to play ridiculous games.

Try going with the flow for a change. You don’t have to conduct a complex, elaborate scheme to get attention. Watch how you attract people when you’re authentic. Go out into the world and be your awesome self. When you meet someone, continue being you.

Love yourself the way you want them to treat you. Only good things can come from this attitude. When you pour love into your cup, it overflows into everything you do. Your love flows into everyone you meet.

Your primary relationship is with you

I’ve heard it before, but it bears repeating. The relationship you have with yourself is the most vital of all. When you nurture aspects of yourself that need healing, you open up your heart to others.

When you focus on meeting your needs, you’re free to offer yourself to another. Don’t rely on others to meet all of your needs, or you’ll feel lost without them. Bring yourself into balance, and you’ll bring balance to your relationships with others.

Final thoughts

Relationship advice doesn’t have to be obtuse. Let’s open up wide to the infinite possibilities of what it feels like for any of us to be in an intimate relationship.

I’m a pansexual, cishet female, single parent. I have exes who are gay cisgender womxn and cishet men. My kids’ dad is an introvert and didn’t mind me finding him. The ex before him is an extrovert and pursued me. I’m attracted to a pansexual man. Being poly-curious adds some more diverse opinions to the mix. I’m one person, and I could give extensive relationship advice to several groups.

Let’s expand our views beyond the stereotypical “he’s just not into you” trope. Broad generalizations stunt our personal growth. They don’t lead to sound advice for others, either.

I’m fortunate to be mature and confident enough to take what I want and leave the rest. I don’t follow what everyone tells me.

But there are vulnerable people looking for a love connection. They don’t think they know how to find it. Don’t fill them with useless pointers on playing the game right. Remind them to listen to their heart. Tell them everything’s working out. Then say it’s ok to throw our advice out the window. They know what to do. And so do you.

There is no one more powerful than the one who trusts their own heart.~Mimi Novic

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