Satire and Humor
Stop Being a Turkey App for MuddyUm Writers
Based on the Cold Turkey Writer’s App, this app can help MuddyUm writers become more productive and make this a happier and more lucrative community for all.
The Stop Being a Turkey App for MuddyUm Writers is based on the Cold Turkey Writer’s App which blocks you from being able to use anything else on your computer for a certain amount of time or until you’ve typed a certain number of words. While initially intended as a voluntary optional download for MuddyUm members, it was found that the members who most needed it were the ones least likely to download and use it. Because of this, the main Stop Being a Turkey App features have now become a mandatory part of joining the MuddyUm Partners Program.
Stop Being A Turkey App for MuddyUm Writers Main Features
The Stop Being a Turkey for MuddyUm Writers app has several useful functions that can make MuddyUm a happier place for all writers.
The Keep On Reading Function (KOR)
This function ensures that MPP members read each story for the amount of time that was calculated as the expected read time. This is accomplished by the app blocking out the text and engaging in “forced scrolling” which makes the story scroll at a certain pace (users can set a slower scroll time if they choose or they can stop auto scrolling so they can focus on a specific part of the story or poem.)
The KOR function also makes sure that each MPP member reads at least three stories or reads for one hour total time for each locked story they post. Writers can “bank” up to two stories or half an hour extra reading time per day to use when they otherwise might not have time to read but want to post a story. They are required to make at least one “substantial” comment on a story each day. (Readers can also bank one extra comment a day on an extra story they read).
The KOR function provides positive reinforcement based on reader preference. Current options include applauding babies, puppies doing funny tricks, or kittens jumping around together playfully. These are accompanied by the sound of clapping and a burst of upbeat music which the user can also set.
At the end of the week, any extra activity in the form of reading and engagement is totaled and extra credit points are awarded. Points can be used to purchase a number of bonus prizes such as MuddyUm merch including spinners, tea towels, and mugs with the MuddyUm logo, specialized merch with the name and logo of a writer owned publication, and downloads such as fun and unusual word counters and music lists for productivity specially created for MuddyUm.
The Don’t Even Think About Not Paying Function (DETANP)
While MuddyUm is still not ready to make it mandatory for every member of MPP to purchase a paid subscription in order to be able to earn on the platform, this function makes it unlikely anyone will fail to do so. It is based on the most cutting edge techniques of negative reinforcement, punishment and psychological torture created for use at Gitmo.
The function will allow non-paying members one month leeway or until they make $5 in a single month from the MPP program, whichever is longer, before it becomes active. Once active, the DETANP function will begin to slowly torment the writer.
At the beginning, the torture will be more like promps. For example, the writer’s screen will suddenly go black, followed by the message, “Have you gotten your paid membership yet?” This will appear and flash five times before whatever the person was working on reappears. This might be accompanied by a loud buzzer or alarm.
If the writer still doesn’t purchase a subscription after this round, distracting affects will begin to occur on their computer. These might include whatever is on the screen slowly fading until it can no longer be read, confetti which blankets the screen and obscures whatever the writer was looking at, or a strobe effect (those with epilepsy can set the app so this option doesn’t occur).
A variety of messages might be displayed such as, “Your computer has experienced a fatal error and it is sending all of your personal financial, medical and other private information to every person in the country,” “Your [husband,wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, boss and/or mother has just been sent photos of you in compromising situation with Donald Trump,” “A meteor has just been spotted speeding toward the earth and is expected to strike [writer’s location] within the next five minutes,” or “Russia has just launched nuclear missiles which will strike [writer’s location] in 3 minutes.” (These last two will be followed by a full screen countdown clock which can’t be turned off until it gets to zero when there will be the deafening sound of an enormous crash or explosion.)
The DETANP will also cause other loud obnoxious noises to sound randomly such as gunfire, explosions, car alarms, fingernails being scraped down a chalkboard, cats fighting, head banger music, an announcer yelling, “Why haven’t you bought your membership yet, you cheapskate?” a pack of wildly barking dogs,” or a drill sergeant screaming, “What’s wrong with you, maggot? Buy the damn membership already!” These sounds might begin anywhere, whether you are at home or in public, or at any time including the middle of the night, scaring you awake along with those you live with and all your neighbors within a three block radius.
