Stop Being So Nice To Abusive People

Instead, be nice to those who will not take advantage of your kindness

I still haven't written the boundaries article that has been on my mind for a long time.

It is probably the most important thing for anyone who is recovering from abusive relationships, trauma, or co-dependency.

The reason I haven’t written that article yet is that I need to be ready as it’s so close to my own healing journey. I need the right time and space for it.

With some people, no matter how often you set boundaries, they still act the same.

These are the narcissistic type, who feel entitled to our time, energy, love, and devotion without doing anything to earn it.

As they don’t have boundaries, they cannot understand why we do.

They have no awareness of how their toxic behavior affects others. They are crazymakers, causing mayhem wherever they go.

So boundaries are essential if you have people like this in your life.

Stop being so nice to abusive people

When I say stop being so nice to abusive people, that does not mean I think you should mistreat them.

If you did, then you would be just like them, and that’s not the point. Your goal is to rise above the abusers and keep your integrity.

You know how it is with abusive people. They have nothing to lose. Being good means nothing to them.

The only thing that’s important to them is power. They must win and be on top no matter what.

If you try to take them on you will lose, because you will be lowering yourself to their level.

Don’t fight with abusive people because they like it. As George Bernard Shaw said..

“I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.”

— George Bernard Shaw

So, what should you do instead?

When I say, don’t be so nice to them, I mean do not pander to their every need, do not chase after them or try to please them so everything will feel nice for you.

Usually, people with low self-esteem find any form of conflict difficult, so they do everything to keep the peace.

When you do this, the abusive person is absolutely delighted, as you have handed your power over to them again. They love this.

You can be nice by not retaliating, being polite, and not returning insult for insult. This way, you will remain calm and composed.

Stop being so nice, instead — be assertive.

Being nice to an abusive person keeps “the so-called peace” because you give in and they win.

When you are assertive and say no politely and firmly, you might rock the boat and make them angry.

Let them get angry.

Learn to get more comfortable with people getting angry because of you.

You are simply existing, and they don’t like that. That’s not your problem. You have a right to exist just as much as they do.

The only concern I might have is if you are dealing with an aggressive, violent, or intoxicated person.

It would not be wise to stand up to them if you are in danger of getting hurt.

Be sensible. In cases of violence, you need to remove yourself from that situation.

Report it to the police if necessary or tell a friend or family member.

Many abusive people may not be violent but they will get angry if you say no to them, so that's why I say, be polite.

Say it in a very matter-of-fact way. For example,

I’m sorry, but I can’t go out with you tonight as I’m working on my assignment. I need to get it finished as it’s important to me.

I have seen many people, especially women, who would go out with the person even though they would much rather finish their assignment.

Putting your needs last is a common trait for the co-dependent person or a person with low self-worth.

Be nice to those who will not take advantage of your kindness

These people are called safe people. You must have safe people in your life and if you don’t, then it may be time to find some.

Safe people are people who allow you to be yourself. They listen to you, care about your needs, and are truly interested in you.

They like you for who you are and they can accept a no from you easily. In other words, they respect your boundaries.

Be nice to these people. Give from your heart and learn to enjoy the gift of mutually giving and receiving.

In abusive relationships, you are doing most of the giving, so there's no joy in that. It's no fun giving all the time.

I don’t know where you are on your healing journey or what sort of relationships you are in, but if you read this far, then maybe your relationships have not been healthy and you may even suffer right now.

Don’t worry, you are not alone. Awareness is the first step to recovery. There is so much help available for you once you realize you are a precious person who deserves to be happy and fulfilled in this lifetime.

We all suffer, but some suffering can be prevented if we will take the steps needed to heal our wounds.

© Orla K.

Disclaimer

The advice given here is not to be taken in place of medical advice. It is based on my own healing journey and research.

I am a life coach with a background in nursing.

If you need immediate support, contact your local doctor or health clinic. They can refer you to the appropriate services.