Note: These are just examples. The real strategies are kept secret for maximum effect.
The Stop Whining and Grow Up Function (SWAGU)
The SWAGU function is aimed at increasing the positive atmosphere here at MuddyUm by decreasing the amount of useless whining. It is also intended to increase a members amount of writing time by freeing up precious hours that would have been taken up with whining or excessive complaining.
The first time a member engages in this behavior, their profile will be made inaccessible for two hours. Each subsequent offense will double the amount of time the members profile will be taken down. Whining or complaining about this function will result in an automatic doubling of the penalty.
The Stop Bragging About Your Earnings Function (SBAYE)
The SBAYE is used to penalize those members who seem intent on excitedly reporting every month how much money they earned and how well they are doing under whatever system is in place. There will be one instance allowed after which the offending member will be charged twice as much as whatever amount they bragged about earning. Each subsequent offence will cause the penalty to go up in multiples of the bragged about amount, such that the second offense will result in the member being penalized three times the amount they reported etc.
Stop Being A Turkey App for MuddyUm Writers Optional Features
Members (paying members that is), have the opportunity to purchase additional options that are intended to make them more productive.
The Meet Your Daily Goal Function (MYDG)
This patented technology keeps all the doors, windows and other possible exits from your home tightly shut and locked until you reach your goal each day. Goals can be individualized to reflect word count, time spent writing, number of completed stories or a combination of these.
The MYDG function provides added incentive to meet your goal by not only making it impossible for you to leave home, but also by ensuring no one else can enter. This means that unless you reach your goal for the day, you may be forced to confront an angry spouse stuck outside the house or make special arrangements for your children to stay with friends or relatives.
The Writing Parent’s Perfect Babysitter and Husband Minder — Only Available Through MuddyUm!
For just a bit more you can get The Writing Parent’s Perfect Babysitter or The Husband Minder! Or receive a discount when purchasing both! These special upgrades are the perfect gift for your writer friends for the holidays. Or give yourself a gift that will keep on giving throughout the year.
The Perfect Babysitter is an AI Robot created by Roomba, designed to ensure the safety and happiness of your child. It quickly learns your child’s likes and dislikes and can be programmed to sing your child’s favorite songs, play the games that they love, make them lunch or put them down for a nap. The MuddyUm Babysitter can even teach your child basic reading and writing skills and how to add, subtract, multiply and divide.
The Babysitter comes with a sound cloaking device which allows your child to laugh and scream at the top of their lungs without anyone outside a three foot radius being able to hear them. This provides uninterrupted writing time for parents whose children are not yet in school or during the hours outside of school and on weekends.
The Perfect Babysitter can be customized for the child’s age, gender, the number of children in the home, and preferred parenting style (moderately lenient, moderately strict, very strict). There are over 70 male, female, and gender neutral voices to choose from which include options from almost every country in the world. Or record yourself reading a short passage which will then be used to create a version of your own voice that is virtually indistinguishable from the real thing!
The Husband Minder is a must have for anyone whose husband spends a significant amount of time in the home. This handy AI robot will find your husbands socks, pick their clothes up off the floor, microwave their meals, make appointments for them with the doctor, dentist and others, remind them of their schedule, keep track of the remote so they can provide it whenever asked, and bring them beer and snacks when they are watching sports.
As an added bonus, the Husband Minder will also put down the toilet seat whenever it is up and mop up the water in the bathroom after he takes a shower and again forgets to put the liner inside the tub. And it will never ask your husband to talk about his feelings or to talk about anything at all for that matter!
When fully charged the Writing Parent’s Perfect Babysitter and the Husband Minder can run continuously for 36–48 hours depending on how much they are required to do. And they recharge in just 15 minutes! These practical AI robots are ideal companions for your child and husband. They are absolute miracles for the writer who has never had an uninterrupted hour of writing time before. Order now and have either or both to help free up some writing time even over a busy Thanksgiving weekend!
Thanks to Melanie Rockett for the inspiration for this story.
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